Sunday, July 28, 2013

My little brother is a little sister all along

I've always been regarded as the effeminate one in the family. I admit, I may not be as manly as my cousins but I don't cross-dress. Those two are different things. Anyway, because of it, I was the subject of ridicule in the family when I was a kid until I gained a degree of masculinity as I reached adulthood. I may be in the closet from my family but I know that they knew. They're just waiting for me to confirm it. 

As days became months and months became years, I realized that I was not the only one in the closet. My brother is there as well! My little brother. My sweet innocent little brother. I knew from the very start when we were kids that we were kindred spirits but it was not a big of a deal for me that's why I brushed the issue aside. But recent events have pushed me to decide that I have to talk to him regarding with his preference. Not because of his preference but rather because of his actions.

It all started when my mother brought a laptop for herself and for my brother. I have a laptop at home but my mother and brother brought one because I usually bring mine to school. The laptop didn't have any user account so files were not segregated by user. I used their laptop before when mine was having problems due to overuse. Being in the IT field, I know my way around the computer and found out something startling: gay porn torrents! Whoa. I was shocked. Immediately I thought of my brother and everything was confirmed right there and then. It may not be from his lips but those torrents were enough evidence for me to make a conclusion. I checked the history of the laptop's browser and I saw the torrent sites. I looked around the hard drive, trying to search the videos, but to no avail. I did find some videos of a man flexing his muscles but with a round tummy. The search history also included keywords like "muscled guy with tummy". Whoa. Shocker. What a fetish!

The second incident was when I opened his Facebook account. Sorry, it was an accident. His account was left logged in and I can't help but snoop around just to check his messages. There was this one guy he kept in touch with and judging from their thread, my brother has a crush on him.


The last incident that finally pushed me to decide to talk to him is when we brought a tablet for the whole family. My brother and my 9 yr. old sister are the ones who usually use the tablet at home. It's more convenient and energy efficient than opening a laptop when we're just browsing the internet When I used the table to use Google search, the browser gave me the following search suggestions based on history: taylor lautner abs, taylor lautner height, joseph marco height, luis manzano height and many more! Oh my! We have the same type. Haha. Team Jacob! But that's not all! One time, I opened the browser and the very website opened was a gay porn site with all the graphic pictures to display! Whoa! I got worried since my sister also uses the tablet and she might have seen it. Her eyes are too young for those!

Because of these, we have to have "the talk". The problem is I'm not prepared! I hope my brother has been safe all along. I don't want him to venture without weighing the possible consequences of his actions! I grew up without a guide regarding with my sexuality since I don't have gay classmates and friends. I don't want this to happen to my brother as well.


Am I in the position to talk to him? Ugh. I'm so confused. First of all, we need to establish rules when using electronic devices. These gadgets are shared with my sister and mother. Maybe it's time for me to give him one of his own. I also believe I should guide him to making the right choices. Maybe I should come out to him. But I'm also not prepared for that.

Oh my. This is interesting. Suddenly, I realized a dilemma. You see, in our whole family in our father side, there's only three of us to carry on the surname. The only three in the WHOLE lot. My cousin is straight so that leaves the two of us to see who comes out first. If one of us came out first, the other one left will be having a hard time and our parents may be more devastated and may not easily accept the fact that two of their sons are gays. Noooo.


On the other hand, my 9 yr. old sister may be a budding lesbian. She's very boyish though I know for a fact that this is not a reliable indicator. Whatever. Haha. If she turned out to be a lesbian then there goes my parents' wishes to have grand children.

Watta family. Watta set of siblings. I can't help but look at the situation in a humorous light. I feel like I'm in a race against my brother. On the other hand, maybe both of us will choose to stay in the closet from our family. The closet is big enough for the both of us. :)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Lost

I grew  up in a religous Catholic family. My father was an ex-seminarian. Both of my parents met in a Catholic school where they worked. My godparents are all ex-seminarian. I was enrolled in a Catholic school. I led the Lectors and Commentators Ministry. I led the Knights of the Altar even though I'm not a member (I was given the responsibility to lead despite of my inexperience). I was leading a religous life in the eyes of many. I was the good boy.

Then came college. I started to realize things. I started to view things differently. I started to use my head. I don't know if I was considered enlightened but I did feel that the things I have believed in may not be as it seem. I did feel that there was something wrong with my belief. That my ideals were becoming increasingly different from the faith I grew up to. I became an Atheist. I didn't believe in God. I started to put my faith on my own logic and reasoning. There are so many things inconsistent with the teachings I was exposed to that I started to question these teachings. There are things inconsistent with what I see and with what I have read from the Bible. Things I tried to comprehend to the best of my abilities but in the end I got confused.

