Friday, August 30, 2013

And it crept in

"Galit ka ba?" he asked in his most innocent tone as I took my clothes. 

"Badtrip ako sayo." I said with a hint of annoyance. I checked my phone.

I sent a message, "Happy birthday sa kuya kong mahal. Mwuah."

I got scared. Statistics kept running through my mind.

Beep. My phone lit. 1 message received.

"Salamat. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko po ang nagiisa kong bunso. Mwuaaaahug," the message read.

The guilt crept in.

Maybe this is a part of me I was not aware of. Maybe my ideals are far from who I am and what I do. Ideals may define a person but it will all boil down to one‘s decision. The sad thing is I‘m not liking this. I‘m an amalgam of both ends of extremes, the other end I have recently discovered and yet to know more.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Under the night sky

Image source:

I and my partner met yesterday night to attend mass in a church situated inside UPLB. It's his favorite church and he enjoys the mass wholeheartedly. I can hear him sing songs to his heart's content and answer the mass diligently and with passion. I was, on the other hand, quiet on the sidelines. My faith not aligned with his. But despite of the difference, I believe I can wait for everything to unravel in the right time regarding this area of our relationship.

The mass ended and we took our usual route towards the UPLB Library, the route less taken by people. The breeze was cold, a drizzle has just ended, and I caught myself shiver. He wrapped his right arm around my shoulder and provided the warmth I needed. His left fingers traveled towards my chest and slowly made its way towards my nipples. He pinched. He has this nipple fetish and he usually plays with my nipple every time we meet. Good thing I enjoy nipple plays but we do this usually with our clothes on hahaha! He pinched lightly at first until it became harder. He then removed his fingers when we were out in the open and planted his lips on my cheek. I blushed.

We walked around the campus after realizing that the library was too creepy at that late of the night. We walked around the oval. 

"You need to walk," I told him.

"Haha. Lately nga parang pakiramdam ko ang bigat na dalhin ng katawan ko," he said and he flashed his unbelievably attractive smile.

"Di naman ako tumitingin sa appearances. I'm just worried about your health. You're getting old you know. You may look younger but..." I trailed off.

"Malapit na nga ako mag-thirty three."

"You need to be healthy. Especially at your age," I worried.

And our conversation turned to our experiences when we were younger. If aroma beads do multiply or reproduce. What games we used to play when we were kids. Holen. Sipa. Teks. Pogs.

"I'm planning to create a blog. But I'm not the only one who will contribute to it. I'll ask some friends of mine to contribute in it as well. If the blog will all be about me, it might get boring," he said.

"Tanda mo pa ba blog ko?" I asked him.

"Hmmmm. Queer... Queer?" he tried to remember.

"I'm not going to ask for your blog." 

"Why not?"

"I'm not prepared to read whatever you will write. There might be some things I'm not prepared of. What are you going to write by the way?"

"Experiences. Mine. My friends'. I forgot to tell you a story when I was in highschool."

"What story?" I asked. Curiosity piqued.

"There was this time when I was in high school, I went to Lucena for an activity in our parish youth. I got off from the bus and I noticed this guy who got off from the same bus. We happened to be in the same jeep as well and we seated beside the driver." 

"Was the guy cute? How old was he?"

"He was in college. Anyway, I felt his hand slipped between us and his fingers resting on my thigh. In response, my hand slipped between us as well and we held hands."

"Ang sweet nyo naman." I said. A hint of jealousy.

"O, baka nagiisip ka nanaman ng kung ano."

"So, what did you talk about?"

"None. He did ask what school did I go too and I gladly returned the question. That was what we only talked about during the trip. The trip lasted for about fifteen minutes. I can still remember the subdivision where he dropped himself off."

"Wow, buti ka pa nakaexperience nyan. Ako waley na waley talaga." I told him.

"Well, those were during my days. These days, guys are more open. Less mysterious."

"Did you meet him after that?"

"No. That was the first and last time we met." he said.

"I wonder what happened to him. Does he have kids? He's at least thirty-five years old by now." I wondered.

