I grew up in a religous Catholic family. My father was an ex-seminarian. Both of my parents met in a Catholic school where they worked. My godparents are all ex-seminarian. I was enrolled in a Catholic school. I led the Lectors and Commentators Ministry. I led the Knights of the Altar even though I'm not a member (I was given the responsibility to lead despite of my inexperience). I was leading a religous life in the eyes of many. I was the good boy.
Then came college. I started to realize things. I started to view things differently. I started to use my head. I don't know if I was considered enlightened but I did feel that the things I have believed in may not be as it seem. I did feel that there was something wrong with my belief. That my ideals were becoming increasingly different from the faith I grew up to. I became an Atheist. I didn't believe in God. I started to put my faith on my own logic and reasoning. There are so many things inconsistent with the teachings I was exposed to that I started to question these teachings. There are things inconsistent with what I see and with what I have read from the Bible. Things I tried to comprehend to the best of my abilities but in the end I got confused.
Ideas started to form in my head. A friend saw my confusion and invited me to her Church. She was a born-again Christian. I gladly accepted her invitation hoping I would find answers. I conformed to its teachings. I absorbed its beliefs. I was baptized. But where did it get me? Still along the road of confusion. At first, I thought I had the answers to my questions but as cliche as it may sound, the answers opened questions that no one MAY be able to answer. I fell back. I became unsure.
Was this journey of finding my personal faith worth the trouble? I've always wondered how come I ended up like this. I realized that my sexual orientation has fueled this journey. I wanted answers. What happened? How come God let me be the very creature He has despised? I've also tried to seek the answers using scientific reasoning but due to my religous upbringing, I can't help myself and seek explanations the Bible offers.
I have always despised myself. I've hated myself. If only I could have chosen, I would have chosen otherwise. I've viewed myself as an abomination. A creation of the devil. Someone who sins because of love. A love that others have viewed as lust, an addiction. I've been persecuted by others, by God, and by myself.
Where do I stand? What do I believe in? I desperately want answers. I desperately want light. I want to find peace with who I am and what I believe in. I don't want to be a lost sheep anymore. I want to be found. I have cried out for help to whoever is up there looking at us, watching the move that He may have mandated or premeditated.
I've always envied others who have faith and at the same time are comfortable with their orientation. I envied Corporate Closet and his acceptance of his faith. I envied Raymond Alikpala, the author of God Loves Bakla, and his journey towards finding Him and himself. I envied my partner and his relationship with his God. I've reviewed my relationship with God. There is much change. The connection may have thinned but there is still a connection nonetheless. A thin connection I cling to.
How should I end this blog post? I don't know. I guess that's how I should end it because in reality, I have no idea where I'm going to in the area of faith. I'm still lost.