Tuesday, December 31, 2013

14 Goals for 2014

  1. Get clearer skin. Because of stress, and possibly an allergy yet to be known, pimples recently flared up. As in I hate looking at the mirror lately because I get depressed. I have consulted my dermatologist and was given the medication I need to achieve the skin I want. I hope this 2014, I will be blessed with clear skin so I can get the confidence I need to socialize.
  2. Set a regular reading period each day or week. I have to keep up with my reading. I love reading, don't get me wrong, but due to my schedule, I've been behind my reading. Some of the books I have bought were left untouched for a long period of time. I hope I can get at least an hour of reading per day. I miss reading.
  3. To be blessed more so that I can bless more. One of the things I have learned from my mom is to always bless or share whenever I can. I have made it a habit to at least buy a little bit more of bread so that I could share some to street cleaner during the mornings. My mom, on the other hand, gives out a bit of food to the two street children asking for some recyclables every weekend. This 2014, I hope I will be blessed more financially as I have some target people I want to bless as well. I want to be able to financially help my relative who has done so much for me. I
  4. Prepare for master school. I love learning. One can learn from experience and one can also learn from formal teaching. I have decided long before that I'll study masters (a different field; possibly socio, pysch, or political) but this 2013, I never had the courage to make the first move. I never had the courage to submit the requirements because I feared I might not be able to pass the qualifications set by the universities I have in mind. This coming 2014, I hope I'll be brave enough to enter. I may not qualify but at least I have battled. I also hope that I'll get the moral support of my family as they seem to disapprove this idea.
  5. Visit a lot of places in the Philippines. Partner has inspired me to travel and with the help of Kulapitot's blog I am motivated to visit more destinations inside the Philippines. Philippines has a lot to offer and I don't want to miss any of it.
  6. Travel overseas. I have always dreamed of visiting countries outside the Philippines. I pray that God will give me the opportunity and provision to be able to do so.
  7. Enter a literary competition. Partner entered Palanca last 2013. He urged me to enter as well and I considered and entertained the thought. I was supposed to enter the poetry category and I had this awesome idea I had in mind I never had the time to finish the piece. I hope I will be able to submit a piece as I want to be recognized in the field of literature. I may not be that great of a writer yet, but in time and with practice, I will be.
  8. Join a club. I miss being a part of an organization. This 2013, I looked for organizations I can enter based on interests. One of them was LoveYourself, but I haven't received a confirmation about the application I've sent through their site. As for PinoyBloggersOutreach, I was about to donate the collection of children's books I have at home but for some reasons I cannot remember, I failed to do so. In the end, I still haven't entered any clubs or organizations. I hope 2014 will be different.
  9. Get bigger. Yes, I want to get bigger. I want to have bigger muscles. Hehehe. I believe I'm a hard gainer but that will not stop me from achieving the body I want. 
  10. Be healthy. Getting bigger is different from being healthy. I fell sick a few times over 2013. I'm not the sickly type of guy so that took me by surprise. This 2014, I vow to eat healthier foods and take multivitamins to keep me strong, growing, and glowing.
  11. A more blooming relationship with partner. 2013 is the year I entered a relationship officially. It's my first homosexual relationship so I still had to learn some of the ropes. I believe I have lacked in the few areas in my relationship and I will work on filling that void this coming 2014. Good thing partner is understanding. I'll do my best to make partner feel more loved and to be more deserving of the love he gives.
  12. Mend my broken relationship with my father. It's been ten years since we've talked. It's time we set aside our differences, forget the shadows of the past, and focus on the present.
  13. Learn a musical instrument. I am tone deaf. I believe learning a musical instrument might fix that. 
  14. To establish a more meaningful and faithful relationship with the heavenly Father. You all know how lost I am in the area of faith. I have always relied on my understanding, on scientific explanations, and of logical reasoning but I have realized that there are so many things incomprehensible and the only explanation behind it is the existence of a God so unfathomable. This 2014, I pray that my relationship with the Heavenly Father will be more established and that I will not struggle away from his arms once again. 



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*****

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DEAR READERS! HAVE A FRUITFUL NEW YEAR AND GOD BLESS US ALL. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

Relationship setups pt. 1

There are two types of relationships (practiced by some homosexuals) I cannot comprehend. 

1.     Rich Dad, Poor Kid - This type is the relationship in which money is largely involved. There's this older gay guy (most likely not visually appealing but not always) who will offer this poor / middle-class younger kid (most likely attractive but not always) money in exchange of agreeing in entering a relationship with him. It may not be a blatant offer and the offer may take form as a courtship. The poor kid may accept willingly or unwillingly the offer, enter into the relationship, and get the monetary benefits he was promised of. 

I usually see this kind of relationship at malls and exclusive restaurants where this older guy wears a lot of flashy items, shows off a latest gadget or two, and has a beefy wallet loaded with cash. His companion, usually a good looking guy, sits quietly eating. They talk rarely, neither one smiles, and both may be busy fiddling with their phone. Recently, I saw one while eating dinner with partner and gestured partner towards the couple.

"Alam na," he said smiling.

"Alam na alin?"

"Na may pera."

"Bakit? Eto naman, napaka-negative. Baka naman mahal lang talaga."

Partner laughed. He may have laughed at my usual naivety at things.

"Sa tingin mo ba love yung nakikita mo?" 

I looked at the couple. The older gay guy seemed busy trying to entertain himself with his high-end mobile phone while the younger kid ate in silence. After finishing their meal, the bill came and was given to the younger kid. The kid gestured the bill towards the oldie and the oldie took his fat wallet and left a thousand peso bill. They stood, still not a word spoken, and I got a good look at the older guy. Aesthetically speaking, one would wonder what the kid saw in the oldie.

Partner's question was left floating in the air.

"Kunwari mag-tito pero di naman magkamukha. Ang pinagtataka ko bakit kailangan pa nila i-display yan in public," partner said.

"Baka naman proud sila. Baka naman walang money involved."

Partner laughed again and I bit my tongue. Am I that naive? Why am I always assuming the best out of people?

Whether or not there is money involved between that particular couple, I cannot deny the fact that such relationship do exist. A relationship in which money plays a vital role that sustains the life of the relationship. Without its source, the relationship is doomed to fail.

Why do some gay guys buy the illusion of love? What do they get out of it? Love may be considered a drug, one so addictive and so destructive. One that can be brought. They'll get a few moments of blissful love, an illusion kept alive by monetary value. Once the value is lost, so is the illusion and the older gay guy will be usurped to a downward spiral towards loneliness and reality.

Why do some provide the love that nobody deserves? Are the shouts of his needs stronger than the whisper of his conscience? Love may be a form of entertainment, one fictionalized and staged. One that may not be played out very well. The older gay guy is the producer and the younger is the actor under contract. As long as the salary is provided, the actor plays the part he is asked to act out. If the salary is not present repeatedly, the actor may look for another producer and the endless spiral of acting resumes. He is forever devoid of reality unless an opportunity for another form of source of income presents itself.

The only answer I could think of can be derived from the field of economics: the concept of the marriage market model. In its premise, a partnership is established given that consumption and labor supply is finalized and reached. Since this concept is satisfied in this type of relationship, it can be said that a working partnership is formed. Who are we to judge? Who am I to ask? The setup is working for them and they don't deserve to be questioned or rudely stared at.

We walked around the mall and saw the couple once again. A distance can be seen between them.

Love can either be a need or a want therefore it may take a form of commodity and all of us should be willing to pay its price in one mean or another regardless of intentions.