"I don't know." 

"Life does play you in an interesting manner right? You can't help but wonder what happened to the people who made a mark and disappeared out of your life. And little experiences such as that..." I said.

I looked at him. I looked at the guy with me. He's a catch. He's cute. He looks like Yael given the right hair style. He's not difficult to love.

I'm blessed.

Under the light of the lamp, I stopped. I looked at my back, two university students were there at the building behind us. There's a practice for a recital I believed.

He went closer.

"Sige nga, kiss mo ako," I dared him. "Let's see if you wouldn't care seeing us in public. Haha. Baka mamaya mapalagay pa tayo sa Overheard in UP Facebook page."

He smiled. He went closer. Our noses about to touch when I averted my face.


"Haha. May CCTV camera dun o. Baka mamaya ma-PDA pa tayo," he pointed towards the CCTV camera at the top of the lamp post.

We walked. I wrapped my arm over his waist as he placed his over my shoulders. Do I deserve this guy? This guy who has invested so much in the relationship? This guy who said will love me and care for me?

"I love you." I murmured.

"I love you too." He whispered. Our eyes looking at each other's.

I may have cheated before. That time when I thought I found a friend. He was devastated. He was disappointed. He was hurt. He cried.

But there he was. Beside me. Smiling. Despite of the distance, he makes it to a point to see me weekly. Despite of more than twelve hours travel time. Despite of the travel expenses. Despite of everything, there he was with me.

I might have hurt him yet he never got tired loving me.

"Pano kita di bibitawan kung ikaw na mismo ang bumibitaw sakin?" he said. Crying. Back when I told him what has happened.

But still, there we were, arms wrapped around each other.

I've read before, when handling a relationship, always deal with the relationship in a daily basis. Never look further than what you can see. Handling it on a daily basis, you'll be surprised how much you have been through.

Deal with the relationship at a time. I looked at his eyes.

The night bugs played their song and he planted a kiss on my cheek once again. 

I can't help but see forever.

Queer Quickie: Youtube Crush no. 1

My heart flutters and my stomach seems to have butterflies every time I watch him. I'm having a fantasy he's serenading me with this song. :)

Heart melts. And that beard! :)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

I'm in Heat: The Experiment

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I'm not just a virgin sexually. I'm also a virgin when it comes to the whole culture of homosexuality. I've never been in gay pride marches. I've never been in those seedy spas. I've never tried cross-dressing. I've never watched gay pageants. The list could go on. I've always contented myself with the stories I read here in blogger and I am usually at awe with what I read. Sometimes, I wonder how come I never experienced those. Maybe because I don't have any gay friends since elementary. I only had one other gay classmate in high school and he's mad at me before and I have no idea why. There's this also one upper classman in high school who's also mad at me and spread nasty things about me and once again I have no idea why. Maybe this deserves another blog post.

Anyway, one of the stories I've read before is how gays communicate in public to show their interest in their "prospect". There's these hand signals to signal that you're a top or a bottom. When you catch the eye of your prospect and you're definitely sure he's interested, you have to scratch your forehead if you're a top, otherwise, scratch your chin. I don't know what to scratch if you're a versa though. I'm not sure if this is true. Another signal, to know whether or not a guy in the streets is interested in you, try to catch his eye. When you pass each other, try to look back at him after a few steps and check if he looks back. If he looks back, stop walking. Try to see if he'll walk towards you.

I've read countless of stories about the eye contact signal. I can't help but want to try it myself. They say that the easiest prospects are those you think who follow you on the streets. I've experienced this before in my neighborhood in Makati. I was followed before by a guy in boxer shorts and a sando. Gaaaah. I was really nervous. I assumed he was a holdaper so I put some speed into my pace. We went in circles until I got tired and gave up and went straight to my apartment. This has happened twice with the same guy and a few more times with other strangers. I always assumed that they were holdapers or thieves because I really thought I don't look that interesting. For the background story for this, click here.

One day, I finally decided, what the heck. Let's see if this eye contact signal is true and how far does this go. 

