Image source: http://s5.favim.com/orig/54/blue-decor-mirror-vanity-table-Favim.com-529870.jpg
I have never seen myself as attractive. I have always envied those who I perceived as physically perfect. I get dismayed whenever I look at the mirror and see the imperfections I always despise. I always ask my friends whether or not I‘m ugly and they usually answer no and they bring up the encouragements I badly needed. Despite of the encouragements, my views on my image has not changed a bit as I have always iterated in my blog and in my comments how conscious I am of my looks. Some of you might have been annoyed by that already. If you are one of them, I apologize and stop reading further.
Anyway, my friends used to tell me that I‘m so vain. You will never catch me without these things in my bag: powder, baby cologne, mirror, oil clear sheets, powdered paper, and umbrella to block the rays. I also have a strict skin regime: cleansing, toner, something for the bags under the eyes, moisturize, and sun block and I always make it to a point not to miss applying these products on my skin. I‘m always on a conquest of finding the right hair cut but the hair dresser never seemed to like me. I get annoyed when I see myself at the mirror oily and not presentable. It puts me off.
I have tried my best to battle the physical imperfections I see in myself. I have even resorted to hiding it but I realized that hiding the problem never fixes it so instead I use products deemed as solutions to blemishes. Sometimes, the battle is tiring. Whenever I see a new pimple I get dismayed. I don‘t have a lot, sometimes people say they‘re not noticeable, but still they‘re noticeable to me. And whenever a pimple emerges, I see defeat. That all my investments on my skin regime are worthless.
When times that I am tired of how I see myself gets the better of me, I can‘t help but blame my relatives. They have always told me I‘m ugly and they had no qualms of telling it outright publicly. Everytime that I tell them that they were the only ones who tell me that, they always reason out that they‘re the only ones who can be brutally honest. Even on my bday, they‘ll tell me they want to see the bday boy and after greeting them they would say, “Ang pangit mo na.“ I can‘t help but be depressed because they keep on telling me I‘m unattractive. Their standards are too high and I can‘t reach it. My cousins are always seen as beauty and brains while I‘m always seen as the effeminate one of the family that sticks out of the lot because of how I look. My cousins get the praise. I‘m left on the sidelines. I can‘t help but envy my cousins. And I can‘t help but be angry because of the situation I was put in. A situation of never ending self hate.
That‘s what separates me from those who are genuinely vain. That‘s what I answer whenever I was told I‘m vain. I‘m not vain. Vanity is all about self love. Excessive self love. I would like to see myself as conscious.
Because I don‘t appreciate myself physically. I only have hate.
And I want to end it.