*****


How about you? Have you been in this type or relationship or do you know someone who buys or provides the illusion of love? I'm looking forward to sharing your thoughts.

On a side note: I should learn how to write concisely. I may lose my audience halfway through reading the post.


Thursday, December 26, 2013

In this world that never stops talking

Disclaimer: Please read with an open mind. I don't mean anything in this post to be offensive and please bear in mind that this post is written with most innocent intentions.

*****

Earlier today, I went to SM to look for a Christmas gift for partner. It's better late than never as the saying goes. The mall was filled with people and the surrounding sounds created a cacophony still full of Christmas cheer. A salesman trying to sell a videoke product can be heard singing at the top of his lungs, the laughter from a group of high school students euphorically filled the air, and the crying of kids asking for their mommy and daddy the toys they want danced along the toy-filled stalls. The mall was filled of the holiday spirit and the jolly good ol' me was infected by it. I didn't feel alone as I swam through the sea of people looking for the perfect gift. I really had a hard time looking for one. Given that my partner's a lot older than me, earning better than me, I had no idea what to give him. I don't want something that's easily spotted in a mall so I settled for the least possible section he might pass through: bags. So, I bought him a bag perfectly fitted for his iPad as he usually carries it around by hand only.

Happy with my purchase, I went to the gift wrapping section to have my gift wrapped (so unromantic of me) and I decided to join in the noise. I called my partner to check up on him and happily chatted with him over the phone. I realized I was a bit loud but no one minded as everyone was busy themselves talking. After having my gift wrapped, I went to the jeepney terminal bound to city proper and happily seated. I took notice of the last three young people, possibly in early years of college, who got on the jeepney as the jeepney went its way.

Holidays entail traffic and the province is no exception. While stuck, two of the three people, one was sitting beside me while the other one was across her, started gesturing towards each other using their hands. Sign language. I watched and I stared at them. I know it was rude of me but I can't help myself so I stared at them. They were smiling and having fun and yet the jeepney was filled with silence. No one was talking. No one was laughing. But despite of it, two people were conversing to their heart's content. It was somehow peaceful knowing that words were not necessary for them to be able to express their deepest.

Sitting beside the person across me was a young effeminate gay guy and my attention shifted towards him as I watched him put on his lipstick. To my surprise, he joined in the conversation and started gesturing with his hands as well. The other two smiled genuinely, their eyes full of glee as they watched the hands of their friend. Silence still filled the air.

I didn't know what I felt but there was something with that gay guy that pulled of my heart's strings more. I realized that maybe because he must have gone through tough times. I, as an effeminate gay guy as well, had to endure what life throws at people like me and I can imagine what he has gone through. On top of that, he's mute. I know it may sound judging but let's face the brutal fact that life is more difficult for them. There's a few opportunities that I could only think of available to people like them and if gays had problems looking for a welcoming environment, what more for the mute gay guy?

"Bayad po," the silence broken by the girl who had her fare passed from the back of the jeep. The mute gay guy took the money and stretched his hand out. 

The jeepney driver was unaware of his hand so he said in garble as loudly as he could, "Ngayad ngaw po."

The other two gestured hands and I think one of them took notice of me watching. They laughed. The gay guy laughed as well. They reached their destination and the one nearer to the driver signaled that they needed to get off. 

The jeepney was still filled with silence, my consciousness, on the other hand, left the jeepney and went with the three young people. My heart was with them and I came to a realization that what I felt was not pity but rather admiration. Admiration because these three people braved the world full of prejudice and judgement and yet they still can laugh not only with their smiles but with their eyes as well. I admired them for being resilient, no matter what life threw at them, they were still able to lead happy lives. They had every reason to tell God, "Why me?" and yet they seem grateful for what they have.

I sat there in further silence, the noise that I left at the mall seemed so distant in time and in place. I further contemplated what I have witnessed and realized that they are the blessed ones. The mute and the deaf are blessed in a way. They may not be able to hear but their sense of touch has heightened. They can only hear silence which made their eyes more open. They had peace behind all the noise we make. They have more time to reflect genuinely. They may not be able to speak but in silence they can communicate. They may not be able to express themselves verbally but they express themselves through action. Through touch. They became more sensitive and more receptive, maybe even selfless, and it made me want to get off the jeep and look for the three young people who made a mark in my life this holiday season. I want to get to know them better. Especially that gay guy. Bless him. What does he feel being part of a minority of a minority?

I got off the jeep but try as I might, I have to accept the fact that I may not be able to find them. My feet dragged me towards home, to the comfort of my room, my own little world. A little bit of noise downstairs can be heard, partly because of my family, mostly from the television. I closed the doors and once again I was filled with silence.

Sometimes, words are overrated and silence is under appreciated
.
.
.



in this world that never stops talking.


*****


Credits to Susan Cain and her book title, The Power of Introverts in World that Can't Stop Talking (2013), for giving me the idea to perfectly end this blog post .

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

A quick greeting

A quick greeting to the readers of this blog as well to those I follow. May God bless us all and let us remember how He came to be in this world.



Friday, December 20, 2013

All I Want For Christmas 2013

Even though I'm not sure if I actually have a sexlife (PLEASE, GIVE ME! I DON'T THINK I HAVE!) and I don't believe in curses, I opted to entertain this chain post(?) circulating around the blog-o-sphere. The post is mainly about what you want for Christmas this year and if not posted when tagged, your sexlife will be cursed for 7 years. Scary right? Anyway, I'm tagged by Sepsep so I guess I have to share with you the 6 things I would like to have this holiday. Before that, let me lay down the rules for this chain post.

  1. Make a post entitled, "All I Want For Christmas 2013," and please use the photo above.
  2. List 6 things that you want to receive as a gift.
  3. Tag 3 friends who will make the same post (no tag backs).
  4. Send me the link so I could check it too (optional).
So, now that the rules have been laid, let the games begin. 

6. Jeans


06wadler-booming-jeans-superJumbo


I always tell myself every payday that I'm going to buy myself a good pair of jeans or shorts since I only have two good pair of jeans and two shorts left but I always forget to set aside money for it. I also hate shopping for jeans so getting this as a gift would save me the hassle of looking for one.



5. Bed




I need a new bed for the apartment I live in Manila and this is the particular design I like the most. It's space saving and it has a bed-side table attached to it. I like the idea that I can stash away my books somewhere nearby my bed so that my books won't litter that much in my room. 


4. Bag


All of my bags are body bags and my small backpack recently passed away. :(


3. Shelves


cardboard-furniture_XwEEm_1822

Shelves for my growing collection of books. Please. I mean, how could I continue buying books if I don't have a good shelf to place those in? Unfortunately, in my room, most of my cabinets and shelves are attached to the ceiling or wall so I have no idea how to place additional shelves. Nonetheless, I need it so a workaround must be thought of.


Lots and lots of it. I'm planning to give away some of the books I have to the local library, most children books I don't read, since 10-yr,old sister is not fond of reading. Giving away these books will free some space for new ones and I'm pretty much welcoming of books needing a new home. I'm recently interested in the fields of psychology, genetics sociology, and economics and the fiction novels I would like to read are from David Levithan, John Green and other science fiction and thriller mystery.


1. Ability to waterbend



Well, waterbending is AWESOME right? For those who are not familiar of Avatar: The Legend of Aang and Avatar: The Legend of Korra, you better watch it! The fight scenes are AWESOME and INCREDIBLE! Ugh. I'm really a nerd when it comes to the avatar universe. Anyway, just to give you an idea, waterbending is the ability to bend or move water using different stances using your hands and feet though this art is more focused on your hands. I've looked for a video with the other bending arts so that you could see the other arts as well.


