Sunday, August 18, 2013

Vanity or Conscious?



Image source: http://s5.favim.com/orig/54/blue-decor-mirror-vanity-table-Favim.com-529870.jpg


I have never seen myself as attractive. I have always envied those who I perceived as physically perfect. I get dismayed whenever I look at the mirror and see the imperfections I always despise. I always ask my friends whether or not I‘m ugly and they usually answer no and they bring up the encouragements I badly needed. Despite of the encouragements, my views on my image has not changed a bit as I have always iterated in my blog and in my comments how conscious I am of my looks. Some of you might have been annoyed by that already. If you are one of them, I apologize and stop reading further.

Anyway, my friends used to tell me that I‘m so vain. You will never catch me without these things in my bag: powder, baby cologne, mirror, oil clear sheets, powdered paper, and umbrella to block the rays. I also have a strict skin regime: cleansing, toner, something for the bags under the eyes, moisturize, and sun block and I always make it to a point not to miss applying these products on my skin. I‘m always on a conquest of finding the right hair cut but the hair dresser never seemed to like me. I get annoyed when I see myself at the mirror oily and not presentable. It puts me off.

I have tried my best to battle the physical imperfections I see in myself. I have even resorted to hiding it but I realized that hiding the problem never fixes it so instead I use products deemed as solutions to blemishes. Sometimes, the battle is tiring. Whenever I see a new pimple I get dismayed. I don‘t have a lot, sometimes people say they‘re not noticeable, but still they‘re noticeable to me. And whenever a pimple emerges, I see defeat. That all my investments on my skin regime are worthless. 

When times that I am tired of how I see myself gets the better of me, I can‘t help but blame my relatives. They have always told me I‘m ugly and they had no qualms of telling it outright publicly. Everytime that I tell them that they were the only ones who tell me that, they always reason out that they‘re the only ones who can be brutally honest. Even on my bday, they‘ll tell me they want to see the bday boy and after greeting them they would say, “Ang pangit mo na.“ I can‘t help but be depressed because they keep on telling me I‘m unattractive. Their standards are too high and I can‘t reach it. My cousins are always seen as beauty and brains while I‘m always seen as the effeminate one of the family that sticks out of the lot because of how I look. My cousins get the praise. I‘m left on the sidelines. I can‘t help but envy my cousins. And I can‘t help but be angry because of the situation I was put in. A situation of never ending self hate.

That‘s what separates me from those who are genuinely vain. That‘s what I answer whenever I was told I‘m vain. I‘m not vain. Vanity is all about self love. Excessive self love. I would like to see myself as conscious.

Because I don‘t appreciate myself physically. I only have hate.

And I want to end it.

22 comments:

  1. Self image has always been a complex topic. Sometimes the best way is to tell the world to fuck itself and accept yourself for what you are not for what you are not. I know, easier said then done. :)

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  2. Have you seen the Dove commercial? The one with the sketches? :)

    I don't think your relatives are being brutally honest; actually, they are being rudely insensitive.

    Are you going to believe the destructive criticisms more than the constructive? Sometimes, life will be so much better if we only choose to acknowledge the positive things, and to take the bad ones for granted.

    Beauty is only subjective. Learn to love yourself FSOQ, and you will soon gain an unshakable confidence. :3

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    1. Natuwa naman ako sa comment mo, Sepsep. Napangiti ako. Salamat. :)

      Kasesearch ko lang sa youtube nung commercial, whoa. Napaluha ako. Haha.

      Salamat!

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    2. You are welcome. Oh dapat mahaba na ang hair mo ngayun ha? :)

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    3. Haha, medyo lang. Shoulder length muna. :))

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    4. Suklayin mo lang palagi, para straight all the time. K? :3

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    5. Haha, di ako nagsusuklay ng buhok. Ewan ko kung bakit. Siguro gawa ng wavy na siya? Kaya hinahayaan ko na lang.

