Sunday, December 14, 2014

HELP. SOS. ASAP.

Help. What happened to my account. I've heard of virus in blogger but I am only aware of spam comments etc. I'm not sure what this is. My feed has been flooded by gibberish posts. Any help would be greatly appreciated.



posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Get tested. Protect and love.

Hi dear readers,

Thanks for going with me through the journey called life. I'm finally gathering strength after the breakup. I can't say I have finally moved on but I'm getting there. We still have contact though and the love I have for him is still there. Should I break off the communication or not?

I was wondering if the breakup and the events that happened after should be blogged. Anyway, this is my journal. Maybe someday, I will backread and learn something from all of this.

Getting to the real point of this post which is to advertise this one big event my organization will be doing this coming November 29. I hope some readers will be able to participate. Please do come.




I know, getting tested can induce fear but it always pay to know your status. Let's gather courage because when we know our status we protect our loved ones, we protect ourselves.

Protect the goal. Let's lower the infection rate and ultimately eliminate HIV. This is our duty to our loved ones, our partner, and ourselves.

To sign up:

PROTECT & LOVE MANILA - Free HIV Testing for Men. Happening on Nov. 29, 2014 at Victoria Court North EDSA, Quezon City. Sign up here: go.loveyourself.ph/protectandlove

Also, please do repost this to your blog. I will greatly appreciate it.

Love lots,

FiftyShadesOfQueer

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, October 27, 2014

Still in contact

We're still in contact and we're still fighting.

I fail to reply to some of his messages, he gets mad and I get accused of sleeping around, waking up in another bed, and beside with another man.

"I feel offended. Don't you have trust in me? How can I have the hope of this, us, getting fixed if you can't even trust me? When doubts still loom?" I asked.

"It's not you that I don't trust. I don't trust myself."

Does this mean he doesn't trust himself to man up and fight for whatever is left in our relationship? Does this mean that I'm waiting in vain? That all my hope is for nothing?

Will he fight for us? Stand by us?

Will he choose me? I made a promise that I'll wait for him to come back, that we will still grow old together, that what we have is worth fighting for.

Stop. He left. Already. He chose self preservation. Your love for each other is not strong enough.

Your love has already ended.

But I'm willing to live in delusion.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Something and someone better

Still not able to continue the story. Hopefully this weekend.

But things that bugged my mind pre and post breakup I truly am ready to share:

"Why do love ones leave us behind?"

"You deserve someone better. Ditch the jerk," a friend said.

"Deserving better doesn't have to be from someone else," another friend said. Different setting. Different place. Two unrelated friends giving me advice in a time of need.

Did I make the right decision?

Why do people enter a relationship without the having the sense of responsibilith to preserve it?

Why does love have to end?

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Hurt yet numb

Even with all the words I would like to scream and let out and with all the words I would like to put on paper, the pain still holds me back into silence, darkness, and confusion. As much as I would like to update this blog, continue the series of not so fortunate (or maybe fortunate) events that supposedly continues the previous blog post, revisiting the past causes so much pain and disappointment to the point that I lay down in defeat helpless to write anything.

And the funny thing is, with all these pain, I feel numb. Yes, numb. I feel empty. I feel pain yet at the same time I feel empty. At first, I was confused. How could someone feel hurt yet numb? Today I got my answer.

Because today I realized that my love left me, keeping with him all my feelings and emotions invested. My whole future supposedly with him snatched away leaving me shattered into pieces.

As these shattered pieces lay untouched, as I feel the pain and at the same time emptiness, I am slowly losing my values and beliefs. As much as I like to hide it, I could do nothing but admit defeat and embrace change. Embrace the fact that there is no such thing as forever because everything has an ending. Everything has a period. Embrace the fact that man is inclined towards self preservation. Embrace the fact that there are some love not strong enough to defeat this inclination. That there are just some love that may end.

Love stinks.
posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Tarot Card - Prequel


*beep*

A flash from my phone. A message from a friend.



I left the message hanging as I remembered the cards read last night by an old lady at Greenfield District. That night, as we celebrated our eighteenth monthsary, I decided to do some investigative journalism and see how much a bunch of lies and mysticism would cost. Little did I know that I was in for a surprise.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

22 Candles

I turned 22 around three weeks ago and I felt a little bit older. Some say I'm still young but to be honest I don't feel I am at all. I feel old and, let's face it, no one is getting younger. No matter how we hold on to our young selves, we have to let it go and move on in order to make progress. In the process of letting go, we learn new things about ourselves that might take us by surprise. As we move on, we are shedding off our old skins and we are showing off someone new. We might not necessarily like it (we don't have to) but we learn to deal with and accept our own changes.

Because sometimes, it doesn't mean we have changed...

we just thought we have already known ourselves completely.

So, here are my 22 candles. Each I blow off one by one. Each a realization. Each an experience during the past 22 years of my existence.

1. I thought I will never eat vegetables but I recently have included colorful veggies in my diet. I love it now.

2. I have always believed in the goodness of people but some people are cruel to the core.

3. Confidence was something I took pride of only to realize that my confidence masks my low self-esteem.

4. I was never into physical activities but I learned I love lifting weights and I'm beginning to have an interest in learning martial arts.

5. Despite being an extrovert, I exhibit certain introvert characteristics. I'm a mixture of the two. I can befriend you right away or I might shy away from you. No certain indicators lead to neither path.

6. I firmly believed that sex should be done within the grounds of a faithful relationship. Presently, I believe that sex between friends is possible as long as the two can handle the conditions that come after sex. Not that I have had sex already. Just a realization.

7. I thought I was being pure by holding myself back from my sexual urges. Looking back, I think I was being prude. I've been sexually immature and now I'm working on it step by step. Learning is all about pacing.

8. I pictured myself growing up having hairless chest because none of my cousins nor my uncles have hair on theirs. Alas, I'm growing some chest hairs!

9. I thought being gay means burning in hell. Now, I'm having a hard time believing there is a hell. I've been a religious Catholic, an open-minded Atheist and a devout Born Again Christian. Now, I am left between Atheism and Protestantism. Nonetheless, I believe there is a God, it's impossible that there is none considering what does exists. But at the same time, I find it hard to believe in a God considering humans exist. The explanations behind my beliefs deserve a post by itself.

10. Before, lunch or merienda means having a burger, large fries and coke, and a rice meal brought from fastfood restaurants. Now, you will never catch me eating fastfood.

11. I hated rain. As I grew up, I learned to love the philosophical feel rain brings as it washes away uncertainty.

12. I have accepted that love comes in different forms and sizes. That there is love between three people and if these three people were able to make love work, who am I to judge?

13. Luck does exists but it is not as mystical as I have believed. It is merely a combination of circumstances beyond our control that may directly or indirectly affect us. 

14. Love is an attraction towards the totality of the person. I formerly believed that as long as the inside is attractive, love will thrive. But I was wrong. What you see physically is also important. Let's face the hard truth.