So, there you have it, my wishlist for 2013. In case anyone plans to make at least one item come true, you can reach me at my e-mail hahahah! I'm looking forward to reading yours by the way:






c-e-i-b-o-h of -whispers-


* * * * *

While looking for books, partner and I discussed what we wanted for Christmas.

"Kahit anong libro sakin pero ok na itong Will Grayson, Will Grayson," I said while flickering my eyes. "Ako na magbayad nyang book na bibilhin mo. Advance Christmas gift ko na sayo." 

"Aba, hindi. Ako na magbabayad nito. Mahirap nga pala ako i-please sa regalo kaya galingan mo," he said.

"Alam ko na ireregalo ko sayo," I said smiling widely.

"Ano?" he asked.

I whispered into his ears seductively, "Ang virginity ko."

He laughed so hard. "Ang gusto ko naman yung nahahawakan."

"Bakit nahahawakan naman yun ah?" I told him while grinning mischievously.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Physical preference

I recently realized that I find guys with eyeglasses most attractive physically. Whenever I walk to buy food and spot a guy with glasses passing by, my underwear drops as my privates are begging for, um, a playmate. Hahaha. I don't know why. If that guy's body is toned as well, um, let's just say it's a good thing I wear tight belts or else.

Anyway, is it normal to get attracted towards other guys despite being committed? I feel guilty but partner said its perfectly normal. Sometimes, I even point out the guys I'm sure he'll be attracted to when we're together.

"Siguro napatingin ka sa lalaking yun. Selos ako," I said playfully.

"Alin? Nasaan? Kanino?"

"Ah so hinanap mo pa? I hate you. Wala kang mani for a month," I replied teasingly.

"Ikaw nga dyan lagi nakakakita e. Kaw ha, mas mabilis pa mata mo para sa mga lalaking mattype-an ko."

I laughed. I can't help it. Maybe the reason I always see guys of his type quickly because I know for a fact that I'm not that physically attractive for him. He likes chinito petite guys but I'm moreno and taller than him. I tend to see guys of his type because I measure myself up to them. Comparison problems I guess that stemmed from how I was always compared from siblings and relatives.

How about you? Did you find yourself in a relationship with a guy you were not physically attracted to? Have you found yourself looking at other guys while on a date with your partner?


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Saturday, December 7, 2013

The most surprising lines I have ever heard so far

Okay, so earlier, I had a date with my sister to celebrate her birthday. We watched Frozen (let it go, let it go, the cold never bothered me lalalallaa, learned so much from this film) and ate at this restaurant I love to go. I invited partner to tag along during the dinner as we planned beforehand to visit elbi and watch the Christmas decors put up in UP. 

As we were waiting for the food to be served, I took out some oil blotting sheets and some powdered paper to freshen myself up. Partner's used to my routine but my sister despises it.

"Para kanino ka ba talaga nagpapaganda? Este nagpapapogi?" my sister asked annoyingly.

"E gusto ko lang fresh ako tingnan. Nagpapaganda este nagpapapogi agad?" I joked.

Partner, on the other hand, cracked a smile.

After the food has been served, partner prepared the condiments, mixing his soy sauce with calamansi and some pepper.

"Mahilig ka sa maanghang?" my sister asked.

"Oo naman. Mas masarap e," partner replied.

"Ah Sige nga kuya," sister turned to me. "Kung lalaki ka nga, lagyan mo nga ng sili sawsawan mo."

Partner almost died trying to hold back his laughter.

"Ugh, e bakit ba? E sa hindi ako mahilig sa maanghang e."


*****

After dinner, since my sister was not allowed to tag along with us in elbi, I had to get her home first before heading to elbi with partner. While walking, my sister ever inquisitive and suggestive, dropped the line that blown me away.

"Kuya, bakit di na lang mag-overnight satin si Kuya (referring to partner) para mas makapag-bonding pa kayo?"

I was taken aback. My heart dropped.

Does she have any idea? Partner and I were careful, weren't we? 

My 10-yr. old sister smiled as I walked along in silence.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Gym Quickie: Frustrating results

Ugh. It's getting frustrating. One year and I feel like results are not satisfying. Sorry. But it really gets to my nerves that I'm still far from my goal.

It's so frustrating that I'm a hardgainer. I'm eating tons and working out religiously but still the results are disappointing. Even the gym instructor said so. I'm planning to change my supplements hoping it will do the trick.


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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Seventh monthsary comedy blues

"Ako lang tao rito sa bahay. Alis sila mamaya. Heheheh" I texted him.

"Sige. Anong oras tayo kita?"

"Let's have lunch here, you want?"

"Can't. How about 2.30pm?"

"Okay. Can't wait. :)" I replied.

While waiting, I cleaned the whole house and made sure my room was spotless. I bathed, put on a bit of cologne, brushed and gargled with mouthwash. I put on skimpy shorts and a thin sando to make things a bit casual yet sexy.

"San ka na?" I texted him after waiting for more than an hour. Being habitually late is one of his nasty habits we need have discussed over and over.

"Lapit na."

Thirty minutes passed by still no signs of him. I found out he got lost on his way and was about to take another tricycle. I reiterated the directions just to be sure and read a book to let time pass by.

Finally, I heard a tricycle stopped in front of the house and there he was with the smile that never fails to make me melt.

Once inside, we talked for a bit and I made the first move. I kissed him and he kissed back passionately. I told him we should move in my room as someone might see us. The kiss went intense as we got ourselves in my room. His fingers playing with my nipples pinching hard. I kissed the nape of his neck while I took off my sando.

"Please, nibble my nipples," I begged.

He went down and devoured my chest nuts. I moaned in pleasure.

"You're really good in this," I complimented him.

My hands travelled down southwards and found the zipper that separated my hands from what I was looking for. I felt his rock hard dick and my mouth watered.

"Ui, ano ginagawa mo?" he asked.

"Ano pa nga ba?" I asked seductively. "Ilabas mo na. Hehehe. Nasan na ang rubber?"

"Ha? Wala kang sinabi bunso. Edi sana bumili ako," his hands suddenly stopped playing with my nipples.

"Huh? Ako pa. Kala ko naman gets mo na. Hmp."

He laughed and kissed my neck. I laughed back.

"So, mauuwi nanaman sa kilitian at tawanan eto?" I asked him with my face slightly pouting trying hard not to laugh further.

"E, ano pa nga ba?" He pinched my nipples and tickled me.

Uh, I was hoping for more. Next time, I should have rubber at home just in case.

I'll make a mental note of that.

Seven months and nothing has happened between us yet. I'm going to go crazy. Dinaig ko pa si Maria Clara.


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Saturday, November 30, 2013

Factory defect

Generally, in a manufacturing set-up, defects are discarded as they don't contribute to the value of its intended purpose. They don't function as designed because of certain reasons such as physical inability, aesthetic error, or they don't simply work at all. They are anomalies, the ones that stick out from the group. They are put away at the sidelines, can be recycled if possible, but are left nonetheless.

As humans, we are actually manufactured by the One and Great Designer of all things. In a sense, He has manufactured us, made us out of clay as the Bible, His word according to my beliefs, has stated. He used genetics, the code of our physical make-up, and used social structures and settings to program how we think and act. How we turn out to be is all according to His plan, for whatever reason, for whatever outcome, the final result is according to how He will play us out in this big game called life. A big game in which we're not even sure who His opponent is. 

I am a creation of God.