Yesterday night, I went out of the office later than usual so I was in a hurry to get home and get ready for gym. It was not rush hour but there are more people than usual. My workplace is just near where I live so I usually walk towards home. I was reading blogs through my phone and I actually almost tripped because of it. When I got home, I hurriedly changed into my gym attire. The gym where I go is also of walking distance, it would take me about fifteen minutes to get there by foot. While I walked, I was reading some blogs through my phone so I was not that aware of my surroundings. When I realized I was about to trip again, I looked up and saw this tall dark guy looking at me while walking.

Quick thinking: Ah, subject acquired?

He walked past by me.

Okay, FSOQ. Look over your shoulder after a few steps.

I looked over my shoulder and caught him looking back at me. Oh my. I got nervous. I walked faster and I could feel my feet cold as ice out of nervousness. I might not be able to handle the situation I got myself into. I looked over my shoulder once again and I saw him following me.

Target definitely acquired but FSOQ, are  you sure of what you are doing?

I looked over my shoulder from time to time and I could see him still following me. I got chills. I texted my partner to get some assurance everything will be okay. I slowed down my pace to see what will happen. I eventually stopped walking and stood for a while staring off space until he actually came in front of me and introduced himself.

"Hi, I'm [insert name here]." he said.

"Oh, hello."

"Nagbubuhat ka?" he asked with not a hint of interest.

"Yep. Dito lang sa may area."

"Ah nagbubuhat din ako rati. Dun sa may... Kaso tinamad na rin ako," he told me.

"Ah, ganun po ba. Ayoko po dun. Mas malinis po roon sa pinagbubuhatan ko." I replied. I was about to wet my shorts by this time.

"Ang sarap mo naman," he said suddenly.

I blinked. I was caught by surprise. Was he talking to me? He looked at me from head to toe. I mustered all my strength not to pee all over my shorts and embarrass myself. 

"O, bakit ka nganginginig dyn?"

Was I that obvious?

"Um, sorry first time ko po gawin ito," I said. Stupid move, FSOQ! You gave yourself away. 

"You mean, virgin ka pa? Di ka pa sanay?" Whoa. Whoa. 

"Gusto mo ba, punta ka sa place ko?"

"Baka may sakit ka." I said bluntly.

"Wala. Accountant ako. Every year may test kami." I never knew that accountants are immune to HIV/STDs.

"Ayoko. Gusto ko kwentuhan lang. Baka may sakit ka." I think I'm having HIV paranoia. This is getting unhealthy too.

"Nakakadalawa ka na ha. Ok. Edi sige kwentuhan lang. Dun tayo sa place ko. Mga 11pm. Para wala masyado tao sa compound."

I fell silent. Thinking. Brain, why are you not working? We were talking about random things for about five minutes.

"Sige, magbubuhat pa ako." I said suddenly.

"Ah, magbubuhat ka pa lang ba? Nakakahiya naman sayo. Naabala pa kita. Magdidinner palang ako. Ano number mo?"

I gave my number. I slowly walked away. I felt his arms around my shoulder and he said, "Magiging masarap kwentuhan natin."

My pace gained speed. I was almost running. What has gotten into me? Whoa. I was caught off guard. I was about to cry. I needed to pee. Cold water was flushed all over my body. Suddenly, I felt like I left my insides where we talked. I felt this sudden urge to puke.

But there was this rush. This adrenaline rush I couldn't explain.

I arrived at the gym still nervous. I caught a boy at the mirror looking at me.

The inner child. A disappointed look etched all over his face.

My phone vibrated. I realized I shouldn't have given my number. 

"Pwede ka ba pumunta sa house now?"

The boy in the mirror looked at me. Worried.

"Sorry, I was just in heat." I told the boy. I prepared the equipment. I can feel the eyes of the boy drilling at me. I placed the weights on the bar resting on the squat rack. I looked at the mirror. Positioned myself. I lifted the bar on my back.

