Friday, September 27, 2013

Queer Quickie: Random thinking about monthsaries

What would you feel when your partner forgets your monthsary for the second time consecutively?

I had to remind him that it's our monthsary yesterday. We don't celebrate our monthsaries and I usually comfort myself with the fact that, at the very least, a greeting first thing in the morning would be the best. But not even a greeting was said last month. A week has passed after our special day last month before I broke my silence and told him that he forgot our special day and a greeting would have been enough. Yesterday, I can't help myself but remind him that afternoon. Is he that busy to forget?

What should I feel?  Should I be mad?

Should monthsaries even be celebrated?

I was always a firm believer of not counting the months in a relationship and just deal with the relationship one day at a time. But now that I'm in a relationship, I have this feeling every month, on the day we became committed, that day is special and should be celebrated. That I want to reminisce what we've been through, celebrate what we have now, and to make plans for our tomorrow.

But here I am, still dreaming of celebrating a monthsary.

Magtampo man ako, mukha namang walang mangyayari. Kapag pinagsasabihan ko siya, wala rin namang pagbabago.

I guess I should keep myself in silence and not expect.

Who am I to ask for so much?

Gym Quickie

... no, I didn't had a quickie in the gym. I was just surprised that one of my crushes in the gym talked to me last night. Not because he was interested in me but rather because he wanted to use the equipment I was using. Unfortunately, he had set the incline bench too high for me. He taught me how to bench press on that height and even offered to spot. I felt awkward though because he called me 'pre' and 'bro' the whole time. Can't he see I'm a 'sis' and 'kumare'?

Anyway, another gym rat who was watching us noticed what I have been struggling for the past few years: my breathing. I've noticed this before that I've been breathing irregularly(?) when I took swimming lessons as a kid. I felt like my breaths were short and quick that's why I can't finish a lap. Gym rat noticed that my breathing was not controlled and I seemed to hold my breath when I lift thus limiting my number and strength of lifts depending on how long I can hold my breath.

"Pre, wag mo pigilan paghinga mo."

Sigh. Maybe, I should google a tutorial on how to breathe. Hahahha.

Anyway, I'm seeing some progress. Unfortunately, I'm still far from the body type I want.








The nipples begging to be played. Haha. I was reminded of how wild partner and I can be with nipple plays. Sometimes, shower the next day can be a pain because my nipples were in agony. I usually discover them covered with blood clot a day after. Also, one time, my partner suddenly stopped nibbling in the middle of some nipple action and exclaimed:

"Teka, ramdam kong may sugat na."

And I didn't notice as I was in pure ecstasy the whole time.

I guess we should tone it down a bit.

Random.
posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Blaming the bullied victim

NOTE: I decided not to blog my Root Cause Analysis for the meantime. What matters is the lesson learned. Credits to author Jim Benton. I borrowed his format of writing. Sorry for the long post as well. Please bear with me.


September 02, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

Dumb diary, I hate being effeminate. God. I wish I'm more manly. I wish I'm straight. I wish I'm bigger. I'm tired of my classmates teasing me for being feminine. I'm tired of how they laugh at me. I'm tired of their jokes. I'm tired of being their object of ridicule. Yes, I'm tired of everything. I can't wait to get out of elementary and get into high school. I can't wait to graduate. I can't wait to leave this hell hole. I can't wait to forget my classmates. I can't wait to have new friends who will be more accepting of who I was. I can't wait for the respect I rightfully should have.

Anyway, dumb diary. Today, as I ate my recess, I watched my classmates laugh at my group of friends because they saw us as weird group of guys who acts like girls. Obviously, they can't appreciate the beauty inside us. I pity them, dumb diary. They laugh at us when they're actually the ones who should be laughed at for their stupidity and for being insensitive. They should be the ones I should laugh at because I saw how simple minded they are. I should be the one laughing because they're pitiful for being dragged by the winds of "commonness".