But am I a defect? As a homosexual, being sexually incapable of procreation, am I considered a defect?

No offense to readers, but please do understand that I may be out and open about my sexuality but I'm still having a hard time accepting how I turned out to be. Funny and ironic because some people might say, "Hey, you're already 21-yrs old. You're not a late bloomer so you should get over it." But sorry, I really still am confused on how to accept this part of me with people telling me, "You're a child of the devil." so kindly have some patience to stomach my own point of view of my personal issue.

I've been thinking this for quite a while now, I, as a homosexual, can't procreate. I can't do what I'm designed for, to be able to consummate with another woman and create another human being to this world. I, as a homosexual, is incapable of one of the supposed designs for a man thus I can fall to the category of "defective".

Some people say, "I'm born this way," comparing themselves to eunuchs, those who are castrated in order to prevent themselves from spilling viable seeds for impregnation. 

Some people say, "I became this," referring to homosexuality as a result of social constructs.

Either way, Church views homosexuality as a sin. Abominable. 

And either way, either explanation, may it be because of whatever gay gene one may possess or whatever social constructs that resulted to it, I still can't accept the fact that I'm a homosexual and to my own eyes I'm a defect. As stated before, defects are discarded.

I'm a defect and as suicidal as this may sound, I should be discarded. People generally tells us homosexuals that we don't have a place in this world. What if they were right? 

Should I even be allowed to live?  

Or was it like before, what the blacks and the women have fought for? Equal rights? Blacks and women were considered lowly before and were not allowed to enjoy the rights they now have but because they fought for it, now they have it. Is it the same for us? Or different since surely they were born that way?

Will I have the answers? Will God provide the answers that I seek? They say that the Bible has the answers but with all these translations and interpretations its so hard to pick which to believe.

I am left without any answers.

And as usual, this post will be ended with, "I don't know." We don't have all the answers but that doesn't makes us stupid. In reverse, having all the answers doesn't make one intelligent but asking about what we know or not know makes us one. 

In time, answers will be given. May it be from the Bible, may it be from Him, or may it be from any source, answers, I believe, will be given. 

But as for now, I'm still in a journey towards self-acceptance. I mean come-on, how could I expect everyone else to accept the beauty of this creation if I can't even accept myself? I'm still in this journey but I'm definitely not in a hurry. In this journey of self-acceptance, I might make the wrong turn, take a detour, and even turn back, but the important thing is getting there. I might get broken, people will make me or break me, but I'll comfort myself with the fact that once I've accepted myself that's already one person who accepts me and that's what all matters, isn't it?

That's what matters to me. To accept myself and not feel guilty for being who I am. To be able to enjoy this world without guilt and only acceptance is what I've been looking forward to the most.

I wish this for myself and for all of you as well.


*****



  1. "Well... yeah. I mean, everyone here says I'm just a mistake and that I wasn't even supposed to exist. What do you expect?" - Vanellope, Wreck-it-Ralph (2012)


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Sunday, November 24, 2013

70 posts (including drafts) later

Out of boredom, I decided to backread my own blog and I didn't know I was in for a real throwback. Every story I've posted, every word, was like a rope enveloping my body and taking me to some not-so distant past and leaving me jaw dropped. Every post has its own tone. I actually noticed a change in each post, as if the blog has been written by different people, sharing same beliefs, differing little in tone, but a growth can be noticed. I honestly felt as if I'm reading someone else's blog.

A year ago, I was single. I was teary-eyed whenever I watched gay love stories, crawling over youtube posts for gay-related content, and reading books about homosexuality. I was never in the closet (a little bit when I'm with the family) but I never had the chance to bloom. As if this important area of my personality has been shunned. A year ago, I was bullied because of my sexual preference. This was not the first time but it pulled the last straw. It made me cry and it made me strong. I vented out my anger and despair in this blog and this blog witnessed the change brought by it.

A little less than a year ago, I met my partner and went on my first date. I never knew that someone like him would actually fall for a guy like me and looking back I'm blessed to have met him and fallen for him. A little less than a year ago, I was smitten by love. I tried to be the best that I can be for him but he showed me that I'm already enough. But still, that didn't stop me to improve. A little less than a year ago, I decided to take care of my health and started doing cardio and went to the gym to lift weights. I fell in love with lifting, I always look forward to it at the end of the day.

A few months after meeting partner, I learned he was about to be assigned to Bicol after accepting a job offer he can't refuse. I can never forget the morning after learning the news, I was doing my morning cardio and the music I was listening put the words my heart wanted to cry out. I cannot remember what song nor the lyrics but the emotions that ran through me were still vivid. The sinking feeling gave by the thought of not having partner at my side physically has left me exhausted and non-animated. Thoughts ran through my head but hearing my partner's voice over the phone has left me reassured of the love we share. That we will withstand the distance and our love will remain.

Seven months ago, I gave my partner my "yes". Under the night sky, inside a tent during our vacation in Anawangin, with strangers surrounding the tent, laughing to their hearts' content, you dropped the question I've been waiting for five months. You asked my hand and I gave my heart. I gave my trust and I gave my love. For the first time, I felt dependent on the existence of my partner, as if I wouldn't live without him by my side. A feeling I was afraid of as I was used to living on my own, independent, and knowing that I'm making myself vulnerable to him, with the walls I've built for years crumbled down because of his love, scared me. I learned to take risk because in love, risks are always involved. But as we got along the way, I learned and I felt that this dependency on partner is actually a feeling a of security. That everything will be all right as long as we have each other.

Six months ago, I got curious of the trappings of sex. Hahaha. Yes, I confessed my virginity, I still am (UGH!), and I went out looking for books and blogs about it. Six months ago, I became curious of the dynamics of sexuality and tried to explore its corners.

Five months ago, I cheated. I prefer to think of it as cheating against my will but still I can't change the fact that I cheated. I told my partner what happened. It was the first big fight we had. I don't even know if I should consider that a fight since he didn't get mad. Nonetheless, I still inflicted pain. That cry over the phone, after telling him what happened, will forever echo in my mind. I was forgiven by him, fortunately, and I'm grateful for it. Five months ago, my faith has been challenged and I appreciated all the comments readers gave to that post. Five months ago, I've secretly learned of the sexual preference of my younger brother, that we are playing on the same team. I decided that I have to open myself, little by little, to my brother so I could guide him in making the right decisions and not make the mistakes I've made myself.

Four months ago, my relationship with partner became long-distance officially.

Three months ago, I tried to tackle bullying in my blog. I've witnessed bullying in front of my eyes and I tried to look back at the time when I was bullied. I was inspired to stop bullying and I wanted to make a change in my own little way. Three months ago, I asked my partner why monthsaries don't seem to be special to him. I asked him why we were not celebrating monthsaries. I reminded myself to deal with the relationship one day at a time and months shouldn't be counted.

Two months ago, an earthquake has hit Cebu and I was left shaken. I got scared and I prayed that my relatives were okay. I realized that no matter how good a person can be God will always be in control. Two months ago, I introduced my partner to my sister, a step-up to the relationship as I saw it.

One month ago, I told readers about my fetish on bondage and I got mix reactions. One month ago, typhoon Yolanda struck and I got scared for it hit partner's workplace. I was helpless. I prayed as I received his text, "Nakakatakot na po rito, bunso." Yolanda stripped away lives and up until now, my prayers are with those who are affected. One month ago, I've hurt my friend and I'm still trying to save the friendship.

This year, I was single, I fell in love, I cheated, and we made up.

This year, I explored more about my sexuality. This year, I was and still am a virgin (anally hahahah).