15. Sex is okay. It's not disgusting nor is it a sin. Before, sex outside the comforts of a relationship is disgusting until I came across the word recreational sex. 

16. I thought writing is easy. It is hard work!

17. Being employed is not as glamorous as I thought it was when I was in college. I was in a hurry to graduate and get employed but now I can't wait to study again. Graduate school, please? Resources please.

18. Not all gays are loud as I used to believe. I now have gay friends, actually I only have two I can actually call as real friends and they're very interesting and fun to be with. I like how I learn more about them and what they do. I may be silent when I'm with them but usually because I like listening to them. Finally, I have friends from the "same team."

19. "We are masters of our own decisions," a friend said. We once argued about the morality of cheating and how rampant it has become. I reasoned out that in cheating, it is not always the fault of the cheater but there are also contributing factors from the one being cheated on. Despite of this, he said that our decisions are only based partly with these external factors and we should be its largest driver.

20. Our worst critics is ourselves. I may not be as ugly as I think I am. Nonetheless, I still think I'm ugly. Thank goodness partner is there to convince me otherwise.

21. Birthdays lose its essence at some point. I'm nearing that point.

22. I have always thought that I am matured for my age. I realized that just like my sexuality, along the two extremes of maturity, I'm standing in between.

Cheers to the past 22 years and looking forward to many more years to live by.



Image credits: http://cdn.thedailymeal.com/

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Rubber and lube

"Tuwad ka na. Dun ka sa pader," I nervously went to the side I was directed to. My hands sweating. I looked around the room trying to find a way out.

"Pwede pong wag na lang? I'm saving this for someone special," I said. I was expecting to be excused out of the room, to get out of doing the deed but all I heard was silence.

"Dun ka na. Saglit lang ito."

I heard rubber being put on and a bottle being pumped. I heard some lube being slathered.

I tensed.

"Tanggalin mo na pantalon mo."

I loosened my belt. Beads of sweat dropping from my temples. The cold temperature provided by the airconditioning unit did not help.

"Ibaba mo pa."

I lowered my pants further along with my white briefs.

"Ibaba mo pa. Sa ilalim ng tuhod mo."

I did. I prayed hard everything will go all right.

I felt a hand went over my waist positioning me futher down. I stiffened. A finger went in without warning and explored my depths. I felt my muscles contracted further clamping around the finger. As I tightened, pain registered.

The finger went out.

Finished. Finally.

"Everything seems normal. You have great physique and you are very much healthy. Continue doing what you are doing."

I let out a sigh of relief.

My physical examination went well.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, July 4, 2014

Skin Update 07052014

So, here I go again. I decided to blog the results of my skin regime so I can better deduce which works for me and not.

I recently went back to derma and bought the following products: Pore Minimizer toner, Night Cream #1, and Clinderm Solution. Formerly, I use the GT Witch hazel toner but I figured out that my skin was not improving a bit using it. It might have been aggravating it further in fact. So, after buying the products, I went to the drug store and bought Contractubex gel to help me with my pimple marks hoping that it will help fade these away faster. I heard HiruScar is effective but it's very difficult to find so I settled for Contractubex.

Currently, my regime goes like this.

In the morning:
1. I wash my face using Mestiza soap or Kojie-san.
2. I tone using the Pore Minimizer toner.
3. I use the Contractubex for my pimple marks.

In the evening:
1. I wash my face using Mestiza soap or Kojie-san.
2. I tone using Celeteque Acne Solutions toner. I opted not to use the Clinderm solution since it's an antibacterial toner and it might aggravate my acne further when my face gets used to it. This will mean treating the acne harder than before.
3. Apply Salicylic acid spot treatment.
4. Apply Contractubex.
5. Apply Night Cream #1.

Okay, as for the findings of the current regime, I found out that the existing acne has probably turned inactive as it has been reduced to dark marks but the problem is new small ones and a few cystic acne came up. So, I kind of assessed the history of my regime before to isolate the culprit. Before, I patronized the products from my trusted derma then I decided to buy store bought products. One of them is Celeteque. Looking back, I've developed acne but not as serious as now. Probably, Celeteque could have been the culprit as there are small ones and a cystic acne or two appeared. The seriousness of my present acne might have been produced by the GT Witch Hazel toner which I've discontinued using. As for the Contractubex, I'm still hoping that this is not a culprit of the new acne. I've used this before and I didn't get any flare ups. Plus, the new existing acne seems to be growing at certain areas only and some of the areas to which I apply the gel seems to be a little bit okay. The salicylic acid spot treatment may be removed soon. It doesn't seem to do that good. I mean, It does dries up the pimples but new pimples still pop up so it's tiring to spot treat always. I might spot treat only for the cystic ones.

So, I'm planning to shake things up by removing the Celeteque Acne Solutions toner from my regime and replacing it with the Pore Minimizer. Crossing fingers that the acne will stop appearing and the existing ones fade away. I'm being told by my parents that I look ugly because of it and I only get depressed further.

Btw, readers, if you have any recommended store brought toners (in case my stock gets used up though I'm planning to buy three of everything from my derma), kindly comment your recommendations in the comment box below. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Hugs and kisses.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Without any guilt

"Gusto mo bang hawakan?" He said as he was driving his car along the roads of Taguig heading to Buendia. We just finished watching the latest installment of Transformers and it was late in the night that he offered me a ride back home.

I gave in to his "request". I've been prudent for so long and all I wanted to do was to finally release the heat I've stored.

"Mukhang malaki ah," I remarked as my hand caressed his length slowly, starting from the base towards the head. I felt it throbbed for a bit.

"Maliit pa nga yan."

"Malaki na yan," my other hand slightly brushed my lips as I assure my slightly parted lips was not covered with drool.

"Gusto mo isubo?"

I looked outside. Despite being in the main road, the cars seemed busy themselves making us sure that we will not be noticed. The lights around Manila was bright giving the city a comforting glow as if saying, "Go ahead."

My face went near his crotch. He removed his seatbelt to give me better access and I removed mine to position myself better. I surrounded my teeth with my lips and swallowed his wood. I was able to swallow his whole length with only a bit of difficulty, I only gagged a few times.

"Teka may jeep," he said as the traffic light turned red.

I went back to my sitting position. Once the light signalled a go, I went back to pleasuring him. My rythm became faster. His cock is already filling my mouth with precum.

"Ang dami mong precum."

"Marami talaga ako magprecum."

I heard his groan. I believe he was pleasured. His hand suddenly explored my back until it found my bum. He tried to slide between my jeans but my belt restricted him accessed. I stopped sucking his cock and loosened my jeans.

"Ang sarap ng pwet mo ah."

He explored my ass, his fingers lightly tracing my crack. Meanwhile, I on the other hand was busy servicing his dick. I felt his hand leave my butt and went to my head forcing it down lightly. I went faster and faster, precum spilling over my mouth until...



I realized we were near my apartment. I straightened myself, bummed out from not having finished our activity. I told him to stop at the corner where I should get off.

"Magkikita pa naman tayo db?" He asked.