Anyway, I'll get the last laugh.

*****

September 15, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

I was watching the lower levels play chinese garter today. Gaaah. I miss that game. Even though I was really not good at it all. But there is a certain grace I feel whenever I jump over that long piece of rubber band. A certain grace that I appreciate. I feel like a fairy jumping tiptoed. I feel beautiful.

*****

September 18, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

I watched soft porn today with my uncle. It was straight porn, dumb diary. I don't even know if I should classify it as porn. It was a movie with story. But there was um a "sexy scene". The guy was actually a dirty old man. Haha. But I felt very weird southwards. I went to the bathroom a few times during the sexy scenes. Um, I was surprised that my bird got so big. It was veiny. It was the first time I saw my bird that big and I felt this pain as if it can grow much longer. I didn't know what to do. I tried to pee but to no avail. I thought my bird was going to fly off my body.

Fortunately, after a few minutes, my bird went limp. 

*****

October 12, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

I had my first fist fight today. It felt good.

It all started when I exclaimed I was thirsty. My mouth was dry and I have already used up all the water in my water bottle. We were doing some seatwork my teacher has assigned for us that day and I didn't want to waste time by getting some water from the drinking fountain. My classmates were already finished with theirs and mine was still half-way through.

"Tara sa cr, painumin kita ng gatas," my seatmate told me while smiling. Our other seatmates overheard and laugh.

"Ha, may gatas ba roon?" I asked. 

More laughter. I felt this sinking feeling that I should be offended. I ignored them.

"Halika na kasi. Masarap yung gatas dun. Ako pa magbibigay sayo," my seatmate urged.

Our seatmates by this time were laughing harder. I ignored them once again and concentrated on the task at hand. When I finished my work, I fell in line to get my work checked by our teacher. A classmate went in line as well and positioned behind my back. Way too close. As in waaaay close. I could feel his dick pressing against me.

"Bakit ayaw mo ng gatas nung dun sa katabi mo?" he snickered.

Snap. Everything went black. I found myself punching him. He punched back. He was a better fighter but I cared nonetheless. All mattered was I'm tired of them laughing at me. Whatever that "gatas" meant, it must have meant something funny. Something to disrespect me. I sooo needed to get my fist on his face.

We were subdued by our classmates and our teacher. 

"FSOQ, you should see me later or tomorrow at the faculty."

I looked at my classmate. Few bruises and scrapes. Maybe none at all. It seems that he made more damage than I did. 

But fighting back felt good.

I looked at my seatmate. He was surprised with what happened. He was the one who started it all anyway. I missed him. I missed my bestfriend. What happened between us?

*****

October 13, 2003
Dear dumb diary,

"Bakit ba kasi di mo tigasan ang kilos mo? Napagtritripan ka tuloy ng classmates mo." 

I was dumbfounded. My jaw dropped. Am I the one being blamed here?

"Ma'am, e siya naman po ang nagsimula e," I reasoned out.

"E, kung magpakalalaki ka kaya,"

"Ma'am, lalaki naman po ako."

"E, bakit lalambot lambot ang kilos mo, ha?" she asked. There was a slight concern from her face.

I was the victim. I was the one being bullied. But there I was in the faculty office feeling like I was the one being interrogated. As if they were the victims. I was the one bullied, wasn't I? I was the one who was hurt more physically and emotionally scarred.

"Magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi ng di ka na asarin ng classmates mo. You brought this on yourself. Should I inform your parents with what happened?"

I fell silent.

I'm always defeated.

I went out of the faculty and I saw the small smirk on the guys' faces as I entered the room. My fist clenched, dumb diary.

*****


April 28, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

Good bye, hellish pit hole! I'm leaving you! Proud graduate.

*****

May 14, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

My mother enrolled me in the highschool department of my previous school. Memories are still fresh I can't take.

Anyway, still looking forward to high school.