This year I made friends. Readers became my friends as well.

This year was pretty eventful and thanks to this blog for being with me, recording important events of my life, acting as the repository of my thoughts, and being a friend to whom I confide to everything, Thanks to this blog I met my readers, awesome and interesting people I want to know deeper. I am forever grateful to this blog. I may not be sure how frequent I can update this blog nor how long this will be kept alive.

But for now, all I know is, I am glad to have this blog.

Seventy-posts (including drafts) later and here I am still blogging. A little bit different from the blogger a year before but still the same one way or another.

Happy anniversary, FiftyShadesOfQueer. Happy birthday.

*****







Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Quickie: Of friends and relationships

I guess it's true. When you're in a relationship, it's better to stay away from other guys despite of being friends only. At the very least, slowly detach or rather weaken the bond. Setting the boundaries is not enough because one may step over the line and get hurt. Detachment may be a better option. Heartaches and tears could have been prevented.

Now, I'm writing the saddest love letter I've ever written. It's for you my friend. I'm having a hard time writing it and I actually felt a tear well up on the corner of my eye. I'm such a cry-baby. I'm not sure if the friendship could be saved but at the very least let's have some closure.

I haven't realized that the feelings you felt for me were genuine.

Sorry for being insensitive.

And I miss you.

Posted via Blogaway


Posted via Blogaway

Monday, November 11, 2013

The name that blew the Philippines

Yolanda has left me devastated. I may not be affected physically nor my loved ones but seeing the news left me with grief.

I will never forget how scared I was when I learned Yolanda was to pass through Bicol. That's where my partner is currently assigned. I told partner to take care and not to push his plans of getting home for the weekend. He went to buy groceries ahead so that they have food over the storm. Despite of the preparations, I can't help myself but be worried so I showered him with texts asking if he was okay.

Friday night came and Yolanda struck. I followed the news religiously and constantly asked partner how he was. Partner wasn't able to hide his feelings and said, "Bunso, nakakatakot na rito."

If only I was with him and to tuck him under my arms but I stood here in Manila helpless. I was not able to do anything and only words of comfort I offered. I tried not to cry, a feat since I can be a crybaby at times, because I didn't want him to worry. I hated the feeling of not being able to do anything. I'm his partner. I should do something. But the circumstances held me stunned in place. This was the first challenge of our long-distance relationship and I found it quite difficult not being physically present to comfort partner. Yolanda has shakened me and my relationship, the bond partner and I shared was subjected to pressure.

*****

Fortunately, partner came out of it safe and well but I cannot say the same for all. Haiy. I grief for those who have been affected by Yolanda especially those from Tacloban. My prayers are with you.

And to readers, I urge you to help in your own way. A canned good can go long for those victims of Yolanda. It's time for us to step up. Expressing grief online is one thing, actually helping is another. Words are powerful but it won't magically turn to food, clothes nor shelter. Let's do our part and act.


Posted via Blogaway

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Draft. Bondage. Fetish. Sex.


I've been writing this blog post for quite a few days now and I'm having a hard time since the piece is out of my comfort zone. Anyway, I'm trying to finish it since I want this piece to get published. This post is challenging for me since I changed my tone and style here, I think, and I'm not sure how this will turn out.

I decided to share to you an excerpt so at least, if I will not be able to finish it, a part of it still gets published. Enjoy.

*****

"Uh, sir you're good."

You went down to his chest and devoured his nipples with fluctuating intensity so that the guy will have time to breathe. The little guy writhed, tossed and turned, and you enjoyed every gasp that escaped from his mouth when you lightly nipped his nipples. Your tongue played with his nipples with hard thrusts as you noticed his tied hands trying to grab your dick. "It's time," you told yourself.

You stood up. "Get up," you said once again. He got up slightly nearing your crotch. Your already excited dick grew larger as you saw his nose neared. "Suck."

His tied hands went in and fumbled with your towel. "No," you commanded. "Use your mouth." His hands dropped immediately. Obedient. Nice. His face went near and his mouth slightly parted exposing his teeth. He bit your towel and loosen it and your dick slapped his face in the process.

"That's better. You're a good boy, aren't you?"

"Can I please see your dick, sir?" he asked.

You thought, why not? His eyes are too good to be blindfolded. "Later, my boy. I'll remove that later. I promise you."


*****

So, there you have it. FiftyShadesOfQueer finally decided to write about Christian 'Gay' of his blog. Does this mean will you see CG in future blog posts? We'll see.

Side note: I'm not a fan of the Fifty Shades trilogy nor have I read any of those. I'm not a fan as well of BDSM.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Queer Quickie: BBM

Nice move, BB. BB has been once the 'iphone' of the market but since the emergence of iOS and Android with their ever growing app market BB has been struggling with their market share. In response, Blackberry has recently made its famouse Blackberry Messenger to its two biggest competitors, IOS and Android. Moving to being a software provider can actually save you just like what Atari did.

So far, I'm enjoying BBM. Too bad I only have a few contacts to chat with as of the moment. Maybe because of the 'queuing system' one has to go through in order to get his respective BBM pin. On the other hand, the application has been working smoothly and has served its purpose. I still have yet to explore its other features though.

So, BB, thank you for this move and I'm still looking forward to you competing in the market. I believe you are a great company with awesome devices, I still drool dreamily over your products, but the app market share of iOS and Android has swerved most of your potential customers. Yea, tough love but hey where's the thrill in the absence of competition?

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Unshakeable

Recent events have left me shaken. The earthquake in Bohol scared me to the point I wake up in the middle of the night afraid and full of sweat. I'm not sure if this is a product of mass hysteria the media has unknowingly induced or if this stemmed from the fact that I'm afraid of things I can't control.
No. I'm not a control freak. I don't revel in power nor control.

It's just that, I'm scared when I face a predicament in which I reach a dead end because I'm out of controllable variables to change the outcome of an event. And natural disasters are ultimate dead-ends for me.

What if it hits Manila? Or Bicol? What about partner? My family? Our family? 

I texted partner and told him how I felt about the earthquake. 

"Di na natin yan makokontrol, bunso. Wala natayong magagawa dyan. Makakapagdasal lang tayo, bunso."

Simple words. But I felt better.

So, to my fellow Cebuanos. Let's stay strong. Let's get up. Our land may be shakeable but not us.


Finally introduced my partner to

... 9-yr. old sister.

I never have expected partner to agree with sister tagging along with us on our date since partner is quite an introvert but he said yes. My sister's exams just ended and she asked if we could watch "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" last Saturday and as I have the intent to reconnect with siblings I told her I'll treat her. Unfortunately, it was on date night with partner and I can't move it to the day after as I've already committed myself to college friends so I texted him right away to ask if sister could come along.

"Ui, pwede ko isama si 9-yr. old sister? I'll treat her a movie tonight."

Seconds seemed minutes. I sincerely hoped he will agree as I don't want to miss date night. I don't want to waste his efforts coming home every weekend from Bicol.

Finally, he replied, "Oo naman po. Anong movie? What time po?"

I almost jumped out of happiness. Somehow, I felt that it was a step up from our relationship despite of the fact that he's only meeting my 9-yr. Old sister. Still she's family and I want her to meet him and him meet her.

Funny, I was like a kid given a big chocolate bar when I received his reply. I immediately answered him and told him my thanks and I rushed telling my sister to prepare. My sister looked excited as well not knowing that she will meet the person who broke through her kuya's jaded heart and made her kuya fall to the unimaginable oblivion. I told her to take her bath quickly and to get at least prepared an hour before the movie starts. I, on the other hand, was smiling goofily. Happiness shallow, easily reached.