And the boy turned into the man I know very well and I watched him as we did our squats.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Blog plug - Cupcakes

Hi, I would like to plug the blog of my friend, the one I‘ve mentioned in my previous post. If you like to read more about his creative thoughts, follow this: Thanks! :)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Shakened beliefs: Marriage and devout relationships

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I never had that kind of conversation before. 

I went to meet this friend and I can't believe how vastly differing our beliefs are. He doesn't believe in marriage. He believes in a God but he also believes everyone is going to heaven. He doesn't believe that every relationship should be monandrous (single and devout male partnership). He believes in communism. He believes in a lot of things that are perceived waaaaay out of the norms of society. But what struck me the most are his views on partnership.

First, he doesn't believe in marriage because he believes that marriage is already a failing institution that led to the legalization of divorce in most countries. He believes that marriage is an institution that forces the partner to be tied down with another person despite of the complications the relationship is already under. He also said that marriage was invented way before to promote procreation back when humans are underpopulated. Since there is no need to populate further because of overpopulation, what is the use of marriage? For him, it's just a ceremony. He also pointed out how he believes that the benefits of marriage should be abolished such as reduction of taxes since these benefits also promote procreation. Taxes should be equal.

Second, he believes not everyone is wired to be monandrous. He stated that some animals are designed to have multiple partners and not designed to fully commit to an individual in the long run. As humans are also classified as animals, we are not exempted from this. 

Third, he doesn't believe in marriage equality since he doesn't believe in marriage in the first place. But based from his answers, gays are not required to get married to enjoy the rights straight couples are entitled to. He believes that there are legal actions that are readily available to gays in order to enjoy the benefits some of us have been fighting for. 

He believes that he can love without legally recognizing his relationship.

If only you were in my place, you would have been swept off your feet if you didn't digest his beliefs carefully. He presented everything in a convincing manner and he admitted that it is his job to shake the beliefs of those he talks to.

Anyway, I still believe in marriage despite of his points. I believe that it is not just a ceremony and I also believe it's sweeter for your relationship to be legally recognized. I also place my confidence on the fact that without marriage, population is less controlled contrary to his reasoning. If there is no marriage, one could just create a kid with different women without feeling the need to commit. I would also like to point out that if the man cannot commit into the relationship, why enter in it in the first place? Isn’t marriage about vows as well? Promises? Yes, I do understand why other couples go through divorce but what I don't understand is entering in a life-binding contract then getting out of it without any good reason and that reason is supposedly because your brain is not wired to be faithful. If you knew this from the start, why commit at all? As for the tax reduction, it is needed to promote the well-being of the child. That and period.

I would like to tackle his third point before the second, given that I believe in marriage, I believe in marriage equality. Yes, there are legal actions gay couples could take in order to gain the rights straight couples have but there really is something with everyone legally recognizing your marriage. It makes you feel that the relationship is normal. Accepted.

As for his point in monandrous relationships, I don't know what to say. My ideal relationship is monandrous, but given the situation, I can't help but see things in a different light after our conversation. Am I one of those whose brain is wired for monandrous relationship? How about my partner's?

But then again, my faith is placed on the fact that one must not associate social behavior with genetics.

I also conclude: my friend failed to account emotions into the equation. He admitted this. He classified himself as unromatic. It showed. I can't pity him because he's comfortable with it but I also believe that what doesn't work for him shouldn't be pushed for what works for us. I'm an activist but I fight for my rights, but as for him, he's not fighting for any right nor he is fighting for the betterment of life. He is fighting for the abolishment of what is not working for him and for others but not for everyone and I personally don't see the logic in that.

Why? Don’t we have successful relationships to look up to? Is a successful relationship that hard to find.

Dear friend, I still have a lot to learn from you but please do open yourself to the fact that relationships are tailor fitted. What may work for us may not work for you. 

Side note: Sorry for the lazy post. I think I could have written this better. Sleepy. Definitely sleepy. But I have to get this out of my mind.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Vanity or Conscious?

