Saturday, November 30, 2013

Factory defect

Generally, in a manufacturing set-up, defects are discarded as they don't contribute to the value of its intended purpose. They don't function as designed because of certain reasons such as physical inability, aesthetic error, or they don't simply work at all. They are anomalies, the ones that stick out from the group. They are put away at the sidelines, can be recycled if possible, but are left nonetheless.

As humans, we are actually manufactured by the One and Great Designer of all things. In a sense, He has manufactured us, made us out of clay as the Bible, His word according to my beliefs, has stated. He used genetics, the code of our physical make-up, and used social structures and settings to program how we think and act. How we turn out to be is all according to His plan, for whatever reason, for whatever outcome, the final result is according to how He will play us out in this big game called life. A big game in which we're not even sure who His opponent is. 

I am a creation of God.

But am I a defect? As a homosexual, being sexually incapable of procreation, am I considered a defect?

No offense to readers, but please do understand that I may be out and open about my sexuality but I'm still having a hard time accepting how I turned out to be. Funny and ironic because some people might say, "Hey, you're already 21-yrs old. You're not a late bloomer so you should get over it." But sorry, I really still am confused on how to accept this part of me with people telling me, "You're a child of the devil." so kindly have some patience to stomach my own point of view of my personal issue.

I've been thinking this for quite a while now, I, as a homosexual, can't procreate. I can't do what I'm designed for, to be able to consummate with another woman and create another human being to this world. I, as a homosexual, is incapable of one of the supposed designs for a man thus I can fall to the category of "defective".

Some people say, "I'm born this way," comparing themselves to eunuchs, those who are castrated in order to prevent themselves from spilling viable seeds for impregnation. 

Some people say, "I became this," referring to homosexuality as a result of social constructs.

Either way, Church views homosexuality as a sin. Abominable. 

And either way, either explanation, may it be because of whatever gay gene one may possess or whatever social constructs that resulted to it, I still can't accept the fact that I'm a homosexual and to my own eyes I'm a defect. As stated before, defects are discarded.

I'm a defect and as suicidal as this may sound, I should be discarded. People generally tells us homosexuals that we don't have a place in this world. What if they were right? 

Should I even be allowed to live?  

Or was it like before, what the blacks and the women have fought for? Equal rights? Blacks and women were considered lowly before and were not allowed to enjoy the rights they now have but because they fought for it, now they have it. Is it the same for us? Or different since surely they were born that way?

Will I have the answers? Will God provide the answers that I seek? They say that the Bible has the answers but with all these translations and interpretations its so hard to pick which to believe.

I am left without any answers.

And as usual, this post will be ended with, "I don't know." We don't have all the answers but that doesn't makes us stupid. In reverse, having all the answers doesn't make one intelligent but asking about what we know or not know makes us one. 

In time, answers will be given. May it be from the Bible, may it be from Him, or may it be from any source, answers, I believe, will be given. 

But as for now, I'm still in a journey towards self-acceptance. I mean come-on, how could I expect everyone else to accept the beauty of this creation if I can't even accept myself? I'm still in this journey but I'm definitely not in a hurry. In this journey of self-acceptance, I might make the wrong turn, take a detour, and even turn back, but the important thing is getting there. I might get broken, people will make me or break me, but I'll comfort myself with the fact that once I've accepted myself that's already one person who accepts me and that's what all matters, isn't it?

That's what matters to me. To accept myself and not feel guilty for being who I am. To be able to enjoy this world without guilt and only acceptance is what I've been looking forward to the most.

I wish this for myself and for all of you as well.


*****



  1. "Well... yeah. I mean, everyone here says I'm just a mistake and that I wasn't even supposed to exist. What do you expect?" - Vanellope, Wreck-it-Ralph (2012)


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Sunday, November 24, 2013

70 posts (including drafts) later

Out of boredom, I decided to backread my own blog and I didn't know I was in for a real throwback. Every story I've posted, every word, was like a rope enveloping my body and taking me to some not-so distant past and leaving me jaw dropped. Every post has its own tone. I actually noticed a change in each post, as if the blog has been written by different people, sharing same beliefs, differing little in tone, but a growth can be noticed. I honestly felt as if I'm reading someone else's blog.