Everything prepared and we went.

On our way to SM, I suddenly felt this nervousness. One can actually trace the beads of sweat trickling through my forehead. I've never introduced ANYONE, not even friends, to any member of my family. How would my sister find partner? What would she tell my parents? Would she get a hint of the true nature of our relationship? She's smart enough to at at least get an idea.

I shrugged off those thoughts. I looked at my sister and she smiled as she went on with her story about her recent updates in school. Her smile. We both have the same smile. The same eyes. We've been always told how much we look alike but I've never seen that until now.

I was reassured for a certain degree as she held my hand and we got off the jeep. As we walked towards the mall, I gripped her hand tightly while my knees went cold and I can feel a slight wobble. I texted partner that we were at the mall and we should meet at the ticket booth instead.

Escalator. We ascended. I left my stomach at the previous floor. 

Dugdugdug.  Why am I this nervous? It's just a simple movie date with my 9-yr.old sister and my partner. What's there to be nervous about? Think rational. 

"Kuya, anlamig ata ng kamay mo," my sister said.

I ignored her. I squinted my eyes and there he was with the smile I'll never forget.

"Hey, kaibigan ko. Call him Kuya na lang. Kapatid ko. Call her *******."

Quick introductions. Enter then exit. Smooth and easy.

Partner laughed as we bought our tickets. He quickly warmed to my sister. "Ui, kamukhang kamukha mo kuya mo."

"Aba, ayoko nga. Maganda ako."

"Kung makapagsalita itong batang ito. Ka-swerte mo nga at ako kamukha mo. Medyo nalugi nga ako kapag ganyan e."

"At ikaw pa may gana na malugi ha," partner defended my sister. 

"Huhuhu," I said, acting like a baby. "Pati baga naman sa inyong dalawa pagtutulungan parin ako. Tara na nga bumili ng snacks."

We walked towards the grocery store. My sister led the way and we were left behind. My sister, so independent at times. My partner pinched me playfully while walking and I pushed him aside as we hid at this stall from my sister but still keeping her within my line of sight.

"Ambully mong kuya." I laughed as I intentionally showed myself when sister looked back when she realized we disappeared. 

"Kuya ang kulit mo para kang bata!"

"Ay sya tara na bumili ng snacks," I told them.

"Dapat libre ng kuya mo."

"Haha, dapat nga nanlilibre ng snacks yang si kapatid e. Dami kaya niyang pera," I said. My sister then held at her purse firmly yet jokingly. I know she saved up for a few tokens at the arcade.

And the two went on goading me to treat them as we bought our snacks. Ugh. They were the bullies all along. Pfffft.

We went into the movie house after buying our snacks. A few stolen glances and a bit of I love you's were said while my sister was beside me. We were careful not to get caught by my sister as we don't want her to start telling things to my mom and dad.

The movie started. I was seated between partner and my sister and I handed out the snacks. I told sister to offer my partner some food. As my sister began to be engrossed at the movie, my routine with partner started. I slid my hand between us and he slid his. Our fingers intertwined. I smiled and looked at him.

"I love you," he mouthed.

"I love you too," I said.

He suddenly puckered his lips. I thought he was going in for a kiss when I realized he was gesturing towards my sister. I looked at her. Still engrossed at the movie. Her whole life taken over by the food-people the movie depicted. My partner smiled. He laughed. I like his smile and laugh. He never forgets to smile despite of everything. 

"I really can't help but comment how much she looks like you."

"Well, we are siblings."

"At mukhang makulit. Parang ikaw."

"Hahaha, ah dyn di na ako magaagree. Ambait-bait ko kaya. Di naman ako naughty. No pun intended. Hahahhaha."

I looked at my sister and made sure she was not looking and I kissed my partner's hand.


*****

After the movie, we went to Globe center and I applied for a postpaid plan. My sister, ever hyper and active, asked if she could play at the arcade while waiting for me. I agreed and asked partner if he's okay with watching over my sister for a few minutes. He agreed and they went.

I waited for my application and I took notice of a young couple strolling hand in hand together. Sweet. I'm such a sucker for simple gestures. I realized that partner and I haven't held hands yet in public. Something I've looked forward to every time we meet. We have conformed to the norms of the conservatism of our country wherein two guys can't hold hands in public without mean eyes and slurs being hurled at them. Maybe, I'm just too ambitious. The Philippines is not ready for that... yet. Wait. I've seen two guys helds before. Near workplace! Hahaha. I can still remember how shocked I was. Not out of horror but shocked with awe that I was actually left open-mouthed looking at them. So maybe, the Philippines is not ready but still we're on our way. 

I can't wait.

My partner and sister went back from the arcade. My partner can't help but explain how surprised he was how my sister played her games. Very competitive. Hahaha. And all the rough games. That motorcycle game, time crisis game, and racing games. Partner even demonstrated how my sister played that motorcycle game.

"Broooom. Brooom," he mimicked as he acted as if he was driving the motorcycle exaggeratedly competitive.


"Nakakatawa kapatid mo."

"I know right."

"I love you. She has your eyes."

"Bakit? Mata lagi napapansin samin."

"Mwuah mwuah mwuah," as he made kissy sounds.

"I missed you. I super duper miss you. LDRs are tough."

"Kaya natin ito bunso." 

I looked at him with full determination.

"Kuya, let's go. Gutom na ako," sister said. Uh. 

"Gutom ka nanaman e isang malaking lata ng pringles ang kinain mo. Grabe."

"Hayaan mo na yung bata. Dapat nga iniispoil yan," partner to the rescue.

"Nabanggit ko lang. Di naman pinpigilan. Magsama na nga lang kayong dalawa."

I held my sister's hand. My partner held the other and we strolled. Everything felt in place. Everything felt normal. 

It will be alright. We're on our way.


posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, October 11, 2013

Queer Quickie - That's My Tomboy

I'm glad we have a lesbian-themed segment in our Philippine TV. I believe that of the LGBT niche, lesbians are the less acknowledged(?). We don't have that many lesbian characters nor themed shows and I think this segment has finally put the lesbians upfront and say "hey, here we are. We exist."

On the other hand, I wonder if the reason for this is because lesbians are more tolerated, which is different from accepted, and normalized compared to gays, bis, and transgenders based on my perspective.

And another, di ko alam kung ang dapat ko bang sabihin e mas lalo nakakabakla ang mga contestants o nagiging straight ako dahil sa kanila. ;)

posted from Bloggeroid

Blog Plug - The Rainbow Connection

This blog deserves more views. I've read the first two posts and they're quite good.

So if you are a telenovela type of guy who is searching for love, take a peek inside:

blogserye2013.blogspot.com

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Top ten things I shouldn't be thinking in the first place

Disclaimer: some here are intense issues so please bear with me. Not for those who have weak faith or beliefs nor for those who easily believes and the close-minded. Correct me. Refute me if I'm wrong. Let's discuss if you may.

1. Relatively speaking to the plane of the solar system, have scientists checked if there are planets above it or under it?

2. If God is all-powerful and all-knowing, does that mean humans don't have freewill? If humans have free will does that cancel out the existence of an omnipotent and omniscient being?

3. As an extension of the idea in number 2, God has plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. This means each and every human is designed and planned by God. But what about those born out of rape? Was it planned for that girl to be raped for God's plans to be carried out? Does that mean the rapist is working under God's will?

4. What if we are the only surviving sentient species in this whole wide universe or what if we are the smartest of all surviving sentient species?