"Oo naman."

"Text ka pag nasa bahay ka na."

"Kaw din."

I left his car and walked away. The last time I did this, I was flooded with guilt. This time it was different.

This shall be kept a secret.

*****

"Good morning."

"Breakfast ka na."

"Magmeryenda ka na."

Today, my texts remained unanswered. I guess I really am just good enough for a booty call. Nonetheless, I will always be ready if he needs a companion because I surely need one as well.
posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Cheating

I think I am about to cheat with a guy I consider as a jerk who seems to be only interested with what my body has to offer and nothing else. I am bothered not by the idea but rather I am bothered that I am about to do it now. That as I remember my ideals for the past 20 years, I realized that my love for my partner has changed me so much that those ideals are mere wishful thinking of a life that will never be.

To you, partner, I believe you already sense what I am about to do as your texts suddenly gone cold since last night. You have always been complacent that without improvements my love for you will always make me choose you. You never say sorry unless I reach out to you and you had the nerve to threaten me to leave me in the streets after waiting for you for so long just to see you. I have always believed that love between two people can make them grow individually and as a couple but "US" has become stagnant and dull.

Sometimes love can get tired as it whitles into ashes and the flame between two people dies. I've tried so much to reignite it but you unconsciously blew the fire away leaving me in cold darkness I am an alien of.

To the guy who seems to be interested only in my body, I'll let you take advantage of my current state. Even though I am afraid you may not like me, my insecurities heightened as I look in the mirror trying to look my best, I assure myself that one date and maybe a post date activity is enough. That there are no strings attached between us. Some may say that I'm just being used by you in order to release the pent up sexual urges but in reality I am using you to live a fantasy away from my shattered love life. We are only hurting each other. The one who comes out of this with the most wounds lose and I'm pretty sure I will do my best that it will not be me.

I guess I have become jaded. Maybe love is really just an illusion. If it is real, it may not be for me. Because I have believed that I have found love in the man I call partner but instead I found disrespect.

Disrespect which I learned to do to myself as I imagine waking up in a room unfamiliar with a man I do not call as partner.

Now I understand why people cheat. I realized that in the context of cheating in a relationship, putting blame is difficult to do. Each party may be at fault and each may deserve a certain degree of blame. But cheating may provide a perfect bliss, an escape from despair and in the end may fix the broken even if it is only temporary .

Should I break up with you, partner? Why do I have to resort to cheating?

Because there's still a part of me tirelessly wishing that all will be all right between us and that part of me is patiently reasserting me from what I am about to do.

Haiy.

Cheers to new experience insight.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, June 27, 2014

Keeping in mind

... that nothing lasts forever. It makes endings less painful.

posted from Bloggeroid

It shows on the face

How a husband treats his wife shows on the wife's face.

Pimples. Pursed lips. A friend noted how my eyes has lost its spark. Haiyayaiy.

posted from Bloggeroid

Lapses

How many lapses should I let pass by? I'm getting tired and the relationship is bearing weight I cannot handle anymore. I'm tired of being sad and disappointed.

Then again, I have my own faults and lapses. Who am I to look at his?

I guess because I exert effort to change which I am asking from him in return.

I want to end this. I don't see this bearing fruit.

Forever is a fantasy. Nothing lasts forever and everything is temporary. Emotions are temporary especially.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fallen

I've fallen in love.
Now I'm falling out of it.
Keep me, please. I beg.

Haiku of the fallen soldier of love

posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Between delusion and reality

"Because it’s so easy, isn’t it, to fool yourself that things are what they really aren’t, simply because you want it so badly?" -Margie, Rappler 2014

Sometimes I just don't want to think of anything at all. I'll just go with the flow this time. My brain doesn't function at all and I don't know if what I think I'm seeing is real or just wishful thinking. Maybe, I'm at your mercy. You're kind and insensitive at the same time and all I wish to remember and think is you and your kind acts. The acts I've been holding onto and enjoy. Maybe you really are kind and you really do take care of me and you being insensitive is just you being clueless and forgetful.

What if I move that the relationship should be opened? Will I dare date other guys? Are there any other guys that will look past behind my physical imperfections, the pimples and all? Or am I doomed to be alone without you? That you are the first last, and only guy who will settle for me? The only one who will settle little old me, who thinks too much, pa-virgin, and ugly? In this sexually charged community, is love really hard to find? Don't I have that already?

Why me? Why am I even in a relationship in the first place? Aren't all relationships doomed to fail at one point? That some relationships only survive for we have clinged on the ideals we delusionally see to the point we lose sight of reality?

I have my own faults I believe. You have yours. Who am I to point out yours? Does that make me perfect?

I don't want to ask anymore. Lead me from delusion to reality.

I want to be part of your world as I am more than willing to make you part of mine. Compartmentalizing me is something I understand but to understand for how long is something I wonder.

I want to be assured. I want to fix this. I want everything to be okay.

Please, let me feel that. As you jokingly threaten to leave me in the streets, with your smile and all, while I point out you've been late for an hour and a half leaving me waiting while listening to how the rain beat the roof on last night, I felt scared. Who wouldn't? Am I not exerting enough effort to understand and fix things and yet there you were telling me that you will leave me if I point out how late you were. That I shouldn't test you and your patience. Have not I been patient enough?

How can I be assured that everything will be all right when everything has been a seesaw with you (there I go again asking questions with answers unsure)?

I guess life is just full of ups and downs.

You might become my downfall.

Brain stop thinking, please. Please, stop.

Evrything feels disconnected as I am left disoriented.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Looking for a reliable bb

So, as some of you may remember, I've blogged my goals for 2014 and one of them is having clear skin. The good news is I achieved it. The bad news is I get breakouts again.

I hate it. I achieved the skin I wanted years ago but one year ago the breakouts started again. I went to the derma a few months back and the flare ups went down but going to the derma is a hassle since the derma is located in my home province and I work here in the metro on weekdays. So when my medication runs out, I have no choice but to try store bought products which may have not been effective.

So, in line with this, I'm looking for a trusted beauty blog that I could rely on. A blog who cares about its readers and not the products it advertises. Care to suggest some, pretty please?

I miss having clear skin. Maybe I should stop stressing myself out. It might contribute with the breakouts as well.

------

P.S. I should totally throw my sister off her trail towards finding out about my lovelife. She's been pestering me if I'm going out with a 'girl' right now and has been asking me everytime we have lunch. Not to mention telling my parents 'si kuya kinikilig' everytime I smile while texting. Ugh. Intruding sister, oh how I love to strangle you using my biceps. Love you.

posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, June 7, 2014

E-mail from Sep

Di ako relationship expert huh, but I will try to answer your questions as logical as possible.
Una, ikaw yung nasa relationship. Ikaw yung in love, FSOQ, at hindi kami. Though malamang naranasan na rin namin umibig, hindi namin siyempre alam exactly ang nararamdaman mo.
Keeping in mind what I said above, I guess normal na reactions lang yung mga natanggap mo from us. Bilang tao, siyempre gusto natin sumaya di ba. Sino ba naman ang gustong maging malungkot o miserable? Nilagay namin yung sarili namin sa sitwasyon mo, at ang una naming naisip na solusyon ay ang makipaghiwalay. Why? Because yun naman ang reflex eh, ang umiwas sa unhealthy o nakakasama di ba. Ang problema lang ay hindi kami ang in love dun sa partner mo, kaya madali samin ang magsabi na hiwalayan mo na siya. Samantalang ikaw ay nahihirapan i-process yung advices namin kasi nga ikaw yung nagmamahal.