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I have never seen myself as attractive. I have always envied those who I perceived as physically perfect. I get dismayed whenever I look at the mirror and see the imperfections I always despise. I always ask my friends whether or not I‘m ugly and they usually answer no and they bring up the encouragements I badly needed. Despite of the encouragements, my views on my image has not changed a bit as I have always iterated in my blog and in my comments how conscious I am of my looks. Some of you might have been annoyed by that already. If you are one of them, I apologize and stop reading further.

Anyway, my friends used to tell me that I‘m so vain. You will never catch me without these things in my bag: powder, baby cologne, mirror, oil clear sheets, powdered paper, and umbrella to block the rays. I also have a strict skin regime: cleansing, toner, something for the bags under the eyes, moisturize, and sun block and I always make it to a point not to miss applying these products on my skin. I‘m always on a conquest of finding the right hair cut but the hair dresser never seemed to like me. I get annoyed when I see myself at the mirror oily and not presentable. It puts me off.

I have tried my best to battle the physical imperfections I see in myself. I have even resorted to hiding it but I realized that hiding the problem never fixes it so instead I use products deemed as solutions to blemishes. Sometimes, the battle is tiring. Whenever I see a new pimple I get dismayed. I don‘t have a lot, sometimes people say they‘re not noticeable, but still they‘re noticeable to me. And whenever a pimple emerges, I see defeat. That all my investments on my skin regime are worthless. 

When times that I am tired of how I see myself gets the better of me, I can‘t help but blame my relatives. They have always told me I‘m ugly and they had no qualms of telling it outright publicly. Everytime that I tell them that they were the only ones who tell me that, they always reason out that they‘re the only ones who can be brutally honest. Even on my bday, they‘ll tell me they want to see the bday boy and after greeting them they would say, “Ang pangit mo na.“ I can‘t help but be depressed because they keep on telling me I‘m unattractive. Their standards are too high and I can‘t reach it. My cousins are always seen as beauty and brains while I‘m always seen as the effeminate one of the family that sticks out of the lot because of how I look. My cousins get the praise. I‘m left on the sidelines. I can‘t help but envy my cousins. And I can‘t help but be angry because of the situation I was put in. A situation of never ending self hate.

That‘s what separates me from those who are genuinely vain. That‘s what I answer whenever I was told I‘m vain. I‘m not vain. Vanity is all about self love. Excessive self love. I would like to see myself as conscious.

Because I don‘t appreciate myself physically. I only have hate.

And I want to end it.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Bro lines at the Gym

I've been in the gym for few months now. It all started when I decided that I should not only take care of myself intellectually and spiritually but as well the body itself. Okay, when I was looking for a gym, I decided to enroll in a home gym instead. These are the gyms that cost you only 50php per session if you're not a member or cheaper when you pay monthly. It saved me a lot of money though I can't help but wonder about the stories I've heard in gyms like Fitness First where buffed gay guys seem to flock. I've heard of a story in a forum that there was this old guy who kind of molested a student he thought was a PLU. Brrrrrr. I'm not sure what happened to the old guy but the student reported him to the admin. I can't help but be curious of what happens there but I don't think I can handle a situation like that. This pushed me further in enrolling in a home gym.

The downside is, all the members in the gym I'm in seem straight. I go at the gym during the early mornings before and I think the group of people I was with are as straight as a ruler. I think I'm the only gay guy there. I tried to catch their eyes but they all seem uninterested. Maybe I'm not just their type. But they don't even look at each other and their interactions look very straight. I was disappointed because there was this one guy I'm interested in. He's really cute. The way his glasses fit his nose. Very geeky yet very hot. His body is very proportional. I can't forget the time he actually talked to me asking the program I was doing that day. Though the conversation ended prematurely. We never saw each other again in the gym.

Anyway, due to schedule constraints, I need to go to the gym during the evenings instead and this led to hearing some conversations that are really funny and don't seem straight. I've heard of three Bro lines, as I call it, so far:

  1. "Pare anlake na ng biceps mo ah." Sabay pisil sa biceps ng kasama.
  2. "Tol, lumalaki na dede mo ah." Talagang dede ang term? Di pwedeng chest? Sabay turo sa dibdib ng kasama.
  3. At eto ang pinakanaloka ako. Dahil sinabi ito sakin ng isa roon. "Bro, patira naman." At sabay tinira ako.... Jowk! How I wish! At sabay tumira na sya sa equipment na ginagamit ko that time.
I can't help but laugh when I heard those lines. I had this feeling I'm going to enjoy the gym in the evenings. 