5. Why do undergarments have designs?

6. Is the mouth designed for sex?

7. As a believer of nature vs. nurture, I believe that a social behavior is not linked with genes. Does that mean one cannot be born gay since falling in love is a social behavior?

8. What if dolphins, whales, and other animals considered to be smart are actually sentient? We just don't understand what they say. Based on my observations, they can make actual decisions not based solely on responding to stimuli. Not entirely sure on this though.

9. Did God really make man or did man create god?

10. What if your whole existence is just a part of someone else's dreams?

Random thinking. I miss my cups of coffee.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, October 3, 2013

My 9-yr. Old sister is being cheesy with

"Hui, friend kamusta ka na?" a text message from my sister read.

"Hui, friend ayos lang ako," her friend replied.

"Friend, may assignment ba tayo?" my sister asked.

"Wala. Bakit di ka pa natutulog? Gabing gabi na ah."

"Di ako makatulog kakaisip sayo, BEA."

Boooom! Headache. I need paracetamol.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Queer Quickie: WeChat is the new Grindr

I can't help but notice how many greetings I get in WeChat that came from guys. Last night, I received more or less 30 invites/greetings in less than 5 hours and only one from a girl. I laughed because obviously these guys are not straight. I mean would a straight guy add another guy as a contact casually?

How can I turn off that 'people nearby' feature? I don't want my profile to show up there anymore.

posted from Bloggeroid

I can't help but feel

Shame. Yes. Maybe, after everything that has happened, despite of how much we are far apart, I can't help myself but be ashamed of you. Of what happened to us. You failed on your role and we are left with that void.11 years, and counting, of words left unspoken, I wonder if reconciliation is still possible.

Pity. Yes. You. I pity you for thinking who you are is what you are when actually you're far from what you thought you are. With all your pride and self-righteousness, you felt a certain power that never was yours nor it will be. There are people better than you, I've learned that lesson myself as well. Painfully. And as your friend, I'm trying to teach you that. But you still stand on the pedestal you made for yourself as you cast your eyes down on us. You're alone up there. Let me help you get back. I'm here for you.

Sadness. No, I'm not emotional. I'm quite a happy individual. But behind the smiles, I just want tell you how torn and broken I am inside.

Thankful. Gratitude for picking every piece of me and bringing me back together. You bled for I have hurt you. You cried and yet you never stopped putting each piece of me together, pricking your fingers and having your heart broken in the process, just to see the beauty that is me. I will never let you be hurt again and it's my turn to heal the wounds I have caused. I never deserved you but you made me feel I am enough. You have changed me. The jaded me has melted. Forever maybe cloudy but I will be with you each day if you let me. Sorry for everything I have done and might do but I assure you I'm learning. I'll never let go of you my dear. Let's try to make the forever possible.

Disappointed. Disappointed for I have not done my part as your big brother. I grew up far away from you two as well. You grew up close together as I drifted further from you. I hope you will understand that what happened between us is a result of my intellectual pursuit. My pursuit to bring home the bacon. My pursuit to maintain my scholarships so that we will have enough money to send you to good schools. I am disappointed that as I brought home the award coveted for, Magna Cum Laude, top of the whole university, I have unknowingly placed you in the same pressure I've been through even now. To my brother, you are pressured to follow my footsteps but you were never expected to bring home the same award. They expect you to graduate as Cum Laude not knowing you can achieve further. You are living behind my shadow and our sister's. I urge you to prove them wrong. Whatever is the result, be comforted with the fact that you gave a good fight. Reach for the stars. If you fail, at least you will land on the moon as they say. As for you my dear sister, my sweet 9-yr. Old sister, you are placed in this pressure at a very young age. You are mentally conditioned at this early age to graduate as Summa to complete the 'set'. Live life. I'm glad you're not affected anymore. But my heart broke when you cried because you finished second last school year and you were afraid what he may tell you. I'm sure you will do better. You're the smartest of us all. But I'm here to remind you to live life. I'll teach you how to play when you forget because of you burning the midnight oil in the future. We will play games, all three of us deprived of the intellectual comfort we need, just as I have dreamed. We will get through this together.

Contentment for I have a medium in which I could unload my thoughts. This blog has done me well. It has served me well. You readers became my friends. I have always looked forward to your comments that never failed to warm my heart. Honestly, your presence in this blog have made life easier. You became my confidante, blog and readers. You may not be many but you are treasured. I love you. I wish I could tell you how much I am thankful for being there with me through the good times and the bad. This life is a roller coaster journey. Thank you for taking this ride with me.

Life. People are always in pursuit of happiness in life and yet life throws a lot of emotions towards us. We fail to appreciate this. We get angry because we failed to be happy. In reality, how can we appreciate sweets if this is all that we had? How can we appreciate happiness without experiencing the other emotions we should go through?

Shame.
Pity.
Sadness.
Gratitude.
Disappointement.
Contentment.

We all go through these and a lot more.

But in the end, there is happiness. One way or another, it is definitely waiting along the journey or at the end of the tunnel.

And with that, I smile and I can't help but keep moving forward.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, September 27, 2013

Queer Quickie: Random thinking about monthsaries

What would you feel when your partner forgets your monthsary for the second time consecutively?

I had to remind him that it's our monthsary yesterday. We don't celebrate our monthsaries and I usually comfort myself with the fact that, at the very least, a greeting first thing in the morning would be the best. But not even a greeting was said last month. A week has passed after our special day last month before I broke my silence and told him that he forgot our special day and a greeting would have been enough. Yesterday, I can't help myself but remind him that afternoon. Is he that busy to forget?

What should I feel?  Should I be mad?

Should monthsaries even be celebrated?

I was always a firm believer of not counting the months in a relationship and just deal with the relationship one day at a time. But now that I'm in a relationship, I have this feeling every month, on the day we became committed, that day is special and should be celebrated. That I want to reminisce what we've been through, celebrate what we have now, and to make plans for our tomorrow.

But here I am, still dreaming of celebrating a monthsary.

Magtampo man ako, mukha namang walang mangyayari. Kapag pinagsasabihan ko siya, wala rin namang pagbabago.

I guess I should keep myself in silence and not expect.

Who am I to ask for so much?

Gym Quickie

... no, I didn't had a quickie in the gym. I was just surprised that one of my crushes in the gym talked to me last night. Not because he was interested in me but rather because he wanted to use the equipment I was using. Unfortunately, he had set the incline bench too high for me. He taught me how to bench press on that height and even offered to spot. I felt awkward though because he called me 'pre' and 'bro' the whole time. Can't he see I'm a 'sis' and 'kumare'?

Anyway, another gym rat who was watching us noticed what I have been struggling for the past few years: my breathing. I've noticed this before that I've been breathing irregularly(?) when I took swimming lessons as a kid. I felt like my breaths were short and quick that's why I can't finish a lap. Gym rat noticed that my breathing was not controlled and I seemed to hold my breath when I lift thus limiting my number and strength of lifts depending on how long I can hold my breath.

"Pre, wag mo pigilan paghinga mo."

Sigh. Maybe, I should google a tutorial on how to breathe. Hahahha.

Anyway, I'm seeing some progress. Unfortunately, I'm still far from the body type I want.








The nipples begging to be played. Haha. I was reminded of how wild partner and I can be with nipple plays. Sometimes, shower the next day can be a pain because my nipples were in agony. I usually discover them covered with blood clot a day after. Also, one time, my partner suddenly stopped nibbling in the middle of some nipple action and exclaimed:

"Teka, ramdam kong may sugat na."

