Saturday, September 21, 2013

Blaming the bullied victim

NOTE: I decided not to blog my Root Cause Analysis for the meantime. What matters is the lesson learned. Credits to author Jim Benton. I borrowed his format of writing. Sorry for the long post as well. Please bear with me.


September 02, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

Dumb diary, I hate being effeminate. God. I wish I'm more manly. I wish I'm straight. I wish I'm bigger. I'm tired of my classmates teasing me for being feminine. I'm tired of how they laugh at me. I'm tired of their jokes. I'm tired of being their object of ridicule. Yes, I'm tired of everything. I can't wait to get out of elementary and get into high school. I can't wait to graduate. I can't wait to leave this hell hole. I can't wait to forget my classmates. I can't wait to have new friends who will be more accepting of who I was. I can't wait for the respect I rightfully should have.

Anyway, dumb diary. Today, as I ate my recess, I watched my classmates laugh at my group of friends because they saw us as weird group of guys who acts like girls. Obviously, they can't appreciate the beauty inside us. I pity them, dumb diary. They laugh at us when they're actually the ones who should be laughed at for their stupidity and for being insensitive. They should be the ones I should laugh at because I saw how simple minded they are. I should be the one laughing because they're pitiful for being dragged by the winds of "commonness".

Anyway, I'll get the last laugh.

*****

September 15, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

I was watching the lower levels play chinese garter today. Gaaah. I miss that game. Even though I was really not good at it all. But there is a certain grace I feel whenever I jump over that long piece of rubber band. A certain grace that I appreciate. I feel like a fairy jumping tiptoed. I feel beautiful.

*****

September 18, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

I watched soft porn today with my uncle. It was straight porn, dumb diary. I don't even know if I should classify it as porn. It was a movie with story. But there was um a "sexy scene". The guy was actually a dirty old man. Haha. But I felt very weird southwards. I went to the bathroom a few times during the sexy scenes. Um, I was surprised that my bird got so big. It was veiny. It was the first time I saw my bird that big and I felt this pain as if it can grow much longer. I didn't know what to do. I tried to pee but to no avail. I thought my bird was going to fly off my body.

Fortunately, after a few minutes, my bird went limp. 

*****

October 12, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

I had my first fist fight today. It felt good.

It all started when I exclaimed I was thirsty. My mouth was dry and I have already used up all the water in my water bottle. We were doing some seatwork my teacher has assigned for us that day and I didn't want to waste time by getting some water from the drinking fountain. My classmates were already finished with theirs and mine was still half-way through.

"Tara sa cr, painumin kita ng gatas," my seatmate told me while smiling. Our other seatmates overheard and laugh.

"Ha, may gatas ba roon?" I asked. 

More laughter. I felt this sinking feeling that I should be offended. I ignored them.

"Halika na kasi. Masarap yung gatas dun. Ako pa magbibigay sayo," my seatmate urged.

Our seatmates by this time were laughing harder. I ignored them once again and concentrated on the task at hand. When I finished my work, I fell in line to get my work checked by our teacher. A classmate went in line as well and positioned behind my back. Way too close. As in waaaay close. I could feel his dick pressing against me.

"Bakit ayaw mo ng gatas nung dun sa katabi mo?" he snickered.

Snap. Everything went black. I found myself punching him. He punched back. He was a better fighter but I cared nonetheless. All mattered was I'm tired of them laughing at me. Whatever that "gatas" meant, it must have meant something funny. Something to disrespect me. I sooo needed to get my fist on his face.

We were subdued by our classmates and our teacher. 

"FSOQ, you should see me later or tomorrow at the faculty."

I looked at my classmate. Few bruises and scrapes. Maybe none at all. It seems that he made more damage than I did. 

But fighting back felt good.

I looked at my seatmate. He was surprised with what happened. He was the one who started it all anyway. I missed him. I missed my bestfriend. What happened between us?

*****

October 13, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

"Bakit ba kasi di mo tigasan ang kilos mo? Napagtritripan ka tuloy ng classmates mo." 

I was dumbfounded. My jaw dropped. Am I the one being blamed here?

"Ma'am, e siya naman po ang nagsimula e," I reasoned out.

"E, kung magpakalalaki ka kaya,"

"Ma'am, lalaki naman po ako."

"E, bakit lalambot lambot ang kilos mo, ha?" she asked. There was a slight concern from her face.

I was the victim. I was the one being bullied. But there I was in the faculty office feeling like I was the one being interrogated. As if they were the victims. I was the one bullied, wasn't I? I was the one who was hurt more physically and emotionally scarred.

"Magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi ng di ka na asarin ng classmates mo. You brought this on yourself. Should I inform your parents with what happened?"

I fell silent.

I'm always defeated.

I went out of the faculty and I saw the small smirk on the guys' faces as I entered the room. My fist clenched, dumb diary.

*****


April 28, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

Good bye, hellish pit hole! I'm leaving you! Proud graduate.

*****

May 14, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

My mother enrolled me in the highschool department of my previous school. Memories are still fresh I can't take.

Anyway, still looking forward to high school.


*****

June 10, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

Got into the pilot section (cream of the crop section) of our year level. Yay! I'm sure most of my classmates are educated. Can't wait to start the school year.

