Timely. I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm so glad I came across this. I've been thinking of the reasons that led to the impulsive decisions I've made because I believe that knowing the events that led to it will give me better understanding and help me change for the better. No, I'm not going to justify what I did. I know it's wrong.
Then again, should I ask why I did it? A wise professor once told me, "Sometimes the why questions are better left untouched." Does this apply to my situation as well? Should I ask why I did things that are very much uncharacteristic of me?
And as an introduction to the next blog post, there's this something you need to know about me. I've always been classified by many as an intellectual. I'm more of a Herminone Granger in the Harry Potter trio. My friends have always said that I think things beyond the understanding of many. I think too much. And this is my flaw. I rely too much to scientific and logical explanations that I fail to account emotions into the equation. I find it hard to feel anything other than fear (sobrang matatakutin at magugulatin ako, the only emotions I am well acquainted with). Really hard. That's why I commend my partner for breaking through the wall. Because he made me feel. That's something.
There's one thing I do know. As an intellectual, I know what is right and wrong based from the points of consideration. But knowing what is right is different from doing and it makes the guilt that comes after it far more worse. And to cope with the guilt, I tend to lean on the understanding that everything is a rational response. As have said by Newton, for every action is an equal reaction. Knowing that this is a response from something that has happened before gives me the illusion that the guilt shouldn't be there.
A guilt. The lightning that struck the heart.
The conscience. The thunder that echoed through the mind.
I'm currently under a storm and I'm going to dance under it.