And I didn't notice as I was in pure ecstasy the whole time.

I guess we should tone it down a bit.

Random.
posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Blaming the bullied victim

NOTE: I decided not to blog my Root Cause Analysis for the meantime. What matters is the lesson learned. Credits to author Jim Benton. I borrowed his format of writing. Sorry for the long post as well. Please bear with me.


September 02, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

Dumb diary, I hate being effeminate. God. I wish I'm more manly. I wish I'm straight. I wish I'm bigger. I'm tired of my classmates teasing me for being feminine. I'm tired of how they laugh at me. I'm tired of their jokes. I'm tired of being their object of ridicule. Yes, I'm tired of everything. I can't wait to get out of elementary and get into high school. I can't wait to graduate. I can't wait to leave this hell hole. I can't wait to forget my classmates. I can't wait to have new friends who will be more accepting of who I was. I can't wait for the respect I rightfully should have.

Anyway, dumb diary. Today, as I ate my recess, I watched my classmates laugh at my group of friends because they saw us as weird group of guys who acts like girls. Obviously, they can't appreciate the beauty inside us. I pity them, dumb diary. They laugh at us when they're actually the ones who should be laughed at for their stupidity and for being insensitive. They should be the ones I should laugh at because I saw how simple minded they are. I should be the one laughing because they're pitiful for being dragged by the winds of "commonness".

Anyway, I'll get the last laugh.

*****

September 15, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

I was watching the lower levels play chinese garter today. Gaaah. I miss that game. Even though I was really not good at it all. But there is a certain grace I feel whenever I jump over that long piece of rubber band. A certain grace that I appreciate. I feel like a fairy jumping tiptoed. I feel beautiful.

*****

September 18, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

I watched soft porn today with my uncle. It was straight porn, dumb diary. I don't even know if I should classify it as porn. It was a movie with story. But there was um a "sexy scene". The guy was actually a dirty old man. Haha. But I felt very weird southwards. I went to the bathroom a few times during the sexy scenes. Um, I was surprised that my bird got so big. It was veiny. It was the first time I saw my bird that big and I felt this pain as if it can grow much longer. I didn't know what to do. I tried to pee but to no avail. I thought my bird was going to fly off my body.

Fortunately, after a few minutes, my bird went limp. 

*****

October 12, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

I had my first fist fight today. It felt good.

It all started when I exclaimed I was thirsty. My mouth was dry and I have already used up all the water in my water bottle. We were doing some seatwork my teacher has assigned for us that day and I didn't want to waste time by getting some water from the drinking fountain. My classmates were already finished with theirs and mine was still half-way through.

"Tara sa cr, painumin kita ng gatas," my seatmate told me while smiling. Our other seatmates overheard and laugh.

"Ha, may gatas ba roon?" I asked. 

More laughter. I felt this sinking feeling that I should be offended. I ignored them.

"Halika na kasi. Masarap yung gatas dun. Ako pa magbibigay sayo," my seatmate urged.

Our seatmates by this time were laughing harder. I ignored them once again and concentrated on the task at hand. When I finished my work, I fell in line to get my work checked by our teacher. A classmate went in line as well and positioned behind my back. Way too close. As in waaaay close. I could feel his dick pressing against me.

"Bakit ayaw mo ng gatas nung dun sa katabi mo?" he snickered.

Snap. Everything went black. I found myself punching him. He punched back. He was a better fighter but I cared nonetheless. All mattered was I'm tired of them laughing at me. Whatever that "gatas" meant, it must have meant something funny. Something to disrespect me. I sooo needed to get my fist on his face.

We were subdued by our classmates and our teacher. 

"FSOQ, you should see me later or tomorrow at the faculty."

I looked at my classmate. Few bruises and scrapes. Maybe none at all. It seems that he made more damage than I did. 

But fighting back felt good.

I looked at my seatmate. He was surprised with what happened. He was the one who started it all anyway. I missed him. I missed my bestfriend. What happened between us?

*****

October 13, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

"Bakit ba kasi di mo tigasan ang kilos mo? Napagtritripan ka tuloy ng classmates mo." 

I was dumbfounded. My jaw dropped. Am I the one being blamed here?

"Ma'am, e siya naman po ang nagsimula e," I reasoned out.

"E, kung magpakalalaki ka kaya,"

"Ma'am, lalaki naman po ako."

"E, bakit lalambot lambot ang kilos mo, ha?" she asked. There was a slight concern from her face.

I was the victim. I was the one being bullied. But there I was in the faculty office feeling like I was the one being interrogated. As if they were the victims. I was the one bullied, wasn't I? I was the one who was hurt more physically and emotionally scarred.

"Magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi ng di ka na asarin ng classmates mo. You brought this on yourself. Should I inform your parents with what happened?"

I fell silent.

I'm always defeated.

I went out of the faculty and I saw the small smirk on the guys' faces as I entered the room. My fist clenched, dumb diary.

*****


April 28, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

Good bye, hellish pit hole! I'm leaving you! Proud graduate.

*****

May 14, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

My mother enrolled me in the highschool department of my previous school. Memories are still fresh I can't take.

Anyway, still looking forward to high school.


*****

June 10, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

Got into the pilot section (cream of the crop section) of our year level. Yay! I'm sure most of my classmates are educated. Can't wait to start the school year.

*****

September 2, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

I want to die. I feel like I'm in hell again. 

Why is it happening to me again? Why am I being bullied again? What did I ever do to them for me to be picked on every f****** single time? 

I'll never forget what happened today. It will be forever etched in my mind, dumb diary. I can't help these tears flowing. It's time for me to cry. I'm tired of holding my tears back. Let me cry, dumb diary. Let me be sensitive. Let me feel something.

Their hands pinned me down the floor, dumb diary. There's so many of them. There were more or less seven of them. At least 3 pair of hands held me down the floor. I could hear them laughing. I hate laughing. I hate it so much that I don't see it as a response of happiness but rather I see it with despise. I tried fighting back but they were too strong.

I suddenly felt someone got on top of me. He positioned himself against my butt. I was wailing already. I was crying my heart out. I screamed.

He further positioned himself against my ass and pounded. He suddenly shouted, "Shumoot! Ang galing ko magbasketball." Further laughter. Further f****** laughter.

It happened within the classroom. We had our clothes on. But I feel violated. And the worst thing is that it happened while the whole class was with us. Some cared but they were too scared to fight back those bullies.

The guy on top of me stood up. He smiled and the others were congratulating him. They left and I was left lying face down the floor still crying. I opted not to report them. I will be blamed again. I don't have anyone to back me up. Wala akong kasagpi sa mundong ito, dumb diary. I turned to my friends. They were also helpless with what happened.

"Magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi ng di ka na asarin ng classmates mo. You brought this on yourself," a voice from a teacher last year echoed through my mind.

I promised myself that I will be better than them, dumb diary. I'm going to be so much better.

*****

Further imaginary journal entries will be posted. And for those who are wondering, these events happened though I did not put it into a diary and the dates were randomly selected (the year was correct). Life after first year high school was better. The bullies were transferred to lower sections. Seems like first year pilot section is not as genuine due to the different grading systems from elementary schools thus not getting the rightful candidates for the cream of the crop section. High school was a blast but I will never forget that first year high school event nor that elementary event. 

"Similarly, when you laugh/make homophobic remarks, hold yourself responsible for your words and actions. Don't pass it off by saying something lame like "eh, kasi, kalalaking tao, ganyan manamit!" - Joey Ramirez, rappler.com