Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I can't help but feel

Shame. Yes. Maybe, after everything that has happened, despite of how much we are far apart, I can't help myself but be ashamed of you. Of what happened to us. You failed on your role and we are left with that void.11 years, and counting, of words left unspoken, I wonder if reconciliation is still possible.

Pity. Yes. You. I pity you for thinking who you are is what you are when actually you're far from what you thought you are. With all your pride and self-righteousness, you felt a certain power that never was yours nor it will be. There are people better than you, I've learned that lesson myself as well. Painfully. And as your friend, I'm trying to teach you that. But you still stand on the pedestal you made for yourself as you cast your eyes down on us. You're alone up there. Let me help you get back. I'm here for you.

Sadness. No, I'm not emotional. I'm quite a happy individual. But behind the smiles, I just want tell you how torn and broken I am inside.

Thankful. Gratitude for picking every piece of me and bringing me back together. You bled for I have hurt you. You cried and yet you never stopped putting each piece of me together, pricking your fingers and having your heart broken in the process, just to see the beauty that is me. I will never let you be hurt again and it's my turn to heal the wounds I have caused. I never deserved you but you made me feel I am enough. You have changed me. The jaded me has melted. Forever maybe cloudy but I will be with you each day if you let me. Sorry for everything I have done and might do but I assure you I'm learning. I'll never let go of you my dear. Let's try to make the forever possible.

Disappointed. Disappointed for I have not done my part as your big brother. I grew up far away from you two as well. You grew up close together as I drifted further from you. I hope you will understand that what happened between us is a result of my intellectual pursuit. My pursuit to bring home the bacon. My pursuit to maintain my scholarships so that we will have enough money to send you to good schools. I am disappointed that as I brought home the award coveted for, Magna Cum Laude, top of the whole university, I have unknowingly placed you in the same pressure I've been through even now. To my brother, you are pressured to follow my footsteps but you were never expected to bring home the same award. They expect you to graduate as Cum Laude not knowing you can achieve further. You are living behind my shadow and our sister's. I urge you to prove them wrong. Whatever is the result, be comforted with the fact that you gave a good fight. Reach for the stars. If you fail, at least you will land on the moon as they say. As for you my dear sister, my sweet 9-yr. Old sister, you are placed in this pressure at a very young age. You are mentally conditioned at this early age to graduate as Summa to complete the 'set'. Live life. I'm glad you're not affected anymore. But my heart broke when you cried because you finished second last school year and you were afraid what he may tell you. I'm sure you will do better. You're the smartest of us all. But I'm here to remind you to live life. I'll teach you how to play when you forget because of you burning the midnight oil in the future. We will play games, all three of us deprived of the intellectual comfort we need, just as I have dreamed. We will get through this together.

Contentment for I have a medium in which I could unload my thoughts. This blog has done me well. It has served me well. You readers became my friends. I have always looked forward to your comments that never failed to warm my heart. Honestly, your presence in this blog have made life easier. You became my confidante, blog and readers. You may not be many but you are treasured. I love you. I wish I could tell you how much I am thankful for being there with me through the good times and the bad. This life is a roller coaster journey. Thank you for taking this ride with me.

Life. People are always in pursuit of happiness in life and yet life throws a lot of emotions towards us. We fail to appreciate this. We get angry because we failed to be happy. In reality, how can we appreciate sweets if this is all that we had? How can we appreciate happiness without experiencing the other emotions we should go through?

Shame.
Pity.
Sadness.
Gratitude.
Disappointement.
Contentment.

We all go through these and a lot more.

But in the end, there is happiness. One way or another, it is definitely waiting along the journey or at the end of the tunnel.

And with that, I smile and I can't help but keep moving forward.

posted from Bloggeroid

4 comments:

  1. Shame.
    Shame = ?
    Pity = a friend of yours
    Sadness = ?
    Gratitude = your current partner
    Disappointment = your younger siblings
    Contentment = your blog and readers

    Ang ganda ng structure and content. :)

    Akala ko nung una ay emo post, pero feel-good naman pala ang ending. *heehee*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Sep.

      Ung sa shame sa sobrang ashamed ako e ayoko na ibulgar pagkatao nya. Haha same with sadness

      Delete
  2. naku sa sibling issues na yan. buti na lang ako pinakamagaling kaya no pressure. charot. hahaha ewan siguro dahil middle child ako, kaya chill lang. though nafifeel ko sa'kin nacocompare yung kuya ko. okay na yun. straight naman siya tas beki ako, so magkaiba kami. haha

    howell dean's lister lang ang kaya ko hindi ko keri mga suma suma na yan. chill chill lang. haha

    hmmm mukhang dami mong pinagdadaanan lately ha...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isa sa pinakamasakit ang maikumpara noh? Minsan kasi feeling mo di kpa sapat.

      Ung iba naman e nagdaan na ;)

      Delete