And one more, gym crush was there! Looks like he also lifts with the evening flock. Ah. His image of him doing deadlifts while his glasses drooping at one side. Heavenly.

Now, I really am motivated to be healthy. :)

Side note: I've been lifting for like 8 months I think and I'm nowhere near my goal. It's getting frustrating. Good thing gym crush inspires me to lift. Hahah! :)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

There's a power in your words

No words can ever describe how much I am hurt reading the comments above in a yahoo article. For the link, click here.

I feel remorse whenever I hear news about suicide because of gay bashing. They had so much life to live.

I pity kids who are still on the budding stage of acknowledging their sexuality. The world is not safe for them. It's not safe for us.

I am sad for the couples who want their relationship to be fully recognized by the state but can't. They are the perfect examples that love do exist for gays but yet they are still seen as lust.

I feel bad for those who are persecuted because of sexual orientation. They don't deserve the hate. No one does.

I pity those who have been deprived of the needs, promotions, or entitlement because they're gay. They deserve those based on their performance and because they're humans as well.

Sometimes, with people like those who are like the above picture, I feel like I have to go back in the closet. Maybe it's time to accept that people like us can't be accepted.  I want to fight a good fight, but...

And it's ironic to use God to justify killing and bashing gays.

I have so many things to say. I have deep emotions to express. I have scientific evidences I want to teach.

But words are not enough in this context if they refuse to listen.

Is this fight worth fighting at all?

PS: I saw fellow bloggers following me on my personal Twitter account. Thanks for following! I forgot if I posted my twitter account here though.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Fifty Shades of ABCs

Came across this ABC questionnaire from different blogs. I know, the trend has already fizzled but that doesn't stop me to join in the fun. :)

A. Attached or Single?

Attached. Hehe.

B. Bestfriends

Namely: Darren, Joyce, Arlo, Talyn, Jonna, Shiela, Lea, and Riss. Though, these names won't mean anything to you so that's kind of a waste. Haha.

C. Cake or Pie

Pie! Paborito ko po ang egg pie. Sobra. 

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D. Day of Choice


E. Essential Items

Phone, face powder, oil control sheets, baby cologne, wet tissues, at payong.

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F. Favorite Color

A tie between green and yellow. Violet seems to be getting my attention as well.

G. Gummibears or Worms

None. Di po ako mahilig sa malalambot na bagay! Hahah! Naweiweirdo-han lang ako kapag kumakain ako ng ganun. 

H. Hometown


I. Indulgence.

Chocolates, egg pie, buko shake, at ginataang hipon.

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J. January or July


K. Kids

I really like kids but I don't think the kids like me back. Haha!

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L. Life isn't complete without...

Books! I'm a self professed bibliophile and sapiosexual.

M. Marriage date.

In the future. I hope.

N. Number of brothers and sisters

I have one brother who I suspect to be in the closet as well and a sister who might become a lesbian.

O. Orange or Apples


P. Phobias

Dogs (except those I own) and heights. Feeling ko kapag nasa mataas na lugar ako at tumingin ako sa baba e parang gusto kong tumalon para lang malaman feeling na tumalon sa mataas na lugar. Ang weird no?

Q. Quotes

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R. Reason to smile

Him. Sorry, inlab lang po. 

S. Season of Choice

Rainy days pero ayoko nung tipong babaha na. There's something with water that I love. 

T. Tag 5 People

I have no idea how to tag people in blogger. 

U. Unknown facts about me.

I always see myself as ugly. I don't know. Pero nasanay na kasi akong sinasabihan ng pangit ng mga kamaganak ko though sabi naman ng iba hindi. Haha. Mataas lang siguro standards ng relatives ko.

