Sunday, July 28, 2013

My little brother is a little sister all along

I've always been regarded as the effeminate one in the family. I admit, I may not be as manly as my cousins but I don't cross-dress. Those two are different things. Anyway, because of it, I was the subject of ridicule in the family when I was a kid until I gained a degree of masculinity as I reached adulthood. I may be in the closet from my family but I know that they knew. They're just waiting for me to confirm it. 

As days became months and months became years, I realized that I was not the only one in the closet. My brother is there as well! My little brother. My sweet innocent little brother. I knew from the very start when we were kids that we were kindred spirits but it was not a big of a deal for me that's why I brushed the issue aside. But recent events have pushed me to decide that I have to talk to him regarding with his preference. Not because of his preference but rather because of his actions.

It all started when my mother brought a laptop for herself and for my brother. I have a laptop at home but my mother and brother brought one because I usually bring mine to school. The laptop didn't have any user account so files were not segregated by user. I used their laptop before when mine was having problems due to overuse. Being in the IT field, I know my way around the computer and found out something startling: gay porn torrents! Whoa. I was shocked. Immediately I thought of my brother and everything was confirmed right there and then. It may not be from his lips but those torrents were enough evidence for me to make a conclusion. I checked the history of the laptop's browser and I saw the torrent sites. I looked around the hard drive, trying to search the videos, but to no avail. I did find some videos of a man flexing his muscles but with a round tummy. The search history also included keywords like "muscled guy with tummy". Whoa. Shocker. What a fetish!

The second incident was when I opened his Facebook account. Sorry, it was an accident. His account was left logged in and I can't help but snoop around just to check his messages. There was this one guy he kept in touch with and judging from their thread, my brother has a crush on him.


The last incident that finally pushed me to decide to talk to him is when we brought a tablet for the whole family. My brother and my 9 yr. old sister are the ones who usually use the tablet at home. It's more convenient and energy efficient than opening a laptop when we're just browsing the internet When I used the table to use Google search, the browser gave me the following search suggestions based on history: taylor lautner abs, taylor lautner height, joseph marco height, luis manzano height and many more! Oh my! We have the same type. Haha. Team Jacob! But that's not all! One time, I opened the browser and the very website opened was a gay porn site with all the graphic pictures to display! Whoa! I got worried since my sister also uses the tablet and she might have seen it. Her eyes are too young for those!

Because of these, we have to have "the talk". The problem is I'm not prepared! I hope my brother has been safe all along. I don't want him to venture without weighing the possible consequences of his actions! I grew up without a guide regarding with my sexuality since I don't have gay classmates and friends. I don't want this to happen to my brother as well.


Am I in the position to talk to him? Ugh. I'm so confused. First of all, we need to establish rules when using electronic devices. These gadgets are shared with my sister and mother. Maybe it's time for me to give him one of his own. I also believe I should guide him to making the right choices. Maybe I should come out to him. But I'm also not prepared for that.

Oh my. This is interesting. Suddenly, I realized a dilemma. You see, in our whole family in our father side, there's only three of us to carry on the surname. The only three in the WHOLE lot. My cousin is straight so that leaves the two of us to see who comes out first. If one of us came out first, the other one left will be having a hard time and our parents may be more devastated and may not easily accept the fact that two of their sons are gays. Noooo.


On the other hand, my 9 yr. old sister may be a budding lesbian. She's very boyish though I know for a fact that this is not a reliable indicator. Whatever. Haha. If she turned out to be a lesbian then there goes my parents' wishes to have grand children.

Watta family. Watta set of siblings. I can't help but look at the situation in a humorous light. I feel like I'm in a race against my brother. On the other hand, maybe both of us will choose to stay in the closet from our family. The closet is big enough for the both of us. :)

15 comments:

  1. hehehe I don't think you really need to confront him about his sexual preference, yet. I suggest, you teach him instead on how to be a responsible user so that he wouldn't be leaving traces of his activity. Worst case scenario would be that your parents unexpectedly saw the gay content and confronts BOTH OF YOU.

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    1. I haven‘t even started yet with the hard and tangible evidence. I even took the blame for one. Anyway, thanks for your advice. :)

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    3. @Seth: It will all lead to coming out though. If he teach him to be responsible in using those gadgets it will all boil down into explaining how he finds out di ba?

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    4. There are bigger that's happening other than yours and his orientation.

      Sorry putul-putol ang comment pabugso bugso ang dating ng wisdom sa utak ko eh. Hahaha!

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  2. The thing is, wherever the conversation leads you, you just have to assure your brother that you love him and that you accept whatever he is. That sexual orientation is not a big deal that what's more important is.. your sister should not see those things. Try not to make his orientation a big deal ;)

    And oh! don't think about how or who will carry on your surname to the next generation because that surely is ridiculous to worry about isn't it? :)

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    1. Hi Nomad. Thanks! I brushed the sexuality aside and what I was worried about is him leaving a trail to our closet. I‘m not ready for that, he‘s not ready for that and if we eventually come out, it will need subtlety. I‘m also worried he might do things he will regret later on that‘s why I want to talk to him.

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    2. As for the surname part, it‘s kind of important in our family since the lineage of the name is dangerously about to be cut off. I guess to each his own. :)

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    3. Yeah. to each his own. I really don't know din naman were raised by our parents differently. Suggestion lang naman since you blogged about it and the comment is open :)

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    4. No worries, Nomad. Your comment is highly appreciated. It feels nice to have a conversation in which ideas from both parties are free flowing. :)

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  3. I know someone who is in the same situation. He also has 2 younger siblings, a boy and a girl. His brother is also gay and his sister is a lesbian. The only difference is that they are all out of the closet. Imagine my surprise and amazement; I wonder what went on in their parents' mind when they came out. Truly a unique family. ;)

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    1. I really hope we get to reach that level of comfort. Thanks Geosef for dropping by. :)

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  4. Kausapin mo siya. Pero hindi yung directly na sasabihin mo kung ano yung nakita mo. Hayaan mo siyang umamin sa iyo. Turuan mo rin siyang mag clear ng history at mag log out. Saka gumawa ng sariling account sa computer. :)

    Dapat hindi mabigat ang usapan niyo. Kasi baka maging hindi na siya komportable sayo. Ipaalam mo sa kanya ang tinatawag nating responsible internet user. :)

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  5. Sensitivity plays a vital role in talks that are too taboo and too fragile even for both of you.

    But learning from each other after that will definitely open a whole new level of understanding.

    I await that day...

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    1. Thanks for the visit.

      From the tone of your comment, are we in the same boat?

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