Saturday, June 22, 2013

Sexual Orientation vs. Sexual Preference

Honestly, I never liked those two terms. Those words make me feel that being gay is a choice and that I could have chosen otherwise. 

Why? Sexual Orientation. Orientation. Was I oriented to fall in love with other guys? Did an external factor affected how I feel, that given the chance that this factor is absent, everything could have been different? I'm reviewing my history and could it be true? But I'm only one of the many gay people in this world and one couldn't speak for the group.

Sexual Preference. Preference. Choice. Did I choose to be gay? Did I choose to fall in love with other guys? Believe me, if I had a choice, I would have chosen to be straight so that the complications of being gay in a straight world would be unburdened. It's difficult to be gay. I'm tired of the taunts, the back bites, and those who are judgmental. I could have lessened these to a certain degree if I were straight, I believe. I'm tired of hearing and reading comments that I am psychologically abnormal.

All I know is you don't control who you fall in love with. For straight people, is there a moment in your life that you chose to fall in love with a girl? Could you choose to fall in love with a guy? That's the same for us gays. We didn't choose to fall in love with a guy and certainly we don't control who we fall in love with. Blast the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is the only thing to blame for releasing the hormones that makes us feel "love". 

Gender studies is a very complicated field. Sociology as well. With all the intricacies of the decisions affected by the external factors and how these decisions affect the society as well as the individual... Haiy, buhay. Too many questions I have in mind. All I could hope for is some answers.

Friday, June 7, 2013

I have a confession to make

I'm a virgin. Yes, I'm a 21-yr. old gay man and I'm a virgin. 

I'm a virgin not because I look ugly and I don't sexually arouse some members of the gay community. I've had my own share of indecent proposals (not that I'm proud of it) and a "straight" guy actually confessed that he's attracted to my nipples (he's my roommate and gaaaaaah he's a perv then). I'm a virgin because I chose to. I'm a virgin because, as old-fashioned as it may sound, I want to save this for that special someone who's ready to grow old with me. I'm a virgin because I treasure sex and sex without passion, intimacy and emotions is meaningless and pointless. I'm not the kind of person who would just have sex just to release the sexual tension pent up waiting to be unleashed and begging to be answered.

No, I'm not bashing those who are promiscuous. To each his own, I believe. Each and every one of us have reasons for the decisions made so don't tell me I'm being "maarte" for not grabbing the opportunity to get laid. 

So, why am I telling you this? Because here's my dilemma. I want to get laid. I'm sorry. I don't know why but I believe I have found the guy to whom I can offer the whole "ME". I believe that I have responsibilities that I have to attend to this guy and I believe one of these is to satisfy his sexual hunger, a primal need present since humanity existed. The problem is, I'm inexperienced. How could I satisfy his needs if I don't know how to satisfy it properly in the first place? It's a good thing he's not pressuring me to do it and he's willing to wait but I can't stay virgin forever while being in a relationship because sex is something serious couples should share as it is an act of domination and submission. Sex is an act of trust and love. 

I just realized how unavailable gay kama sutra books are. HAHAH! Out of desperation, I went to SM MOA and looked for sex guides for the gay man. Hahaha! Unfortunately, all the sex guides there are for straight couples. I know that sex positions are the same, hetero or homo. But, there are preparations to be done when you're a homosexual or when you're about to engage penetrative anal sex. You need to be safe. 

I also realized that the reason why HIV is widespread in the gay community is because of the lack of information available. Gays, who are experimenting (we all go through this) are out there without any guidance from a source that they can trust. The internet is there. The source is there. But we need information that are valid. Many information in the internet are unreliable and could actually affect negatively those who have taken it seriously. We need to be informed but we can only do it if we inform.

So, I'll inform those who are in the same situation as me with the facts I know from what I have learned from the experience of other people. I don't have to wait for me to get laid to teach those who are inexperienced what to do when they have to DO it. I can share them the experiences of other people, anonymously of course, and hope that they learn something from it as well.

In this line, please teach me as well. Teach me how to prepare. I'm lucky that I don't "have" to do it but I want to do it because I want to express my trust and love to my special someone in the right time. I don't have to do it right away but I will do it when the time comes and when that happens I want to be prepared.

Ciao! Let's have breakfast!