Saturday, July 13, 2013

Forgiven

Every relationship isn't perfect. Each has its own complexities, problems, and heart aches. We make mistakes. We hurt our loved ones, intentional or not. But why do we still engage in a relationship knowing that sooner or later we will hurt and get hurt?

That is the very question I have asked when I answered, "Yes" to my hubby when he asked if we could be exclusive back in our vacation in Anawangin, Zambales. I had full of doubts. He was going to be first real boyfriend and I realized that by putting myself in his arms I'm making myself vulnerable to his every action. That whatever I do, he's very much capable of hurting me, may not be physically but emotionally, and I was not mentally prepared for such risk. Despite of my fears and doubts, I trusted him and we became a couple.

Two months later, I was the one who inflicted emotional pain. Not once but multiple times. Ironic. I was the one who was afraid of getting hurt and it actually turned out to be the other way around. I was unfaithful. I succumbed to temptation and I'm never going to let myself do it again. I realized my mistake. I realized that when I'm intimate with anybody else but him, the fact that he's the only one for me is reinforced and that we are meant for each other. My mistake put me back on the right track.

I confessed to him. I told him what happened. I heard him cry over the phone. Seven full minutes of crying. When the network cut the call due to Fair Usage Policy, he never called back. He just texted me implying that he's going to be okay and he needs time to digest what has happened. My conscience ate me. I was bad. I never had plans to hurt him. I love him and it hurts me more when I heard him cry.

This week has been rough. He rarely replied to my texts. I only received messages reminding me to eat on time and to always take care of myself. I got worried. This is the relationship I was dreaming of and the foundation of it was endangered because of me. I was not able to sleep peacefully knowing that the relationship and my health was at risk. I can't wait for weekend to come and see him in person, to comfort him, to tell him that everything is going to be okay, and to assure him that he is the only one I love and that I made a mistake I regret. I was also looking forward for it for him to reassure me that everything's going to be alright, that he will be with me when I get my test.

Yesterday came. He was silent. A disturbed look was etched on his face. Moments passed by and I was telling him sorry. We went to the mall. I told him I'll never do it again. I apologized sincerely. He told me he's going to be okay. We watched a movie and slowly we held hands. He may not have said it but I believe he has forgiven me.

What is an apology? Sometimes, we say the word "sorry" too much that the essence of this word is lost along the way. Sorry is a valuable word that can be tainted. Like any thing, this word, when used too much, loses its luster. What does sorry even mean? Recent events led me to conclude that sorry is not just a term asking for forgiveness. The genuine meaning of sorry is, "I made a mistake and I would like to ask for forgiveness. This will not happen again." What is sorry if you're going to do the same mistake over and over? What is an apology if you don't value the fact that the person you had an offense against has forgiven you despite of the gravity of your fault? A true apology is holding his forgiveness as something priceless and doing your best to learn from the mistake.

So, I have learned my lesson. I was able to get his forgiveness and now I'm going to win back his trust. I cannot expect him to trust me completely after everything. I actually expect him na maghigpit in light of recent events and I understand if he does. I would have done the same thing if I am placed in his situation. But at the very least, we're still together and we're going to face everything together. I'm not going to let go of his hand no matter what. My hands are only for his. Would I be naive to say that this is going to be forever and ever? Yes. But it doesn't hurt to be hopeful I believe.

Now, the test. That's what I'm waiting for currently and as a slightly impatient person, the wait is killing me. But rest assured, I have him with me when I get tested and in that I find peace.

10 comments:

  1. It tore my heart the first time that I learned that my ex bf cheated on me with some guy whom I have already been getting signals something is going on. One may be able to forgive, but not totally forget. Personally, every time he mad me truly upset, I felt like getting back at him the same way that he hurt me. What I am trying to say is that in every relationship, TRUST is the very foundation. Weaken that foundation and your days will always be clouded by doubt and fear and no such existence will ever be truly peaceful.

    I still get tempted every now and then but I am proud to say that I never gave in to it. I always ask myself, "will it be worth it?".

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    1. It‘s worth it, Seth. I assure you. Honestly, before, I was afraid of growing old alone because I‘m gay. I know I still have friends and family but there‘s nothing more than having someone to grow old with you. If being faithful and ignoring all the sexy opportunities around the corner the price for a dream of having someone with you until the peak of my life, then I‘m more than willing to pay.

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  2. naku ah! don't make the same mistakes again.

    Anyway, about the test. if it's for HIV test i'm pretty sure it will be negative. recently lang nangyari eh. you should have another test after 6 months kasi usually nagne-negative siya then after several months siya lumalabas. we call it windowing.. I mean sa medical field. Ayun lang.

    Im just concerned. why are so bothered and worried na baka you might get it? may singaw ka ba nung time na nag bj ka? curious lang :)

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    1. I‘ll try my best not to make the same mistakes. It‘s true that it‘s easier to run away from temptation than to fight it.

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    2. Oh, I‘m aware of the window period. I‘m just frustrated with the wait. hahaha. ;)

      Waka naman ako singaw and di naman nagbled ang gums ko during that time. Paranoid lang ata ako. Hahaha!

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    3. You have to control that paranoid-ism (if there's such a thing) baka kainin ka ng buong buo :)

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    4. Btw, why you don't have follow button?

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    5. Haha. Natatawa nga ako. Si bf nafrustrate sa pagiging paranoid ko. Katawa itsura nya nun.

      How to add it on my blog? Sorry. Haven‘t explored the available gadgets yet.

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    6. Layout - add gadget- followers

      :)

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    7. Hi, Nomad! Sorry it took a while. I've added the gadget. :)

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