Tandaan mo, ang taong nagmamahal ay madalas hindi na nakakapag-isip ng maayos. Hindi kami yung in love kaya logical yung desisyon namin para sa'yo, ikaw vice-versa.
Also, ang negative kasi nung pagkakasulat mo sa post mo. Your post kasi seems to be a cry for help, that's why ganun ang responses namin. We want you to be okay, of course. Sometimes, however, the right decisions are those that are difficult to fathom and take. In other words, minsan, kung ano yung tama, yun yung mahirap tanggapin, pero we must go through them eventually.
Bata ka pa, FSOQ. Siguradong akong hindi pa siya ang huli mo.
Ikaw lang ang may hawak ng kaligayahan mo, wala sa amin. If you decide to end the relationship, we would understand if magiging depressing ang posts mo after. We would be here for you, to help you get through it. Pero if you decide to continue in spite of the negative things you told us about your partner, then I think it would be wise for you to stop being sad, and do not post complaints about your relationship anymore just to try and ask some sympathy from us. I am not trying to offend you or anything, I just want you to think hard.
Another thing with regards to your post is yung tungkol sa 'who loves more or less'. Normal yun, never magiging same level ang dalawang tao in a relationship. Sometimes, more is less and less is more, but it doesn't matter, really. The important thing you should keep in mind about love is not the amount, but rather the way one expresses it. And based on your post, it was clear that your partner treats you like a dispensable tool. You don't deserve that, do you? Time is one the best things you could give to someone important. It is a strong indicator of love. He can't give you time, ergo you are not that important. And therefore, you shouldn't make him a priority, when all you are to him is only an option. Sabi yan ni pareng Mark Twain.
PERO (yes, kailangan emphasized), hindi namin kilala personally ang partner mo. We have no idea about sa side niya, so what the hell do we know, right? Like I said, nasa sa'yo talaga yan.
Anyway, we should love not because of the act of love itself, but rather because we want to be happy. No matter what others say, romantic love is a selfish thing. If it doesn't bring you happiness, then why continue it?
Ayun lang. But before I go, let me share with you another quote by Anita Krizzan: "The minute you feel the need to fight for love, you've already lost it. Walk away. It's over."

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Hopelessly hoping

I'm still holding onto him. Because I still believe that deserving better doesn't have to be from another person. As tempting as it can be to break up from him, my love is far greater. And it might be that I'm waiting in vain for the changes to happen, for the progression of our relationship, but my patience can be further lengthened. This is just an obstacle I believe.

Funny, obstacle. It seems that he is the obstacle himself. The way he make promises he cannot keep. The way he laughs at my concerns as if they were no big deal. The way he brushes off my requests. Lastly, the way he makes me feel that I will never be a part of his family no mattee how long I will wait. I wonder. Are they simple concerns? Him making me wait for three hours for our date. How he laughs when I get angry when he's late. How he never sought for my opinion when he is writing a piece for a writing competition. Are those concerns not much of a deal to begin with? How he cancels our date so easily everytime for his family. How my time with him is always sacrificed. How he makes me feel that everything about me can be negotiated to his advantage?

Are those not enough to make me break down? Am I being too shallow? He didn't cheat. Shouldn't I be grateful of that

"You're concerns are deal breakers." A viber message from a good friend of mine said.

"Kasi it seems like youre the only one working hard in this relationship." another one said.

Am I? I do acknowledge his efforts but a my friends have said that it seems that the level of our love for each other is not aligned with one another. I'm the one who seems to love more.

Should we really get to know who loves more or less for a relationship to work?

Shouldn't we love because of the act of love itself?

Confused.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, May 30, 2014

Forever is about to end

Because there is no such as thing as forever and trust can never be really fixed. One can only take so much and repetitive mistake is a form of abuse and disrespect.

How naive and stupid am I to fall for the idea of forever.

And 'us', as optimistic as I can be, is beyond repair, I believe.

I told myself that deserving better doesn't mean deserving it from another person.

But that doesn't seem to be the case in this context.

But I'm too weak. I love him too much that I am still willing to look past of everything despite of everything.

I'm confused. I deserve respect and I deserve better. But my love for him is far greater than my love for myself.

Truly, you became my weakness.
posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Clouds of doubts over the horizons

"Ano gusto mo mangyari satin?" I asked him. The cold night breeze hit our faces and I heard a bit of the lake's waves ripple.

He hung in silence. I lost faith.

Petty reasons maybe but there's only so much I could handle. You see, all the little things can pile up until I cannot bear all of them at all. One by one, they each came tumbling down, drowning me into misery and yet all I could do was hold his hand tightly and believe that everything will be all right. That everything will progress. That our relationship would bloom and make sense.

But as each little thing tumbled, I stumbled and I got fed up.

Yet I will still hold on. But please, partner, please make me feel that as I hold on, you're keeping me from falling further away from you. That I'm for keeps.

Because no matter how much I do, no matter how much I believe that nothing could make me unlove you...

if nothing's going to change, if nothing's going to progress...

then my heart could only bear as many and eventually will burn out.

Suddenly, forever seems to be next to impossibility.


***** 

So many drafts unpublished. I'm left staring at them blankly on screen.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Fear of failure

Why do I have to have this fear which only results to counterproductivity? No matter how I say that failure is just a stepback from my goals and not a complete roadblock you can conquer, I still can't help myself but be afraid of it. I know that failures entail learnings and no one is perfect yet whenever I am waiting for a result, I only grow anxious and afraid. Haiy.

I'm grateful partner is providing the motivation I much need.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Gym Quickie May 2014

Last week, I hunted for a gym I could switch to and saw one better than I went to before. I'm going to miss my gym crush. I haven't seen anyone of my type in the new gym. Bummer. Anyway, I go to the gym to lift not to boy hunt so everything is well.

I still miss gym crush though.




posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, April 25, 2014

No Lumia = No Fun

Last night, my Lumia phone got snatched away. It was the first time something I have got stolen and it left me frozen on the spot for a few seconds while my mind went completely blank. I only stared at the snatcher as he got on a motorcycle driven by his accomplice.

Right now, I'm using a second hand MyPhone Rio so I'm officially back to using a crappy OS. At least, I will be able to blog more often since Android has a blogger app unlike Windows phone.

I miss my Lumia. Hahaiy. I only got to enjoy the phone for two months.