*****

June 10, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

Got into the pilot section (cream of the crop section) of our year level. Yay! I'm sure most of my classmates are educated. Can't wait to start the school year.

*****

September 2, 2004
Dear dumb diary,

I want to die. I feel like I'm in hell again. 

Why is it happening to me again? Why am I being bullied again? What did I ever do to them for me to be picked on every f****** single time? 

I'll never forget what happened today. It will be forever etched in my mind, dumb diary. I can't help these tears flowing. It's time for me to cry. I'm tired of holding my tears back. Let me cry, dumb diary. Let me be sensitive. Let me feel something.

Their hands pinned me down the floor, dumb diary. There's so many of them. There were more or less seven of them. At least 3 pair of hands held me down the floor. I could hear them laughing. I hate laughing. I hate it so much that I don't see it as a response of happiness but rather I see it with despise. I tried fighting back but they were too strong.

I suddenly felt someone got on top of me. He positioned himself against my butt. I was wailing already. I was crying my heart out. I screamed.

He further positioned himself against my ass and pounded. He suddenly shouted, "Shumoot! Ang galing ko magbasketball." Further laughter. Further f****** laughter.

It happened within the classroom. We had our clothes on. But I feel violated. And the worst thing is that it happened while the whole class was with us. Some cared but they were too scared to fight back those bullies.

The guy on top of me stood up. He smiled and the others were congratulating him. They left and I was left lying face down the floor still crying. I opted not to report them. I will be blamed again. I don't have anyone to back me up. Wala akong kasagpi sa mundong ito, dumb diary. I turned to my friends. They were also helpless with what happened.

"Magpakalalaki ka na lang kasi ng di ka na asarin ng classmates mo. You brought this on yourself," a voice from a teacher last year echoed through my mind.

I promised myself that I will be better than them, dumb diary. I'm going to be so much better.

*****

Further imaginary journal entries will be posted. And for those who are wondering, these events happened though I did not put it into a diary and the dates were randomly selected (the year was correct). Life after first year high school was better. The bullies were transferred to lower sections. Seems like first year pilot section is not as genuine due to the different grading systems from elementary schools thus not getting the rightful candidates for the cream of the crop section. High school was a blast but I will never forget that first year high school event nor that elementary event. 

"Similarly, when you laugh/make homophobic remarks, hold yourself responsible for your words and actions. Don't pass it off by saying something lame like "eh, kasi, kalalaking tao, ganyan manamit!" - Joey Ramirez, rappler.com



Friday, September 13, 2013

Queer Quickie: What Love really is

I've finished my Root Cause Analysis and I'm having a hard time translating it into words. Anyway, as for the meantime, here's a random update that summarizes every thought I had in the past few weeks:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Queer Quickie: Being faithful

A friend said: "Di mahirap maging faithful kapag mahal mo ang isang tao." Boom!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Good boys go gay

I came across this video and this might actually turn good boys gay. Haha. Just playing with the video title. :)


Queer Quote 1 - from Vivian Greene




Timely. I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm so glad I came across this. I've been thinking of the reasons that led to the impulsive decisions I've made because I believe that knowing the events that led to it will give me better understanding and help me change for the better. No, I'm not going to justify what I did. I know it's wrong.

Then again, should I ask why I did it? A wise professor once told me, "Sometimes the why questions are better left untouched." Does this apply to my situation as well? Should I ask why I did things that are very much uncharacteristic of me? 

And as an introduction to the next blog post, there's this something you need to know about me. I've always been classified by many as an intellectual. I'm more of a Herminone Granger in the Harry Potter trio. My friends have always said that I think things beyond the understanding of many. I think too much. And this is my flaw. I rely too much to scientific and logical explanations that I fail to account emotions into the equation. I find it hard to feel anything other than fear (sobrang matatakutin at magugulatin ako, the only emotions I am well acquainted with). Really hard. That's why I commend my partner for breaking through the wall. Because he made me feel. That's something.

