Monday, July 22, 2013

Lost

I grew  up in a religous Catholic family. My father was an ex-seminarian. Both of my parents met in a Catholic school where they worked. My godparents are all ex-seminarian. I was enrolled in a Catholic school. I led the Lectors and Commentators Ministry. I led the Knights of the Altar even though I'm not a member (I was given the responsibility to lead despite of my inexperience). I was leading a religous life in the eyes of many. I was the good boy.

Then came college. I started to realize things. I started to view things differently. I started to use my head. I don't know if I was considered enlightened but I did feel that the things I have believed in may not be as it seem. I did feel that there was something wrong with my belief. That my ideals were becoming increasingly different from the faith I grew up to. I became an Atheist. I didn't believe in God. I started to put my faith on my own logic and reasoning. There are so many things inconsistent with the teachings I was exposed to that I started to question these teachings. There are things inconsistent with what I see and with what I have read from the Bible. Things I tried to comprehend to the best of my abilities but in the end I got confused.

Ideas started to form in my head. A friend saw my confusion and invited me to her Church. She was a born-again Christian. I gladly accepted her invitation hoping I would find answers. I conformed to its teachings. I absorbed its beliefs. I was baptized. But where did it get me? Still along the road of confusion. At first, I thought I had the answers to my questions but as cliche as it may sound, the answers opened questions that no one MAY be able to answer. I fell back. I became unsure.

Was this journey of finding my personal faith worth the trouble? I've always wondered how come I ended up like this. I realized that my sexual orientation has fueled this journey. I wanted answers. What happened? How come God let me be the very creature He has despised? I've also tried to seek the answers using scientific reasoning but due to my religous upbringing, I can't help myself and seek explanations the Bible offers.

I have always despised myself. I've hated myself. If only I could have chosen, I would have chosen otherwise. I've viewed myself as an abomination. A creation of the devil. Someone who sins because of love. A love that others have viewed as lust, an addiction. I've been persecuted by others, by God, and by myself.

Where do I stand? What do I believe in? I desperately want answers. I desperately want light. I want to find peace with who I am and what I believe in. I don't want to be a lost sheep anymore. I want to be found. I have cried out for help to whoever is up there looking at us, watching the move that He may have mandated or premeditated.

I've always envied others who have faith and at the same time are comfortable with their orientation. I envied Corporate Closet and his acceptance of his faith. I envied Raymond Alikpala, the author of God Loves Bakla, and his journey towards finding Him and himself. I envied my partner and his relationship with his God. I've reviewed my relationship with God. There is much change. The connection may have thinned but there is still a connection nonetheless. A thin connection I cling to.

How should I end this blog post? I don't know. I guess that's how I should end it because in reality, I have no idea where I'm going to in the area of faith. I'm still lost.


6 comments:

  1. thank you for sharing this ang dami ko tuloy na isip. gagawa ng lang ako ng blog entry dami ko naisip dahil sa post mo na to at share ko na din personal experiences baka makatulong sa iba.

    basta eto lang tandaan mo at pag isipan mo ng mabuti.

    "Religion is communal, faith is personal"

    it make no sense right now but someday maiintindihan mo din yan.

    btw, still no follow button? di ko tuloy malalaman kung may bago kang post.

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  2. Thanks, Nomad! I‘m glad I‘ve titillated you intellectually.

    Sorry. Sa comp shop lang ako nagupdate ng blog. Will do it over the weekend. :)

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  3. Hello FSOQ. Firstly, thanks for reading the blog. And for backreading, even. That's a lot of backreading.
    Secondly, sorry for having replied to you just now. Been reading your comments. Wanted to reply earlier.
    Thirdly, this post resonates as always. Anything #Catholic and #gay resonates with me. LOL
    The journey is personal, deeply personal. The circumstances behind your growth in our faith are yours alone. But you have a fellow traveler in me, though many years ahead of you. And I am still traveling. As you backread, you would have seen how the faith issue seesaws. And I have to say that the reconciliation has happened quite recently. It took me 4 decades of life to get to that point. And I know it is not over.

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    Replies
    1. Very clever. full of wisdom

      I just wish you have a blog so I can learn more from you

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  4. Oops Pressed publish too soon. But I do hope you could ease up on the self-loathing, although it comes with the territory. This is all too familiar. Because I sincerely know, in my heart, that He loves you, too. I know that because He loves me, too. Which is why I continue to serve at church. I just love giving back to Him through service.
    Ease up on that. Continue the questions and search for answers. I think to Him, it is the journey that matters.

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