Ciao and keep safe.

posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Le parents

... now know that I'm gay. They cried and confided the issue with my aunt and uncle. My cousin-slash-bestfriend told me everything that happened which led me to come out to her as well. She said she accepts and she will love me no matter what. She also told me to get myself prepared because my parents will probably talk to me about it.

Yesterday, my siblings and my father went out for a procession leaving me and my mother alone at home. I prepared myself a merienda and she joined. She opened the topic and I fell silent.

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" she asked.

"Because I don't have to and you will just be pesky."

"I'm your mother. It's my job to be pesky."

"I'll only get stressed."

"I haven't said anything that will cause any stress."

"Why? Why don't you just open yourself to me?"

Dead air. Silence filled the room. Her question left unanswered. The why questions are usually the tough questions and most of the timesthey are better left untouched.

"I've already talked this with dad. It's okay with us. We just want to understand."

There's nothing wrong with who I am and I guess I should be grateful that they're trying to understand what I'm going through but really, I'm not the kind of person who opens such personal things to family. Because these things would probably mean I've disappointed them. I've proven that I'm the black sheep to the family. I've confirmed that out of the three people left to continue the family name, one of them is psychologically and emotionally incapable to procreate.

I left the table after finishing my merienda.

Life continued as if nothing has happened.



Let it Go. Well, now they know.


Defying Gravity. And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free.


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Missing innocence

I miss blogging. I miss you guys. But lately, things have been so depressing and tiring that I'm having difficulty finding some time to blog. 

I have so many things to share.

I've pondered so much that I am itching to release these thoughts to keep them flowing.

But at the same time, I'm a bit dry. I'm confused whether I am still the intellectual sponge I was perceived by people, able to absorb ideas and share them as well, or I'm dry, not able to think anything at all.

*****

When was the last time you wished you were a kid? Have you wished things were back the way they used to be? Have you wished your parents are there to scold you whenever you don't get yourself to bed for an afternoon nap or have you wished you still have the time to play outside and bask yourself under the sun and play with your friends? I do. I wish things were the way they used to be. I wish I'm still a kid. I wish I have all the time I can have and just play and play and play with my friends. 

I wish I'm still a kid because I hate the fact that I'm beginning to become an adult. I hate the fact that I AM an adult.

When I was a kid, I can't wait to grow up and have my own salary, pay my own bills, and support myself. I used to hope that time would fast forward itself so that I can get a job and live within my means. I used to wish I could get out of school and join the corporate world so that I could help my family in making the ends meet. 

And with all my wishing I got what I wanted. I grew up. I have my own job and I'm earning. I'm helping my parents with the monthly bills to pay.

I'm still not happy.

I realized that growing up is not as glamorous like what I used to think. I thought getting the latest gadgets, eating at great restaurants and being able to travel at different places (within the Philippines so far) is a fun way to spend adult life. Don't get me wrong. It is. But behind all I have, behind all the perks of being an adult, there's still this gnawing feeling eating away the happiness I yearn. There's something that I miss.

Innocence.

I miss the innocence of being a kid. As I grew up, how I view the world changed. I suddenly had this epiphany that life does not work the way I used to see. That life is actually cruel and that the world is filled with cruel people. Why do people do bad things? Why do people murder? Why do people engage in adulterous relationships or in sex with people they can't commit? In short, why do people do things that will eventually hurt other people as well?

I saw people differently. I was once a normal guy who trusted people easily. I once had this habit to always see the brighter things in life, to always look for that silver lining through the dreary clouds. I smiled frequently.

That was me before. A stranger rather.

Now, as I grew up, I realized that life isn't all that peachy. Peachy. Life is full of shit. As I learned more and grew older, innocence faded away. The smiles came less frequent.

I became cruel and jaded. Defense mechanism.

I miss being a kid. It's the innocence that I miss.

But I would never be the kid I was before. Life doesn't work that way. Surprising (with full of killer sarcasm). But I could always hope. I guess if I could travel back in time and I could give a message to myself, I would tell dear young me to never rush and enjoy being young. To hold to what we believe. To always look at the better things in life no matter what. To never give up on happiness.

Because life may be cruel. But it will always get better. Sooner or later.


Friday, March 21, 2014

Depleted energy

I'm tired because of so many reasons. I just want to sit and stare blankly into space.

Routines and changes. I need a change of pace and there are changes I don't want to undergo. There are changes that have been done which I wish could be undone and there are routines I want to break free from.

How could I break free but at the same time still stand rooted into the place I'm standing on?

Two ends of extremes.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Queer Quickie: Of Naives and Fools

I'm not the kind of person who believes in forever but after I met you... I can't help myself but believe that forever is possible. People may contradict. Circumstances may change. But I stand on my ground that whatever we have now is something worth keeping and living.

They say that those who believe in forever are naives and fools. If that's the case, then call me naive. Call me a fool. But this fool is loving his partner naively, crazily, and happily. Now and for a lifetime. Cheers to that!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Of kisses and giggles

After dinner, partner and I had our nightly walks along the streets of our province when I asked him some things about sex. I know. I'm still that naive and inexperienced. Almost ten months into the relationship but still nothing happened. Despite of this, I'm proud to say that there's a bit of some progress. If you call that progress.

"Pano baga naman natin gagawin yun kung everytime na magtatanong ako about dyan e ginagawa mong comedy ang sagot mo?" How are we going to do it if every time I ask you about it you're making everything comedic? I asked him.

"E pano ba naman natin gagawin yun kung everytime na muntik na nating gawin yun e imbis na ungol ang naririnig ko e laging HIHIHIHI HAHAHAHA. Imbes na AH AH AH AH AHHHHH," How are we going to do it if every time we're about to do it I always hear HIHIHIHI HAHAHA from you instead of AH AH AH AHHHH.

"Hey, it's not my fault I'm that ticklish. Point well taken," was all I can utter.

"Pa-virgin," Such a virgin, he muttered while smiling widely at me. 

I'm sure that smile was meant to mock me.

We'll see. I love challenges.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Starting Over Again

Disclaimer: This is not a movie review but SPOILERS AHEAD.

*****

"Natakot ako, kasi nakita ko ikaw sa tatay ko." - Ginny

We originally planned to celebrate our Valentine's date yesterday in UPLB Feb Fair but after hearing a lot of positive reviews of Starting Over Again, I just had to ask partner to watch this before going to Elbi. Luckily, partner agreed as he was intrigued with all the hype the film was able to induce.

I know that the film was a story about break-up and second chances, something I was sure I will not be able to relate to. I was sure that I will be a bit bored and that I will probably look forward to the ending of the movie.

But life has its way of proving you wrong. Boy, was I able to identify myself in the movie.

*****

We bought our tickets and went around the mall to kill time. We tried to look for a phone he might like as he was thinking of replacing his old phone. I checked the time every once in a while and I told him it's time to line ourselves for the movie.