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  3. maldita talaga ang mga tiyahin na yan. haha
    well i can relate na minsan i dont like what i see infront of the mirror. minsan naman gandang ganda ako sa sarii ko. chos. haha

    pero i guess acceptance is the key to success. i mean the imperfections are there pero kapag natutunan natin silang mahalin din like our best assets, mas marerelax tayo. hehe

    at deadmahin ang mga tao na ang intention ay manakit. madadagdagan lang wrinkles mo. hehe

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  4. Sa mga panahong feeling down ka kasi napapansin mong mas angat ang iba sa kanilang kagandahan o kagwapuhan kumpara sayo, always look on to those who are less fortunate than you naman sa kanilang anyo at abilidad. Ma-realize mo na blessed ka pa rin and you'll end up grateful sa Diyos na pinalad kang maayos ang iyong kalusugan.

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    1. Thanks, Vic. I'll keep that in mind. It's just difficult for me since most of my cousins are deemed beauty and brains. Anyway, I do have some reservations on looking at the misfortunes of others just so that I will feel blessed. I don't know. It doesn't seem right. But still, it is effective in reaching the objective of getting the confidence I need. Thanks! :)

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  6. Aaaaahh! Now I understand deeply and completely. Your experiences with your relatives was the cause of all of this. In return, a pathological defense mechanism was created to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. these mechanisms frequently appear irrational or insane to others. as shown here

    "Anyway, my friends used to tell me that I‘m so vain. You will never catch me without these things in my bag: powder, baby cologne, mirror, oil clear sheets, powdered paper, and umbrella to block the rays. I also have a strict skin regime: cleansing, toner, something for the bags under the eyes, moisturize, and sun block and I always make it to a point not to miss applying these products on my skin. I‘m always on a conquest of finding the right hair cut but the hair dresser never seemed to like me. I get annoyed when I see myself at the mirror oily and not presentable. It puts me off." - Its kinda irrational for me.

    If I am not mistaken (base lang naman to sa knowledge ko) this was an inferiority complex with a lil bit of Obsession.

    Inferiority complex in a way that you felt you're not measuring up to society's standards. In your case... sa relatives mo. So since you felt you do not "fit" and "accepted" by your relatives your action was to be obsessed with facial products. As also exhibited here:

    "I have tried my best to battle the physical imperfections I see in myself. I have even resorted to hiding it but I realized that hiding the problem never fixes it so instead I use products deemed as solutions to blemishes."

    Hindi pa naman siya alarming but when you start being compulsive about the products you use that's when you strat building a personality disorder. Could be narcissism or obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

    For me, ok lang naman na maging vain (but not to the extremes) what matters is hindi rin magbabago yung tingin mo sa kapwa mo. sa ibang tao. What I mean is hindi ka magiging mayabang or hindi mo ite-take advantage yung result ng pain mo sa ibang tao.

    I'm sorry I was interested with your case. I was obsessed! Haha!

    - Mad Scientist ;p

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    1. Haha no need to apologize. We're kindred souls when it comes to interest in the field of Psychology. I'm actually planning to take it as a second course para double degree. Pwedeng masteral na rin. Haha. Layo sa Information Technology noh?

      Anyway, sana nga di pa alarming. Di pa naman ako naghihysterical kapag di ako nakakapagapply ng gamot sa mukha. Slightly bothered lang :)

      At iyan din dahilan kung bakit naadik ako magselfie nuon. Kasi I need positive affirmation na hindi ako ganun.

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    2. Support system is the first cure. Don't worry I'll always make sure you feel (pretty) charot! I'll always make sure you feel appreciated and gwapo and makinis and walang pores and kutis artistahin. Hahahahaha!

      But seriously, I'll make sure you won't feel ugly.

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  7. Wow! Ang daming hanash ni Nomad!
    Eniweis, kakarelate naman ang post na ito. It takes a lot to learn to accept imperfections. Minsan it takes a lifetime. Kaya nga may mga forever maasim na tao eh... Sila 'yung hindi nalampasan ang pagtanggap sa sarili...

    Basta healthy, hindi pabigat, hindi pasaway at hindi tanga - sapat sa sakto 'yun!

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    1. I hope it won't take a lifetime for me. Haha. I don't want to be a sourball. :))

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  8. Hindi lang ikaw ang nakakaramdam ng ganyan sa sarili. Kahit din naman ako. May nga insecurities. Nabasa ko yung isang nagcomment na nauna. Ginagawa ko rin mindset na kahit ano pa man, maswerte pa rin ako. Ang daming tao na hindi na nila iniisip ang itsura dahil maraming bagay sila na mas kailangang unahin. Anyway, hindi ka naman panget neil. Cheer cheer! Wooops!

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