A year ago, I was single. I was teary-eyed whenever I watched gay love stories, crawling over youtube posts for gay-related content, and reading books about homosexuality. I was never in the closet (a little bit when I'm with the family) but I never had the chance to bloom. As if this important area of my personality has been shunned. A year ago, I was bullied because of my sexual preference. This was not the first time but it pulled the last straw. It made me cry and it made me strong. I vented out my anger and despair in this blog and this blog witnessed the change brought by it.

A little less than a year ago, I met my partner and went on my first date. I never knew that someone like him would actually fall for a guy like me and looking back I'm blessed to have met him and fallen for him. A little less than a year ago, I was smitten by love. I tried to be the best that I can be for him but he showed me that I'm already enough. But still, that didn't stop me to improve. A little less than a year ago, I decided to take care of my health and started doing cardio and went to the gym to lift weights. I fell in love with lifting, I always look forward to it at the end of the day.

A few months after meeting partner, I learned he was about to be assigned to Bicol after accepting a job offer he can't refuse. I can never forget the morning after learning the news, I was doing my morning cardio and the music I was listening put the words my heart wanted to cry out. I cannot remember what song nor the lyrics but the emotions that ran through me were still vivid. The sinking feeling gave by the thought of not having partner at my side physically has left me exhausted and non-animated. Thoughts ran through my head but hearing my partner's voice over the phone has left me reassured of the love we share. That we will withstand the distance and our love will remain.

Seven months ago, I gave my partner my "yes". Under the night sky, inside a tent during our vacation in Anawangin, with strangers surrounding the tent, laughing to their hearts' content, you dropped the question I've been waiting for five months. You asked my hand and I gave my heart. I gave my trust and I gave my love. For the first time, I felt dependent on the existence of my partner, as if I wouldn't live without him by my side. A feeling I was afraid of as I was used to living on my own, independent, and knowing that I'm making myself vulnerable to him, with the walls I've built for years crumbled down because of his love, scared me. I learned to take risk because in love, risks are always involved. But as we got along the way, I learned and I felt that this dependency on partner is actually a feeling a of security. That everything will be all right as long as we have each other.

Six months ago, I got curious of the trappings of sex. Hahaha. Yes, I confessed my virginity, I still am (UGH!), and I went out looking for books and blogs about it. Six months ago, I became curious of the dynamics of sexuality and tried to explore its corners.

Five months ago, I cheated. I prefer to think of it as cheating against my will but still I can't change the fact that I cheated. I told my partner what happened. It was the first big fight we had. I don't even know if I should consider that a fight since he didn't get mad. Nonetheless, I still inflicted pain. That cry over the phone, after telling him what happened, will forever echo in my mind. I was forgiven by him, fortunately, and I'm grateful for it. Five months ago, my faith has been challenged and I appreciated all the comments readers gave to that post. Five months ago, I've secretly learned of the sexual preference of my younger brother, that we are playing on the same team. I decided that I have to open myself, little by little, to my brother so I could guide him in making the right decisions and not make the mistakes I've made myself.

Four months ago, my relationship with partner became long-distance officially.

Three months ago, I tried to tackle bullying in my blog. I've witnessed bullying in front of my eyes and I tried to look back at the time when I was bullied. I was inspired to stop bullying and I wanted to make a change in my own little way. Three months ago, I asked my partner why monthsaries don't seem to be special to him. I asked him why we were not celebrating monthsaries. I reminded myself to deal with the relationship one day at a time and months shouldn't be counted.

Two months ago, an earthquake has hit Cebu and I was left shaken. I got scared and I prayed that my relatives were okay. I realized that no matter how good a person can be God will always be in control. Two months ago, I introduced my partner to my sister, a step-up to the relationship as I saw it.

One month ago, I told readers about my fetish on bondage and I got mix reactions. One month ago, typhoon Yolanda struck and I got scared for it hit partner's workplace. I was helpless. I prayed as I received his text, "Nakakatakot na po rito, bunso." Yolanda stripped away lives and up until now, my prayers are with those who are affected. One month ago, I've hurt my friend and I'm still trying to save the friendship.

This year, I was single, I fell in love, I cheated, and we made up.

This year, I explored more about my sexuality. This year, I was and still am a virgin (anally hahahah).

This year I made friends. Readers became my friends as well.

This year was pretty eventful and thanks to this blog for being with me, recording important events of my life, acting as the repository of my thoughts, and being a friend to whom I confide to everything, Thanks to this blog I met my readers, awesome and interesting people I want to know deeper. I am forever grateful to this blog. I may not be sure how frequent I can update this blog nor how long this will be kept alive.