There's one thing I do know. As an intellectual, I know what is right and wrong based from the points of consideration.  But knowing what is right is different from doing and it makes the guilt that comes after it far more worse. And to cope with the guilt, I tend to lean on the understanding that everything is a rational response. As have said by Newton, for every action is an equal reaction. Knowing that this is a response from something that has happened before gives me the illusion that the guilt shouldn't be there.

A guilt. The lightning that struck the heart.

The conscience. The thunder that echoed through the mind.

I'm currently under a storm and I'm going to dance under it.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

And it crept in - the prequel

"Alam mo ba kung saan ang Pasong Tamo?" a guy suddenly appeared beside me and asked.

I was walking on my way home after a heavy leg session at the gym. My pace was fast as I wanted to catch the bus back to Laguna. I barely noticed the people at the street, the festive scene usually on a Friday night, people eating street foods, singing at a nearby bar, and kids playing on the streets. I did not notice the guy who tried to catch up with me and asked for directions.

"Ah, you just have to take a..." I told him the directions. He kept walking beside me.

"Bago lang kasi ako rito. Almost a month. Kaya di ko pa alam paikot-ikot rito." he said. I can't believed that the guy was starting a conversation. I was not interested in what he was saying. I watched his face. His face was rather cute. His looks are pretty much above average. He's about the same height as I. He had this innocent look etched across his face. It made me feel comfortable but still uninterested. His body type is pretty much average, not thin but not fat.

We kept walking. We passed by a group of gays eating some barbecues. 

"Nagbubuhat ka ba?" he asked.

"Yes. Dun sa may.... Mas malinis kasi kaysa sa duon sa malapit samin."

"Ah ganun ba. Balak ko rin kasi sana magbuhat." he said.

"Ah, tuwing gabi naman ako nagbubuhat ngayon. Kung interested ka, diretsuhin mo lang itong street na ito pabalik at makikita mo na yung gym."

"Magkano per hour?"

"Hmmmm, ang isang session 50php lang pero kapag one month 600php at kapag three months naman 1,200php."

"Ah, ganun ba. Mura lang pala. Malinis naman?" he asked.

"Oo naman. Tuwing gabi nga lang medyo marami nagbubuhat kaya kung gusto mo medyo maluwag, sa umaga ka magbuhat." I answered. I was really getting scared at this point. Why was this guy still walking beside me? Holdaper ba ito?

"Exchange numbers?" he asked suddenly.

"Ha? Um." Probably a booty call then.

"Wala kasi ako masyado kakilala rito."

"Sige. Eto number ko, 09XX-XXX-XXXX." I was thinking of not giving my real number but I decided otherwise.

"Sige miscall ko na," he said. Good thing I gave him my real number.

We arrived at the main road. 

"Dito na tayo. Magjeep ka lang tapos makakarating ka na ng Pasong Tamo." I told him.

"Okay lang ba makipagkwentuhan muna?"

We exchanged introductions.

I really found some loneliness on his face. I gave in. We talked for a while until a question came up that made me curious of his sexuality.

"May girlfriend ka ba?" he asked me.

"Um, may partner ako." I answered slightly truthfully.

"Paanong partner?" he asked further. My annoyance at this guy grew.

"Basta, mahabang kwento."

"Pero kayo naman?"

"Oo. May commitment." 

He suddenly answered a call on his phone. I was seriously thinking of leaving him but I thought that he might get angry and get back on me when our paths cross again. We did meet within the neighborhood. The phone call ended.

"Tutal na-open na rin lang. Pwede maging tayo?" he dropped.

My jaw dropped.

"Ano?"

"A hinde naman. I mean..." he was trying to save himself from embarrassment.

"Ang bilis mo naman. Sobra ha. Tska committed ako."

He fell silent.

"I need to go. Medyo nilalamig na ako. Di kasi ako nakapagdala ng extrang shirt pamalit."