*****

September 2, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

I want to die. I feel like I'm in hell again. 

Why is it happening to me again? Why am I being bullied again? What did I ever do to them for me to be picked on every f****** single time? 

I'll never forget what happened today. It will be forever etched in my mind, dumb diary. I can't help these tears flowing. It's time for me to cry. I'm tired of holding my tears back. Let me cry, dumb diary. Let me be sensitive. Let me feel something.

Their hands pinned me down the floor, dumb diary. There's so many of them. There were more or less seven of them. At least 3 pair of hands held me down the floor. I could hear them laughing. I hate laughing. I hate it so much that I don't see it as a response of happiness but rather I see it with despise. I tried fighting back but they were too strong.

I suddenly felt someone got on top of me. He positioned himself against my butt. I was wailing already. I was crying my heart out. I screamed.

He further positioned himself against my ass and pounded. He suddenly shouted, "Shumoot! Ang galing ko magbasketball." Further laughter. Further f****** laughter.

It happened within the classroom. We had our clothes on. But I feel violated. And the worst thing is that it happened while the whole class was with us. Some cared but they were too scared to fight back those bullies.

The guy on top of me stood up. He smiled and the others were congratulating him. They left and I was left lying face down the floor still crying. I opted not to report them. I will be blamed again. I don't have anyone to back me up. Wala akong kasagpi sa mundong ito, dumb diary. I turned to my friends. They were also helpless with what happened.

"Magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi ng di ka na asarin ng classmates mo. You brought this on yourself," a voice from a teacher last year echoed through my mind.

I promised myself that I will be better than them, dumb diary. I'm going to be so much better.

*****

Further imaginary journal entries will be posted. And for those who are wondering, these events happened though I did not put it into a diary and the dates were randomly selected (the year was correct). Life after first year high school was better. The bullies were transferred to lower sections. Seems like first year pilot section is not as genuine due to the different grading systems from elementary schools thus not getting the rightful candidates for the cream of the crop section. High school was a blast but I will never forget that first year high school event nor that elementary event. 

"Similarly, when you laugh/make homophobic remarks, hold yourself responsible for your words and actions. Don't pass it off by saying something lame like "eh, kasi, kalalaking tao, ganyan manamit!" - Joey Ramirez, rappler.com



12 comments:

  1. Oh my, oh my. This is heartbreaking. :(

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    1. Thanks for visiting le blog, Javes. I tried to fight back the tears as I reminisce.

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  2. Though the concept isn't original, this is still a very good read. Compelling until the end. Nice one FSOQ.

    Story-wise, this is depressing, especially the last one.

    M'looking forward to more of this Dumb Diary entries and your Root Cause Analysis.

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    1. Thanks, Sep! I'm looking forward to your next post as well. Will it be the last post? Noooooo.

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  3. awwwww. i did not experience bullying in school kasi either i fight back or friends ko ang mga bully or deadma lang. ang mas masakit lang ay mas nabully ako sa mga relatives ko. ugh.
    i can relate with the magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi line. shet.

    howell wherever it is done, bullying is not good.

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    1. Yes, no one deserves to be treated like that. But those experiences made me wonder if respects really begets respect. I respected them but what happened?

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    2. hay hay. well yun nga e. but sometimes we have to fight din talaga kasi sabi nga nung nabasa ko sa fb.... ay nakalimutan ko yung kowt. haha basta ang point, kapag hinayaan natin ang mga tao na tapakan tayo, talagang tatapakan nila tayo ng paulit-ulit!

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  4. I think teachers should be more aware of this... the culture of violating human rights and bullying are thriving perfectly in schools, like these are the flower-beds of the future evils of humanity, when they were design to be the exact opposite.

    Nung nag-aaral pa ako sa Pilipinas, I struggled to keep myself away from that class of students na madalas mapag-tripan. So i kept my status as the top student and a class president. Even in highschool, I wasn't bullied because I was a politician- I WAS EVERYBODY'S FRIEND. The fake defender of the weak and the compadre of the powerful bullies. But the politician's façade was simply to cover my fear of being bullied too.

    Ngayon, na gi-guilty ako kasi, I had the means to fight back and to change everything, and even to defend those who were bullied. I laughed with them, for fear of not being conventional, but deep inside i felt sorry for the bullied ones. I was a real school politician back then- a genuine asshole.

    Siguro kaya ganito ako ngayon- madalas sa rally at kung anu-anong human rights movements, to overcome the guilt.

    It's not the fault of the bullied. It's the fear of people that something is not conventional or something that can potentially disrupt the system of the establishment or that of a religious system.

    T*ngna this talaga!

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    1. Thanks, Sir Tripster for sharing your thoughts.

      Teachers are aware but I don't think they see the gravity of the real issue. Oh, well.

      You don't have to go back in time. You can make a change now. Adult bullying do exist and you can do something to stop it. :)

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  5. I applaud you for blogging your life stories albeit anonymously.

    I too had been bullied back in my primary years. I never fought back. I felt I was weak that time. But all had been well through the years. I never saw those classmates who mistreated me again. I forgave them.

    In the end, we may have been victims, prank targets but we know how much we are worth.

    More than what they think they know.

    - G

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    1. Thanks, G. I admire you for forgiving them

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