V. Vegetable

Brocolli! Yum!

W. Worst habit

Magngatngat ng kuko. Pero controlled ko na. 

X. Xray or UltraSound


Y. Your favorite food

Ginataang hipon.

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Z. Zodiac Sign


Friday, August 9, 2013

Top or Bottom

A thread conversation on a blog post  made me wonder how does one know if he is a top or a bottom?

Especially for my case, I haven't tried either. I had this gut feeling that I'm a bottom but I'm always afraid of sticking "it" in. It seems very painful. I also have no idea how to "prepare". Being a bottom seems to be a lot of work.

Sometimes, I feel that maybe I should be a top instead to save me from all the hassle. But whenever I think of the idea, I don't feel aroused. Still, that is not a clear indicator I won't enjoy it right? Or maybe I'm wrong.

Random contemplation.

Side note: Sorry, Geosef for being off topic with that comment. :)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Conversation with the Inner Childhood

Him: I don't know you.
Me: I don't know you either. But you seem familiar.
Him: What happened? What happened to you? Who are those guys? 
Me: I don't know. I guess I've gotten what I have wanted.
Him: Is that what you really wanted?
Me: Yes. I'm tired of being ignored. Now, I get the attention of those I'm attracted to.
Him. You're right. Their attention. But never their affection.
Me: What's the difference?
Him: Attention is short-lived. Affection is beautiful and long lasting. You became naive. You became stupid. I think that's what happened.
Me: How dare you? 
Him: I'm just telling you what I think. Look at you. Take a good look at you. That's not who you are.
Me: You don't know me.
Him: Yes. But we were one before. Remember that time when you were hoping for someone to love you for who you are? Someone who's serious. Someone who deserves the love you are capable of giving.
Me: And I have that.
Him: But you're hurting him right now. You're hurting him with what you are doing. Where's the love you can give? The love that he deserves. 
Me: ...
Him: There was also a time when your happiness is easily achieved. A simple book can make you smile. A simple get-together with friends becomes your safe haven.
Me: ... That was long ago. As needs change, so are reasons of happiness.
Him: And your lips that were reserved for the "one". 
Me: I need to kiss frogs.
Him: Why? 
Me: Because one of them could turn into a prince.
Him: Gosh! Are you that naive? You don't need to kiss frogs. The prince will come. He's actually with you already. To think that he haven't kissed you yet because of how he respects you and your ideals.
Me: I don't know. I don't know myself anymore.
Him: There's still a chance you know. You're already living your dreams. You're a few steps away from achieving further.
Me: ...
Him: FSOQ, it's time to change back. Change is a good thing. But in this case, you really have to change back. Value what you have now. 
Me: When will I change back? I miss you. I really really miss you. I don't want to be in this hellish pit I've dug.
Him: Let me get you out of there then. Slowly yet surely, make the change.

And this is a conversation with a person long forgotten. A conversation that took place yesterday. My birthday. :(

Sunday, August 4, 2013

LDR officially: Week 1

Last week was the first week of being in a long distance relationship. My partner is now based in Tuguegarao for his training. He's now a manager! I'm happy for him. His dreams are now being realized. At the expense of the close proximity of our relationship though.

I've been told that long distance relationships are almost impossible to maintain. This has been in my thoughts the whole week. We're missing out from the benefits of the power of touch. Considering that we're a "touchy" couple, the setup is a torture. I guess for anyone, distance is a torture. I can't also help but think of the married couples who get to ignore the piece of paper that legally binds them due to long distance. What more of us? We don't even have anything to hold on to. I don't have a piece of paper to claim him mine. All I have is faith that he will not cheat and that everything will be okay.

But what about me? Will I be strong enough to resist temptation? I've already learned my lesson. But another temptation has arrived. There's this neighbor who seems to be interested in me. My partner knows him personally, I think. We've talked about him. The neighbor is really cute. Artistahin kumbaga. He even plays the violin! He's financially stable and manages the nursing department of a hospital near home. Then suddenly, this neighbor and I have been exchanging facebook messages that eventually led to exchanging of numbers. I've told everything to partner though. I don't want to hide anything from him. This also gives me the fuel not to do anything foolish. The funny thing is, the neighbor is in a long distance relationship with his Filipino partner in the US yet the neighbor fools around.