"Ah, okay. Text me."

I left.

I took a shower after I arrived at the apartment. I may not be able to catch the bus at that time so I decided to go to Laguna the next day instead. I received a text message from him right after my shower. A series of text messages were exchanged until...

"Pwede ba ako makitulog sa inyo?" a message from him read. I stopped for a moment. Medyo makapal ang mukha. 

"Ha?"

"Malolock na kasi ako sa labas ng bedspace. Lalampas na ako ng curfew."

I thought deeply. I have 8 other housemates. The house is quite large and we can still move around despite of our number. What would my housemates say about this? Plus, do I leave this guy on the streets? He could just rent a motel room.

I went downstairs.

"Hey, I have a friend coming over later. Na-lock daw siya sa bedspace nila." 

Permission granted and I found the guy in my room. If he ever tried to steal our things, he's definitely outnumbered plus the locks at the apartment are quite good. But he doesn't seem interested in our things. He was quite shy plus he doesn't have any pockets in which he could hide things from us in case he'll still some of ours.

"Type mo ba ako?"

I was caught by surprise. I told him his looks are above average but he's not my type. 

He told me a little bit of his background. He's from Cebu. He's hired as a seaman and he's in Manila for some training. He was previously hired as someone in promotions at Ayala mall in Cebu. I asked if he could speak Cebuano since I had Cebuano blood but cannot understand the local dialect. 

Time to turn in. My back facing him and I was about to go to sleep.

"Yapusin mo ako."

I hesitated. Why is it so hard for me to say no at this kind of situation? I find it easy to say no at other situations after weighing the options and its consequences but at this kind of situation I always find myself utterly helpless. Anyway, I think I'm safe. He's the one threading at our house.

I hugged him.

"Okay lang," he said.

"Ha?" 

"Okay lang na hawakan mo." I got mad. Who does he think he is? I was not even interested in him.

"Hawakan mo na. Sige na." he insisted.

I got scared. 

"Dali na. Hawakan mo na." he pushed my hand inside his shorts. I could feel his cock throbbing.

"Himasin mo," he directed. Should I shout? What would my housemates think?

He kissed me. Everything went like a blur. 

"Ganyan lang ba katigas yung sayo?" he asked while holding my dick.

"E di naman kita type e tska ayoko naman sayo." I asked with a bit of hate.

"Isubo mo."

"Ayoko."

"I-lick mo lang."

I kissed the shaft of his cock instead. Just to silence him. "Ayoko nga," I told him.

He suddenly went on top of me.

"May condom ka?"

"Wala." My anger increasing. I was really thinking of shouting. But I was thinking of what my housemates might think as well. They thought I was straight.

He checked for something in his purse. I could see precome seeping from the tip of his dick.

"Di ko na lang ipapasok." 

He tried to dryhump between my legs then suddenly I felt the tip of his cock on the entrance of my buttcrack. I pushed him with my feet. He continued dryhumping between my legs instead and then he pushed the shaft of his cock instead against my butt. He never did inserted his penis.

He masturbated and he came. His seeds spilling all over my body.

My face was full of guilt and hatred. He looked at me.

"Galit ka ba?" he asked in his most innocent tone as I took my clothes.



I was disappointed with myself. How come I was not able to fight back? I love my partner but why do I find myself in this kind of situation? And I'm scared. I don't even know if this is a HIV risk. There was no full penetration and I only felt the tip of his cock on the entrance of my butt crack. But what about the pre-come? Could this situation put me at risk?

And most importantly, I hate myself for not having the courage to fight back. What could have happened? I love my partner. I want my virginity to be taken by him. Him only. He has waited long and he has agreed to wait until I'm ready. I love him. He's the perfect guy for me not this guy who.... UGH!

1 message received.

"Pwede ba sumama sayo sa Laguna? Sarili kong gastos don't worry." the guy asked.

Number deleted.