But for now, all I know is, I am glad to have this blog.

Seventy-posts (including drafts) later and here I am still blogging. A little bit different from the blogger a year before but still the same one way or another.

Happy anniversary, FiftyShadesOfQueer. Happy birthday.

*****







Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Quickie: Of friends and relationships

I guess it's true. When you're in a relationship, it's better to stay away from other guys despite of being friends only. At the very least, slowly detach or rather weaken the bond. Setting the boundaries is not enough because one may step over the line and get hurt. Detachment may be a better option. Heartaches and tears could have been prevented.

Now, I'm writing the saddest love letter I've ever written. It's for you my friend. I'm having a hard time writing it and I actually felt a tear well up on the corner of my eye. I'm such a cry-baby. I'm not sure if the friendship could be saved but at the very least let's have some closure.

I haven't realized that the feelings you felt for me were genuine.

Sorry for being insensitive.

And I miss you.

Posted via Blogaway


Posted via Blogaway

Monday, November 11, 2013

The name that blew the Philippines

Yolanda has left me devastated. I may not be affected physically nor my loved ones but seeing the news left me with grief.

I will never forget how scared I was when I learned Yolanda was to pass through Bicol. That's where my partner is currently assigned. I told partner to take care and not to push his plans of getting home for the weekend. He went to buy groceries ahead so that they have food over the storm. Despite of the preparations, I can't help myself but be worried so I showered him with texts asking if he was okay.

Friday night came and Yolanda struck. I followed the news religiously and constantly asked partner how he was. Partner wasn't able to hide his feelings and said, "Bunso, nakakatakot na rito."

If only I was with him and to tuck him under my arms but I stood here in Manila helpless. I was not able to do anything and only words of comfort I offered. I tried not to cry, a feat since I can be a crybaby at times, because I didn't want him to worry. I hated the feeling of not being able to do anything. I'm his partner. I should do something. But the circumstances held me stunned in place. This was the first challenge of our long-distance relationship and I found it quite difficult not being physically present to comfort partner. Yolanda has shakened me and my relationship, the bond partner and I shared was subjected to pressure.

*****

Fortunately, partner came out of it safe and well but I cannot say the same for all. Haiy. I grief for those who have been affected by Yolanda especially those from Tacloban. My prayers are with you.

And to readers, I urge you to help in your own way. A canned good can go long for those victims of Yolanda. It's time for us to step up. Expressing grief online is one thing, actually helping is another. Words are powerful but it won't magically turn to food, clothes nor shelter. Let's do our part and act.


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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Draft. Bondage. Fetish. Sex.


I've been writing this blog post for quite a few days now and I'm having a hard time since the piece is out of my comfort zone. Anyway, I'm trying to finish it since I want this piece to get published. This post is challenging for me since I changed my tone and style here, I think, and I'm not sure how this will turn out.

I decided to share to you an excerpt so at least, if I will not be able to finish it, a part of it still gets published. Enjoy.

*****

"Uh, sir you're good."

You went down to his chest and devoured his nipples with fluctuating intensity so that the guy will have time to breathe. The little guy writhed, tossed and turned, and you enjoyed every gasp that escaped from his mouth when you lightly nipped his nipples. Your tongue played with his nipples with hard thrusts as you noticed his tied hands trying to grab your dick. "It's time," you told yourself.

You stood up. "Get up," you said once again. He got up slightly nearing your crotch. Your already excited dick grew larger as you saw his nose neared. "Suck."

His tied hands went in and fumbled with your towel. "No," you commanded. "Use your mouth." His hands dropped immediately. Obedient. Nice. His face went near and his mouth slightly parted exposing his teeth. He bit your towel and loosen it and your dick slapped his face in the process.

"That's better. You're a good boy, aren't you?"

"Can I please see your dick, sir?" he asked.

You thought, why not? His eyes are too good to be blindfolded. "Later, my boy. I'll remove that later. I promise you."


*****

So, there you have it. FiftyShadesOfQueer finally decided to write about Christian 'Gay' of his blog. Does this mean will you see CG in future blog posts? We'll see.

Side note: I'm not a fan of the Fifty Shades trilogy nor have I read any of those. I'm not a fan as well of BDSM.