Generally, in a manufacturing set-up, defects are discarded as they don't contribute to the value of its intended purpose. They don't function as designed because of certain reasons such as physical inability, aesthetic error, or they don't simply work at all. They are anomalies, the ones that stick out from the group. They are put away at the sidelines, can be recycled if possible, but are left nonetheless.
As humans, we are actually manufactured by the One and Great Designer of all things. In a sense, He has manufactured us, made us out of clay as the Bible, His word according to my beliefs, has stated. He used genetics, the code of our physical make-up, and used social structures and settings to program how we think and act. How we turn out to be is all according to His plan, for whatever reason, for whatever outcome, the final result is according to how He will play us out in this big game called life. A big game in which we're not even sure who His opponent is.
I am a creation of God.
But am I a defect? As a homosexual, being sexually incapable of procreation, am I considered a defect?
No offense to readers, but please do understand that I may be out and open about my sexuality but I'm still having a hard time accepting how I turned out to be. Funny and ironic because some people might say, "Hey, you're already 21-yrs old. You're not a late bloomer so you should get over it." But sorry, I really still am confused on how to accept this part of me with people telling me, "You're a child of the devil." so kindly have some patience to stomach my own point of view of my personal issue.
I've been thinking this for quite a while now, I, as a homosexual, can't procreate. I can't do what I'm designed for, to be able to consummate with another woman and create another human being to this world. I, as a homosexual, is incapable of one of the supposed designs for a man thus I can fall to the category of "defective".
Some people say, "I'm born this way," comparing themselves to eunuchs, those who are castrated in order to prevent themselves from spilling viable seeds for impregnation.
Some people say, "I became this," referring to homosexuality as a result of social constructs.
Either way, Church views homosexuality as a sin. Abominable.
And either way, either explanation, may it be because of whatever gay gene one may possess or whatever social constructs that resulted to it, I still can't accept the fact that I'm a homosexual and to my own eyes I'm a defect. As stated before, defects are discarded.
I'm a defect and as suicidal as this may sound, I should be discarded. People generally tells us homosexuals that we don't have a place in this world. What if they were right?
Should I even be allowed to live?
Or was it like before, what the blacks and the women have fought for? Equal rights? Blacks and women were considered lowly before and were not allowed to enjoy the rights they now have but because they fought for it, now they have it. Is it the same for us? Or different since surely they were born that way?
Will I have the answers? Will God provide the answers that I seek? They say that the Bible has the answers but with all these translations and interpretations its so hard to pick which to believe.
I am left without any answers.
And as usual, this post will be ended with, "I don't know." We don't have all the answers but that doesn't makes us stupid. In reverse, having all the answers doesn't make one intelligent but asking about what we know or not know makes us one.
In time, answers will be given. May it be from the Bible, may it be from Him, or may it be from any source, answers, I believe, will be given.
But as for now, I'm still in a journey towards self-acceptance. I mean come-on, how could I expect everyone else to accept the beauty of this creation if I can't even accept myself? I'm still in this journey but I'm definitely not in a hurry. In this journey of self-acceptance, I might make the wrong turn, take a detour, and even turn back, but the important thing is getting there. I might get broken, people will make me or break me, but I'll comfort myself with the fact that once I've accepted myself that's already one person who accepts me and that's what all matters, isn't it?
That's what matters to me. To accept myself and not feel guilty for being who I am. To be able to enjoy this world without guilt and only acceptance is what I've been looking forward to the most.
I wish this for myself and for all of you as well.