I've always been regarded as the effeminate one in the family. I admit, I may not be as manly as my cousins but I don't cross-dress. Those two are different things. Anyway, because of it, I was the subject of ridicule in the family when I was a kid until I gained a degree of masculinity as I reached adulthood. I may be in the closet from my family but I know that they knew. They're just waiting for me to confirm it.
As days became months and months became years, I realized that I was not the only one in the closet. My brother is there as well! My little brother. My sweet innocent little brother. I knew from the very start when we were kids that we were kindred spirits but it was not a big of a deal for me that's why I brushed the issue aside. But recent events have pushed me to decide that I have to talk to him regarding with his preference. Not because of his preference but rather because of his actions.
It all started when my mother brought a laptop for herself and for my brother. I have a laptop at home but my mother and brother brought one because I usually bring mine to school. The laptop didn't have any user account so files were not segregated by user. I used their laptop before when mine was having problems due to overuse. Being in the IT field, I know my way around the computer and found out something startling: gay porn torrents! Whoa. I was shocked. Immediately I thought of my brother and everything was confirmed right there and then. It may not be from his lips but those torrents were enough evidence for me to make a conclusion. I checked the history of the laptop's browser and I saw the torrent sites. I looked around the hard drive, trying to search the videos, but to no avail. I did find some videos of a man flexing his muscles but with a round tummy. The search history also included keywords like "muscled guy with tummy". Whoa. Shocker. What a fetish!
The second incident was when I opened his Facebook account. Sorry, it was an accident. His account was left logged in and I can't help but snoop around just to check his messages. There was this one guy he kept in touch with and judging from their thread, my brother has a crush on him.
The last incident that finally pushed me to decide to talk to him is when we brought a tablet for the whole family. My brother and my 9 yr. old sister are the ones who usually use the tablet at home. It's more convenient and energy efficient than opening a laptop when we're just browsing the internet When I used the table to use Google search, the browser gave me the following search suggestions based on history: taylor lautner abs, taylor lautner height, joseph marco height, luis manzano height and many more! Oh my! We have the same type. Haha. Team Jacob! But that's not all! One time, I opened the browser and the very website opened was a gay porn site with all the graphic pictures to display! Whoa! I got worried since my sister also uses the tablet and she might have seen it. Her eyes are too young for those!
Because of these, we have to have "the talk". The problem is I'm not prepared! I hope my brother has been safe all along. I don't want him to venture without weighing the possible consequences of his actions! I grew up without a guide regarding with my sexuality since I don't have gay classmates and friends. I don't want this to happen to my brother as well.
Am I in the position to talk to him? Ugh. I'm so confused. First of all, we need to establish rules when using electronic devices. These gadgets are shared with my sister and mother. Maybe it's time for me to give him one of his own. I also believe I should guide him to making the right choices. Maybe I should come out to him. But I'm also not prepared for that.
Oh my. This is interesting. Suddenly, I realized a dilemma. You see, in our whole family in our father side, there's only three of us to carry on the surname. The only three in the WHOLE lot. My cousin is straight so that leaves the two of us to see who comes out first. If one of us came out first, the other one left will be having a hard time and our parents may be more devastated and may not easily accept the fact that two of their sons are gays. Noooo.
On the other hand, my 9 yr. old sister may be a budding lesbian. She's very boyish though I know for a fact that this is not a reliable indicator. Whatever. Haha. If she turned out to be a lesbian then there goes my parents' wishes to have grand children.
Watta family. Watta set of siblings. I can't help but look at the situation in a humorous light. I feel like I'm in a race against my brother. On the other hand, maybe both of us will choose to stay in the closet from our family. The closet is big enough for the both of us. :)