Ideas started to form in my head. A friend saw my confusion and invited me to her Church. She was a born-again Christian. I gladly accepted her invitation hoping I would find answers. I conformed to its teachings. I absorbed its beliefs. I was baptized. But where did it get me? Still along the road of confusion. At first, I thought I had the answers to my questions but as cliche as it may sound, the answers opened questions that no one MAY be able to answer. I fell back. I became unsure.

Was this journey of finding my personal faith worth the trouble? I've always wondered how come I ended up like this. I realized that my sexual orientation has fueled this journey. I wanted answers. What happened? How come God let me be the very creature He has despised? I've also tried to seek the answers using scientific reasoning but due to my religous upbringing, I can't help myself and seek explanations the Bible offers.

I have always despised myself. I've hated myself. If only I could have chosen, I would have chosen otherwise. I've viewed myself as an abomination. A creation of the devil. Someone who sins because of love. A love that others have viewed as lust, an addiction. I've been persecuted by others, by God, and by myself.

Where do I stand? What do I believe in? I desperately want answers. I desperately want light. I want to find peace with who I am and what I believe in. I don't want to be a lost sheep anymore. I want to be found. I have cried out for help to whoever is up there looking at us, watching the move that He may have mandated or premeditated.

I've always envied others who have faith and at the same time are comfortable with their orientation. I envied Corporate Closet and his acceptance of his faith. I envied Raymond Alikpala, the author of God Loves Bakla, and his journey towards finding Him and himself. I envied my partner and his relationship with his God. I've reviewed my relationship with God. There is much change. The connection may have thinned but there is still a connection nonetheless. A thin connection I cling to.

How should I end this blog post? I don't know. I guess that's how I should end it because in reality, I have no idea where I'm going to in the area of faith. I'm still lost.


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Forgiven

Every relationship isn't perfect. Each has its own complexities, problems, and heart aches. We make mistakes. We hurt our loved ones, intentional or not. But why do we still engage in a relationship knowing that sooner or later we will hurt and get hurt?

That is the very question I have asked when I answered, "Yes" to my hubby when he asked if we could be exclusive back in our vacation in Anawangin, Zambales. I had full of doubts. He was going to be first real boyfriend and I realized that by putting myself in his arms I'm making myself vulnerable to his every action. That whatever I do, he's very much capable of hurting me, may not be physically but emotionally, and I was not mentally prepared for such risk. Despite of my fears and doubts, I trusted him and we became a couple.

Two months later, I was the one who inflicted emotional pain. Not once but multiple times. Ironic. I was the one who was afraid of getting hurt and it actually turned out to be the other way around. I was unfaithful. I succumbed to temptation and I'm never going to let myself do it again. I realized my mistake. I realized that when I'm intimate with anybody else but him, the fact that he's the only one for me is reinforced and that we are meant for each other. My mistake put me back on the right track.

I confessed to him. I told him what happened. I heard him cry over the phone. Seven full minutes of crying. When the network cut the call due to Fair Usage Policy, he never called back. He just texted me implying that he's going to be okay and he needs time to digest what has happened. My conscience ate me. I was bad. I never had plans to hurt him. I love him and it hurts me more when I heard him cry.

This week has been rough. He rarely replied to my texts. I only received messages reminding me to eat on time and to always take care of myself. I got worried. This is the relationship I was dreaming of and the foundation of it was endangered because of me. I was not able to sleep peacefully knowing that the relationship and my health was at risk. I can't wait for weekend to come and see him in person, to comfort him, to tell him that everything is going to be okay, and to assure him that he is the only one I love and that I made a mistake I regret. I was also looking forward for it for him to reassure me that everything's going to be alright, that he will be with me when I get my test.

Yesterday came. He was silent. A disturbed look was etched on his face. Moments passed by and I was telling him sorry. We went to the mall. I told him I'll never do it again. I apologized sincerely. He told me he's going to be okay. We watched a movie and slowly we held hands. He may not have said it but I believe he has forgiven me.

What is an apology? Sometimes, we say the word "sorry" too much that the essence of this word is lost along the way. Sorry is a valuable word that can be tainted. Like any thing, this word, when used too much, loses its luster. What does sorry even mean? Recent events led me to conclude that sorry is not just a term asking for forgiveness. The genuine meaning of sorry is, "I made a mistake and I would like to ask for forgiveness. This will not happen again." What is sorry if you're going to do the same mistake over and over? What is an apology if you don't value the fact that the person you had an offense against has forgiven you despite of the gravity of your fault? A true apology is holding his forgiveness as something priceless and doing your best to learn from the mistake.