When we had ourselves lined up, the line was really long. When I say long, I mean looooooong. The movie was hyped and it made me curious if the material will give justice to itself. We watched some youtube videos in my phone as we tried to kill some more time. He pinched a bit of my sides (ugh, he can't really hold himself back) and tried to touch my nipples in public. 

"Hey, hayok ka nanaman," I said as I contemplated whether to stop him from pinching further.

"Eto naman, minsan lang."

"Anong minsan? Pano na ang dignidad ng mga alaga ko?" I asked jokingly.

The line suddenly went moving and a few minutes later we found ourselves seating on the center aisle/stairs as we don't want ourselves to be seated at the lowest seats at the movie theater. 

The movie started and, by routine, my fingers slowly traced his arms until his intertwined mine. The lights went off, our hands perfectly hidden, as the credits rolled.

*****

"Wow, the movie was great! It veered off from the path Filipino romantic films usually take. Not that ground breaking but it was great!" I said.

"Yup, ang ganda nga nung movie. 70% ng film e umiiyak si Toni."

"Hey, may charm ang pagiyak ni Toni. Aminin."

We filed outside the theater and we went to have our dinner. We both ordered Korean food from the mall's foodcourt. Our order came and we dived in. The film left us hungry as we were really taken by its plot. 

"May sasabihin ako sayo," he said suddenly. He put down his spoon and fork and looked at the roof.

"Ano yun?"

He laughed as he tried to search for the right words.

"Ano nga yun?" I prodded.

"Nakita ko ikaw sa character ni Toni. Goal oriented. Planner. Achiever kumbaga."

"Applicable ba yun sakin?"

"Pero kita ko naman sayo yun. Na kapag may goal ka ginagawan mo ng paraan. You excel. I, on the other hand, saw myself in Piolo's character. Complacent. Settler."

I knew where he was going.

Because the same thoughts were running through my head while watching the movie. 

You see, Ginny (Tony's character) left Marco (Piolo's character) as she saw Marco in his father. Someone who easily gives up in the presence of failure. Some one who is laid back. Someone who settles for what he has even though bigger opportunities are available.

Someone Ginny is afraid of. As these are the qualities that left their family broken.

Because for Ginny, a man should be decisive. Should be running after his dreams. Someone who achieves. Someone who will not burden her down. 

"Tapos pareho pa kaming older than you and Ginny. Pareho kaming frustrated chef," he continued.

I laughed.

"Honestly, yes. I saw us in the two as well."

He laughed as he looked at the roof. His food begging to be finished.

"Kinabahan ako bunso."

"Why?"

He fell silent. If only we were not in public, I would have kissed his lips and erased his fears and doubts away.

"Don't worry. I'm also at fault as well. I have my own shortcomings. There. Relax. SmileI will always put Iza/Pattie's line in heart. ," I said soothingly. 

For what it's worth, you have done a great job, I told him silently. My words not escaping my mouth. I was never more aware of the people around us. Having their own date of themselves. Eating. Being merry.

More importantly, I was never more aware of the fears and doubts partner has. A vulnerable part of him slowly and briefly manifested and I witnessed it.

Don't worry. 

"Kung tutuusin nga ang talo dun si Toni," I said.

Don't worry. Ours will have a different ending. 

Our spoons and forks were lifted. We ate as I hoped he was reassured of the words I've said and of the love I give.

*****

“My love is bigger than your failures.” – Patty


Friday, February 7, 2014

How should I react

when I learned recently that partner dated someone four months (?) before we made our relationship official? Allegedly. Partner denies dating anyone during that period. No confrontations. Just questions. Partner said he doesn't even remember the guy but the guy claims that partner lent him one of his books. How does one, who is a self-proclaimed book lover, forget a person who has his book?

Could it be called cheating? We were not even an item that time. But definitely we were in the courtship stage.

Should I even be bothered when it happened moths ago?


Why did I try my best to find the Facebook page of the OTHER guy?


Should I feel betrayed? We're about to hit ten months. The guy said they haven't seen each other for a year. 

But knowing that there's this OTHER guy during the courtship stage made me feel queasy. 

The worst part is that it's only a year later that I've learned only a bit of it.






I'm left staring at the OTHER's profile page while seeing partner as a mutual friend. Irritated. Confused. Obscured stories. Lies hidden. How much of partner's silence about most of his life covered the parts that I should know? Which parts should I know anyway? On the other hand, do I even have the guts to know?


Sunday, February 2, 2014

Queer Quickie: How to Survive School (particularly college)

Hey there, guys. So let's take a break from all my personal encounters or experiences and opinionated posts (phew, what a relief! My blog seems to be monotonous. Sorry!) and let me give you a few tips on how to survive school.

My sister and her team placed 3.5th in MTAP quiz bee elimination round last week (I wish I had her smarts in Math) and she asked me to quiz her last weekend to prepare for the next round. As 10pm neared, I told her it's time to take a break and that we should continue the practice the next day instead but she insisted in finishing her six problem sets and we still have one to go. I noticed her scores for the last set declined and I told her that she was getting distracted and tired and she may not be able to come up with the right answers if we further continue. She suddenly cried. I was shocked. I mean, I was telling her to relax and not to take everything seriously but there she was crying telling me how stressed she was and how her coach got mad at her and the team because they did not fare well in the easy round as they are having difficulty doing mentals. I kind of laughed at this point but I reassured her that everything will be fine and that she should go and rest. 

10-yr. old sister is the most studious of us three. The problem is, she gets "too" studious. She even reviewed her maths during New Year's eve to prepare for the competition. The younger brother on the other hand is the more relaxed one, he never bothered bringing home high grades back in elementary and highschool and only got serious with his studies when he got into college. Still, he maintained his relaxed attitude with studying and doing great. I am more of an amalgam of the two. I'm both relaxed and studious yet I still had those stressful moments during crunch times (who doesn't have those?). I usually go out for a few minutes or watch tv when stressed and needed to unwind. As much as I hate to say this, little sister has to learn a thing or two from her two brothers. 

So, in this light, here are the tips I'd like to share to my sister and to you on how to survive school:

