Sunday, November 24, 2013

70 posts (including drafts) later

Out of boredom, I decided to backread my own blog and I didn't know I was in for a real throwback. Every story I've posted, every word, was like a rope enveloping my body and taking me to some not-so distant past and leaving me jaw dropped. Every post has its own tone. I actually noticed a change in each post, as if the blog has been written by different people, sharing same beliefs, differing little in tone, but a growth can be noticed. I honestly felt as if I'm reading someone else's blog.

A year ago, I was single. I was teary-eyed whenever I watched gay love stories, crawling over youtube posts for gay-related content, and reading books about homosexuality. I was never in the closet (a little bit when I'm with the family) but I never had the chance to bloom. As if this important area of my personality has been shunned. A year ago, I was bullied because of my sexual preference. This was not the first time but it pulled the last straw. It made me cry and it made me strong. I vented out my anger and despair in this blog and this blog witnessed the change brought by it.

A little less than a year ago, I met my partner and went on my first date. I never knew that someone like him would actually fall for a guy like me and looking back I'm blessed to have met him and fallen for him. A little less than a year ago, I was smitten by love. I tried to be the best that I can be for him but he showed me that I'm already enough. But still, that didn't stop me to improve. A little less than a year ago, I decided to take care of my health and started doing cardio and went to the gym to lift weights. I fell in love with lifting, I always look forward to it at the end of the day.

A few months after meeting partner, I learned he was about to be assigned to Bicol after accepting a job offer he can't refuse. I can never forget the morning after learning the news, I was doing my morning cardio and the music I was listening put the words my heart wanted to cry out. I cannot remember what song nor the lyrics but the emotions that ran through me were still vivid. The sinking feeling gave by the thought of not having partner at my side physically has left me exhausted and non-animated. Thoughts ran through my head but hearing my partner's voice over the phone has left me reassured of the love we share. That we will withstand the distance and our love will remain.

Seven months ago, I gave my partner my "yes". Under the night sky, inside a tent during our vacation in Anawangin, with strangers surrounding the tent, laughing to their hearts' content, you dropped the question I've been waiting for five months. You asked my hand and I gave my heart. I gave my trust and I gave my love. For the first time, I felt dependent on the existence of my partner, as if I wouldn't live without him by my side. A feeling I was afraid of as I was used to living on my own, independent, and knowing that I'm making myself vulnerable to him, with the walls I've built for years crumbled down because of his love, scared me. I learned to take risk because in love, risks are always involved. But as we got along the way, I learned and I felt that this dependency on partner is actually a feeling a of security. That everything will be all right as long as we have each other.

Six months ago, I got curious of the trappings of sex. Hahaha. Yes, I confessed my virginity, I still am (UGH!), and I went out looking for books and blogs about it. Six months ago, I became curious of the dynamics of sexuality and tried to explore its corners.

Five months ago, I cheated. I prefer to think of it as cheating against my will but still I can't change the fact that I cheated. I told my partner what happened. It was the first big fight we had. I don't even know if I should consider that a fight since he didn't get mad. Nonetheless, I still inflicted pain. That cry over the phone, after telling him what happened, will forever echo in my mind. I was forgiven by him, fortunately, and I'm grateful for it. Five months ago, my faith has been challenged and I appreciated all the comments readers gave to that post. Five months ago, I've secretly learned of the sexual preference of my younger brother, that we are playing on the same team. I decided that I have to open myself, little by little, to my brother so I could guide him in making the right decisions and not make the mistakes I've made myself.

Four months ago, my relationship with partner became long-distance officially.

Three months ago, I tried to tackle bullying in my blog. I've witnessed bullying in front of my eyes and I tried to look back at the time when I was bullied. I was inspired to stop bullying and I wanted to make a change in my own little way. Three months ago, I asked my partner why monthsaries don't seem to be special to him. I asked him why we were not celebrating monthsaries. I reminded myself to deal with the relationship one day at a time and months shouldn't be counted.

Two months ago, an earthquake has hit Cebu and I was left shaken. I got scared and I prayed that my relatives were okay. I realized that no matter how good a person can be God will always be in control. Two months ago, I introduced my partner to my sister, a step-up to the relationship as I saw it.

One month ago, I told readers about my fetish on bondage and I got mix reactions. One month ago, typhoon Yolanda struck and I got scared for it hit partner's workplace. I was helpless. I prayed as I received his text, "Nakakatakot na po rito, bunso." Yolanda stripped away lives and up until now, my prayers are with those who are affected. One month ago, I've hurt my friend and I'm still trying to save the friendship.

This year, I was single, I fell in love, I cheated, and we made up.

This year, I explored more about my sexuality. This year, I was and still am a virgin (anally hahahah).

This year I made friends. Readers became my friends as well.

This year was pretty eventful and thanks to this blog for being with me, recording important events of my life, acting as the repository of my thoughts, and being a friend to whom I confide to everything, Thanks to this blog I met my readers, awesome and interesting people I want to know deeper. I am forever grateful to this blog. I may not be sure how frequent I can update this blog nor how long this will be kept alive.

But for now, all I know is, I am glad to have this blog.

Seventy-posts (including drafts) later and here I am still blogging. A little bit different from the blogger a year before but still the same one way or another.

Happy anniversary, FiftyShadesOfQueer. Happy birthday.

*****







17 comments:

  1. Thanks for being here, FSOQ. I enjoy interacting with you here in the blogosphere. ;)

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    1. Thanks, Sep. I enjoyed ur company as well. :)

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  2. i love itttt!

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY FSOQ! :)

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  3. happy anniversary on your blog. wow it was a whirlwind year for you to say the least.

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    1. Yes, it was one ride I will never forget. Thanks, Earl. :)

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  4. happy blogsarry sa blog mo... :)

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  5. Congratulations. I do back read my entries as well and it took one friend of mine two weeks to do it but she told me it was worth the time. I wish you all the best and continue to be an inspiration to blog readers.

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  6. Another year for u my friend , blog lang ng blog!

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    1. Thank you. Hehehe. Naengganyo ako magsagada dahil sa post mo. :)

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  7. i am super late for this comment.. hihihi...

    Congratulations to you and i really liked what you did with this post..
    parang summary lang.. hahahaha...

    super nice!


    :)

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  8. Wow. Just wow. The quality of your words, is something that I should aspire to reach one day :D

    Congrats.

    -DK-

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