So, I have learned my lesson. I was able to get his forgiveness and now I'm going to win back his trust. I cannot expect him to trust me completely after everything. I actually expect him na maghigpit in light of recent events and I understand if he does. I would have done the same thing if I am placed in his situation. But at the very least, we're still together and we're going to face everything together. I'm not going to let go of his hand no matter what. My hands are only for his. Would I be naive to say that this is going to be forever and ever? Yes. But it doesn't hurt to be hopeful I believe.

Now, the test. That's what I'm waiting for currently and as a slightly impatient person, the wait is killing me. But rest assured, I have him with me when I get tested and in that I find peace.

Friday, July 12, 2013

To take my mind off things

I updated my layout. I hope this is better.

Sleepless nights

Bothered with what has happened. Si hubby nagtatampo. I had to tell him what happened.

Still praying that I'm safe from any disease. I'm still praying that the relationship will be safe. I need a companion.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

I hope

I hope I'll be safe. I just had unprotected oral sex with someone I just met. I don't know myself anymore.


These past few days have been very stressful to our relationship to the point that I don't even know where to start. I guess you don't have to know the whole story. All you need to know is that we're having problems. Madalas siya magtampo. Di ko makausap ng maayos. And for reasons I don't know. To think that we just had our second monthsary last week (two months only and we're already having problems), nagtampo siya bigla during the monthsary itself. I can't talk to him and he's been ignoring my texts. 

Okay, so here's what happened. A guy suddenly texted me if we could meet. I agreed as I looked forward to having a good conversation (being deprived of replies from my hubby). It was Friday night, a night after our monthsary, when we met. He had his car with him and we decided to have milk tea somewhere in Taguig. So we had our conversation while he was driving. He was a graduate from a prestigious school and a marketing manager in a company near my workplace. He believes partly in what I believe in. He's cute. His voice is sultry yet innocent. He's smart. So when we arrived at Taguig, there isn't a parking space near the tea shop so we decided to just roam around Manila in his car and continued with our conversations. I got to know him in the short while until its time for him to drop me off at the apartment. Before he dropped me off, I guess it's all because of the tension of the moment, we kissed. We decided to roam a bit along the subdivision and we were kissing while he was driving (very unsafe). I was left amused and flattered that a guy like him would actually be interested. And so the first time I had an affair started. It ended after a week. He insisted on having sex with me and he's not even answering if he was tested for HIV. He called me an immature, a kid, for not being man enough to stand up to the opportunity to have sex with him. So, I declined and cut the lines of communication.



The second instance is a day after I ended our communication with the "manager". I decided to meet this guy who looks a lot like Joshua Dionisio. He's within my age group and he's really kind. We discussed sex once and we both believed that sex should not be important when meeting other guys for friends. I was really glad. He invited me to stay over at his house and spend the night there. I decided, what the heck, he seems nice. So, I went to his neighborhood and we had dinner with some of his friends at this karinderya. After dinner, we went to his place to watch some movies. His friends immediately left when we arrived so we were left alone. Our skins touching. Someone called, his bestfriend, telling him that he will spend the night there as well. His bestfriend arrived and we continued watching some documentaries in his laptop. The night went on and after having midnight snack we went to sleep. He suddenly embraced me. I was still awake as I was having a hard time falling asleep and there he was his lips suddenly closing in to my neck. His breathing was heavy indicating he's deep in his sleep. I found myself hugging him back. He's too adorable not to ignore. I thought that the hug would be innocent but suddenly his hand was travelling south. I still think he's really asleep so I let him. I fell asleep finally and morning came. I woke up hugging him. Every time I remove my hand off his body, his hand would protest against. I fell asleep again and suddenly I can feel his hand putting my hand inside his shorts. He's still sleeping soundly. That's when it happened. I jacked him off. I thought it was what he wanted me to do. After a few minutes, I can feel him putting himself in a position in which I'd be having a hard time jacking him off. Moments passed by and he said if I could suck him off and I obliged. I told him never to release it inside me. He came, I jerked off, and I found myself staring to space. 

He said he's HIV negative. I just hope I won't get sick. I may be paranoid. But please, let me be safe. The mistakes I've done brought me back to the right track, gave me back my previous perspective, and made me want to fix things with my hubby. I know that oral sex is a low risk activity but there's still the presence of risk. I hope I'm safe. I still have a lot of plans and I still want to pleasure my hubby when the time comes.

:(