  1. Sit in front of the class ALWAYS. If the teacher did not prepare any seating arrangements, always take the advantage of sitting in front of the class. Students have this misconception that sitting in the back of the class will help them avoid the attention of the professors. Well, this is rarely correct based on my observation. Professors take this misconception to their advantage and quiz those who are the back more compared to those who sit in the front. Professors also know that those who sit in the back are most likely not listening to the lectures and are disinterested in the subject. This is also the place where cheating is most likely to occur so the teachers are on full surveillance in this area.
  2. Listen listen listen and LISTEN. Nothing beats this tip and this may be the only tip you'll ever need. When you actively listen, you stimulate your brain to silently discuss with the knowledge your teachers are sharing. Because of this, information retention rate is increased and you are most likely ready for the next quiz even with just skimming through your notes. 
  3. Raise your hands and answer for MOST of the teacher's questions during discussion. Yes. When you listen, you should also talk. Most students dread this as they might get humiliated when you answer incorrectly. Well, wrong again. The worst thing is to be laughed at but you can laugh with them. Plus, the advantage to answering teacher's questions during discussion is that you can select the questions you can answer and avoid being questioned for those you cannot answer. How? Well, you have just answered most of the teacher's queries and there are high chances that when the going gets tough, the teacher's attention is on those who have not yet participated in the discussion.
  4. You are encouraged to dedicate your time on subjects you lack at not at the subjects you are good at. Since you're already good at these subjects, focus on the areas you're having difficulty with. This is not an excuse to skip the subjects you've done well. All I'm saying is that when allocating your time, allot more time for the difficult subjects. When I was still in college, I never reviewed the subjects I like the night before. I only read it on the day itself since most likely I will be able to recall most of the information.
  5. Build connections. Connections are very handy when surviving school. Nope. It's not about being a teacher's pet but rather building a good reputation so that when things get out of hand, there's always a connection to help. Back then, during the so-called hell year (second year in my case), I was really stressed out with some of my subjects that I let NSTP slipped away from my grip. During NSTP 2, classmates and I were caught cutting classes for a drinking party during a friend's birthday. We were all scolded and blacklisted by our professor. We were in hot waters and every movement of ours were monitored. Things cooled down as finals neared but the incident was long before being forgotten. During the crunch times, we were assigned a final project (a compilation of some sort) which I burned the midnight oil for. Because of the lack of sleep, I fell asleep during the bus ride that I almost missed my stop. I hurriedly got off the bus until I realized I accidentally left my project in the bus. I fell into tears literally and I had no idea what to do. The professor glared at me menacingly because of her distrust when I didn't have any project to turn in. I tried to reason her out but to no avail. Good thing a few professors convinced her to trust my story and to give me a chance which I got. Without the connections and the reputation, I could have been a goner.
  6. Choose your friends well. They will influence you the most and will have one of the biggest impact on your performance. This does not mean you have to avoid the queen bees of the school. You can still befriend them but be wary of getting their habits unknowingly.
  7. Don't forget to relax and treat yourself. Give yourself a treat. Relax. It will definitely clear your mind and unwind giving you the boost you need to conquer the upcoming difficulty and hardships. Go drink and be merry. 
  8. Faith. Faith does things. Sometimes, everything will get out of hand, everything will be out of your control, and the only thing you can do is to entrust everything to a higher being. 
So these are the tips I could share with you to survive school. Just follow these tips and everything may go smoothly and see yourself holding that hard-earned diploma. Hey, you may even graduate Magna <wink>. 

*****

The MTAP quiz bee recently concluded last Thursday and I'm proud to say that my sister placed top third individual scorer and her team placed third as well. Maybe she doesn't even need my tips. Anyway, ciao!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

What is love? Love is air.

January 11, 2014


Being in a relationship is tough. Having a partner of the same sex is tougher. There's no difference actually between being in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship but the difference is made by the norms set by the society. Males are expected to carry out certain romantic activities with females as set by the invisible rules that govern the intricate web of social interaction. When these expectations are not met, if these activities are carried out with another male within the context of romanticism, then both individuals are considered to be exhibiting behaviors of deviance as both are straying from what is accepted by the society. Alienation to a certain degree will surely be met by the two. Why should be these two alienated? Why is there a segregation between the sects of the society? 

When two guys are in a theme park together, what would you think? Would you think of them negatively even though they are not harming you in any way you could think of? It's sad that I would have answered yes.

Last weekend, I and partner have finally pushed our plan through to spend a day in Enchanted Kingdom in Sta. Rosa, Laguna. We've been planning this for months already but unfortunately time and money became roadblocks for this plan to be fulfilled. We saw an opportunity last week and we grabbed the opportunity right away. I scored some discounted tickets while both of us were free for that day so everything was set and ready to go. What could go wrong anyway? It's just a day at a park. No one could stop us before as we have already set our hearts on finally enjoying some rides the nationally famous theme park has to offer.


Nothing went wrong. Techinically. But, oh boy, the first step through those gates was a big wake up slap at the face.

Families everywhere. Big smiling happy families from every corner can be seen. It looked like a public school from Manila took a field trip and Enchanted Kingdom was one of the itineraries. Not to mention that there was an international organization whose members decided to drop by and join in the fun. Loud and screaming children run to and from, their giggles quite infectious and their energy levels quite something to be envious of. Heterosexual couples can be seen from every path taking selfies of themselves to immortalize the moments. The sun was high yet the cold wind unmistakably sent shivers as it passed through me. I'm not sure if the shivers were caused by the wind or caused by the sinking feeling I had as I realized that I was a fish out of water in this whole wide theme park. The families were a reminder of something that I cannot have given the Philippines' general outlook on homosexuality and children raised by same sex couple. Given that the Philippines is predominantly a Catholic country, there is little hope that partner and I will be able to raise a child (adoption would be great so that we could give love to a homeless child that needs it) and see him or her grow up and be proud parents ourselves. Given how same-sex couples are being frowned upon by the more traditional members of the community, partner and I can't take pictures of ourselves without raising the brows of the conservatives.

"Kunan kita ng picture," Hey let me take a picture of you, partner said. 

"Wag na nakakahiya naman magpicture sa Enchanted ng solo," No, thanks. It's embarrassing to have my picture taken alone in a theme park, I replied as I looked longingly at this guy who was hugging her girlfriend while giving her a peck at her forehead.

"Sige, mamaya na lang. Kunan kita picture," Okay, but I'll take a picture of you later.

We went to the end of the line for the Flying Fiesta. I was quite nervous as I consider this a thrill ride (yes, I'm that afraid of the small rides). As the we were nearing the end of the line for our turn, partner suddenly said, "O, baka gusto mo dun pa tayo sa magkatabing upuan. Hahahhaahh," O, you might be thinking of getting ourselves seated together. Hahahaa, in a tone unmistakably telling me that we shouldn't. 


Credits: http://www.thewandergal.com/2013/02/an-extremely-adventurous-day-at.html

I was thinking of that same thought as well. I wouldn't be caught sitting with another man in Flying Fiesta. It's too... unacceptable. Hey, what am I thinking?

"Hindi no," No way, I told him.

When our turn came, we had ourselves seated, him sitting beside the chair(?) in front of me. He looked back at me and smiled.  As our chairs were lifted by the machine and we were sent flying up in the air circularly, I gripped the rails of my seat tightly and my eyes closed shut. I took a peek every once in a while during the ride and wished I hadn't. I had my sunglasses on but I believe partner knew my eyes were closed and I heard him laugh. I looked. He looked back. "Hinga ka naman dyan," Hey, take a breath, he said.

As my hands were tightly gripped around the rails, I wished it was his hands I was holding.

The ride ended and we went directly to Rialto. The line was long and it was barely moving as the ride takes roughly around six minutes every batch. We decided to line ourselves despite of the conditions. While waiting for our turn, I took notice of two guys seemingly enjoying themselves.