If I am tempted, is he as well? Well, I guess it's better to assume yes. But this doesn't mean trust has to fizzle, right?

Many thoughts. Too many possibilities. A challenge. 

Officially in an LDR. Week 1.

I took the time to reflect. We're in a long distance relationship. A relationship nonetheless. Our relationship is based on love and faith not lust. We are here to support each other no matter how far apart we are from each other. I trust him to be faithful and in return I'll do my best to earn his trust. Corny, but I decided to take comfort from the fact that we're still under the same sky and from that the distance did not really feel that far.

Friday night, I received a text. From partner. "Uwi ako. Miss na kita. Mwuah."

I smiled. Everything will be alright. Clear skies ahead.

Epilogue: We're slowly discussing the arrangements of the relationship. Keeping the lines of communication open is a good start.

Take care of your people

Lately, the local government has strictly implemented some policies in order to decongest the roads in Manila and lessen the traffic. Bus vehicles are now banned from accessing selected roads in Manila. This solution was said to have been based from study and cameras were checked to see the results of this policy.

So, what happened? Are roads decongested? Is traffic lessened? Yes, to a certain degree. But is this the right solution? Could the results have been furthered? 

Public commuters are aggravated. That's true. They have to walk a few kilometers to get to the next stop to take a jeepney ride. They had to get another route to get to their destination. They had to take few more rides. These translated to consumed time. The roads may be decongested but the positive effects are only felt by the private commuters. What about the public commuters? The rebuttal of the local government is that the public commuters SHOULD walk just as what foreigners do in other countries. My take on it is that the environment here is different from the countries they are referring to. Walking there is convenient. Another take, now that the concentration of bus vehicles have lessened, are the public commuters lessened? No. So what do they do? Find another means of transportation. Are the available means enough to cater all these? Judging by the comparison of the number of people a bus vs. a jeepney can hold, it seems unlikely. This means there should be an increase of these modes of transportation which would defeat the purpose of lessening the vehicles on the road.

As I have observed, this solution is not well thought of. Honestly, I feel like they've read yahoo comments, took one suggestion and implemented it without any further thought. I've read this suggestion before. I think the local government has read it as well. The bad thing is they're planning to implement this to provincial bus as well. They're planning to build a centralized provincial bus terminals and would be subsidized by the government. Hmm. I'll tackle on this later.

If I would be given the chance to contribute an idea, here's few:

1. Strictly implement bus lanes and stops. The problem with the road is that bus gets to stop anytime for them to load or unload passengers. Because of this, vehicles behind the bus would be affected. By providing and implementing strict compliance to bus lanes and stops, private vehicles are free to overtake those bus who "stopped" by. 

2. Decongest rush hour. You see, congested roads exist because of the presence of commuters. In other countries, they have decongested rush hours by assigning time slots people in different sector should go to work. 

3. Let the government take over the public transportation industry. The reason why bus stops wherever it wants is that drivers and conductors are paid by commission. They need to have more passengers in order to make more money. If they have a stable pay, they need not to break traffic rules which also contributes to the traffic.

These three may have negative effects as well. But in my opinion, they are logical and more peaceful compared to what they have implemented.

On the other hand, I have a hunch that the reason they are planning to implement the centralized provincial bus terminals is to justify the budget they get. Sorry, but the terminals are supposed to be subsidized. Even its operational expenses (not including electricity and water after 6 months of implementation). Getting the budget means they get the chance to "fatten" the budget according to their personal needs. Haiy. I have to commend them on this one. Smart move. Not a good one though.

Take care of your people. In return, they'll take care of you. That's another advice I would like to say given the chance. Please, you are doing public service. Your job is for the people.

Public service yet with personal interests. Haiy. Still, the Philippines have hope. Hope never runs out.