Credits: http://www.thewandergal.com/2013/02/an-extremely-adventurous-day-at.html

"Ui, magpartner ba yun?" Hey are those two a couple? I asked.

"Mukha nga," Seems like it, he said.

His words were left hanging up in the air as I pondered. It seems embarrassing to be caught in a theme park with another guy. What would people think? Why am I even thinking this? Am I not with another guy in the very same place? Shouldn't I be happy for them instead of thinking negatively towards the two guys? Of all people, why am I the one not actively supporting them in the sidelines?

Am I not playing in their team? 

I subtly took a few pictures of partner along the day. Even the pictures were reminiscent that both of us were conforming to the norms of the society to a certain degree. We were not seen together in the pictures we took and if you look at the shots, you would think one went to Enchanted Kingdom alone. Pictures will be uploaded with no traces of presence of the other. Again. Again. 

We passed by the two guys for a few times and I always catch them in the corner of my eye. They seem to be not caring of what people might think. They may not be holding hands, hugging each other or giving each other some pecks on the cheek or the forehead but they did look sweet as they were. I looked at partner and wished that some day a life will be lived without any concern of what people might think. I quickly dreamed of life of acceptance and absence of bigotry.

"Why are the kisses infrequent?" I asked him out of the blue.

"E, public naman kasi bunso," We're in public, he replied. My face fell. He took notice.

"Tara sa ferris wheel. We'll get a bit of privacy there," Let's take the ferris wheel, he said.

"Mamaya na lang. Habang fireworks," Later during the fireworks will be great, I said suddenly excited. 

A little bit reassured, we spent the remaining hours of the day trying out the rides, I blatantly trying to steer him away from the space shuttle, him trying to win a stuff toy from some of the booths, and I stealing a hug during that makeshift horror house (in hindsight, it was not that scary). The sun fell and the moon and stars lit the night.

We went to the Ferris wheel when the scheduled fireworks neared. Unfortunately it was closed during the fireworks display for safety reasons. The perfect scene of stealing the much awaited kiss atop the Ferris wheel while watching the fireworks display came crashing down. As an alternative, I told him I wanted to take a ride at the Swan Lake. We went and had ourselves lined up. Once again, as our turn near, the magic words came from his mouth. "O, magkahiwalay tayong swan ha." Hey, we're going to take different swans okay?

Swan Lake by night, Enchanted Kingdom

Credits: http://www.panoramio.com/photo/87728717

I nodded in silence reminding myself that this is how my relationship should be. I comforted myself thinking that a day will come where we will be taking seats next to each other next time we go to a theme park.

I was motioned by the ride coordinator to take my place when my turn came. Surprisingly, partner went as well and seated next to me. My heart fell and went badump. We pedaled the swan towards the slightly more secluded area. Boy, was it tiring. Playfully, I tried to steer the swan towards the makeshift falls trying to make my partner wet and be wild and he laughed trying to fight off my hand. I looked around and mostly I saw couples trying to have fun. We were the only two guys sharing a swan and I didn't mind. All I can see is him, the swan, the lake, the stars, and the moon.

"Hey, the fireworks are about to start," I said.

Surely, the colorful display of fireworks lit the sky erasing the doubts and worries I had earlier that day. I stole a glance, looked at the fireworks, and smiled. This surely beat the scene I dreamed being at the top of the Ferris wheel. 

I might not know the exact reason why there should be a separate subtle divide between the sects of the society but I believe that someday people will accept that sexual orientation is never composed of merely black and white. I reminded myself that the society is not ready for us but in time they will. Slowly yet surely. The important thing is that the both of us have accepted ourselves, our relationship, and we may be living in a world of our own but a world where bigotry is absent. I realized that as I ask for acceptance, I should be more supportive of those who are in the same relationship as I am in. I suddenly remembered the two guys and wished them the best of this world. That they stay happily together, defeating the stereotypes that same sex relationships are short-lived.  Someday, we will be building a family we could call our own and enjoy the rights everybody else enjoy.


Credits: http://www.thefeedph.com/2012/10/3rd-asian-sky-wizardry-fireworks.html

As the fireworks continued and as I was handling the steering stick of the swan, I felt his finger traced my hands and took a finger. His finger held mine tightly. I didn't look as I immortalized the scene in my mind. The colorful sky danced in my head. His finger still held mine and a touch forever imprinted on my skin. The night bugs can be heard faintly behind the sounds of the booming firecrackers and I smelled his scent, a scent I loved and lingered. The cold night breeze made the trees above us sway, the rustling sounds made everything romantic. The air as free as it can be.

Someday, every love will be like air, forever free as it should be.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Queer Quickie: No more Mr. Nice Guy

"Nice guys finish last." - Anonymous

I hate this character flaw. I'm not that nice but I'm generally nice. Things are changing this 2014 I hope.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Ilusyonadang Froglettes

Legend:
Blue - FiftyShadesOfQueer
Yellow - partner

Minsan lang maging ilusyonada, tinodo-todo na.


Posted via Blogaway

Thursday, January 2, 2014

First Gym Quickie of 2014

Kilig. I saw my ultimate gym crush at the gym a while ago. I really love how his shirt fits and exposes his back muscles and how he rolls his sleeves making me oggle at his big arms. His eyeglasses made him look like nerdy hot and his new haircut suits him well. He sports a short slim pony tail at the back of his head that reminds me a bit of Tamahome of Fushigi Yugi. His squats are worth of everyone's admiration. He can squat quite heavy weights that I got scared one time because I got worried he might get his back broken. Ooooh, that image of him squatting is enough to make me feel pure ecstasy.

Anyway, the highlight of tonight's gym session was that he actually talked to me! Well, not the conversation type of talk but rather he asked for permission to use the bench I was using. That time, I was doing bent-over dumbbell rows beside the bench he referred to. He positioned in an incline manner and started to do his dumbbell bench presses. I kind of laughed because given his position and how I was bent over, it looked like I was giving him a head. Yieeee. Fantasy started and I fought terribly a hard-on. I kind of glanced a bit to oggle at his chest and I saw myself being around his arms, my back against his chest and my ass feeling his hard-on. I imagined him kissing my neck, slowly starting to move downwards to kiss my back. As he kissed my back, he went to lube his fingers to prepare my hole.




Ugh. I should stop. If I continue fantasizing, I might not be able to hold myself back anymore when we meet.
I like his voice. Very kind. One can tell he's a good person with good manners. I really want to know him better. I wish we could be more than two persons who happen to lift at the same gym. Haha. Jowk.

As for my progress, after one year of lifting, I guess I'm getting a bit of results. Not that much but the weight I'm lifting has increased and I reached the goal I've set last year. I hope I continue improving. My back is lean but still needs a lot of work while the chest seems to start getting defined. Despite of this, gym owner still thinks my chest is small and needs huge amount of work. I hope my chest and back will get bigger since they compose majority of the muscle groups in the human body.

I haven't bought a good supplement btw as told in my last quickie. Budget constraints.

Pagbigyan ang gym selfie. Just to track my progress.



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