Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Missing innocence

I miss blogging. I miss you guys. But lately, things have been so depressing and tiring that I'm having difficulty finding some time to blog. 

I have so many things to share.

I've pondered so much that I am itching to release these thoughts to keep them flowing.

But at the same time, I'm a bit dry. I'm confused whether I am still the intellectual sponge I was perceived by people, able to absorb ideas and share them as well, or I'm dry, not able to think anything at all.

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When was the last time you wished you were a kid? Have you wished things were back the way they used to be? Have you wished your parents are there to scold you whenever you don't get yourself to bed for an afternoon nap or have you wished you still have the time to play outside and bask yourself under the sun and play with your friends? I do. I wish things were the way they used to be. I wish I'm still a kid. I wish I have all the time I can have and just play and play and play with my friends. 

I wish I'm still a kid because I hate the fact that I'm beginning to become an adult. I hate the fact that I AM an adult.

When I was a kid, I can't wait to grow up and have my own salary, pay my own bills, and support myself. I used to hope that time would fast forward itself so that I can get a job and live within my means. I used to wish I could get out of school and join the corporate world so that I could help my family in making the ends meet. 

And with all my wishing I got what I wanted. I grew up. I have my own job and I'm earning. I'm helping my parents with the monthly bills to pay.

I'm still not happy.

I realized that growing up is not as glamorous like what I used to think. I thought getting the latest gadgets, eating at great restaurants and being able to travel at different places (within the Philippines so far) is a fun way to spend adult life. Don't get me wrong. It is. But behind all I have, behind all the perks of being an adult, there's still this gnawing feeling eating away the happiness I yearn. There's something that I miss.

Innocence.

I miss the innocence of being a kid. As I grew up, how I view the world changed. I suddenly had this epiphany that life does not work the way I used to see. That life is actually cruel and that the world is filled with cruel people. Why do people do bad things? Why do people murder? Why do people engage in adulterous relationships or in sex with people they can't commit? In short, why do people do things that will eventually hurt other people as well?

I saw people differently. I was once a normal guy who trusted people easily. I once had this habit to always see the brighter things in life, to always look for that silver lining through the dreary clouds. I smiled frequently.

That was me before. A stranger rather.

Now, as I grew up, I realized that life isn't all that peachy. Peachy. Life is full of shit. As I learned more and grew older, innocence faded away. The smiles came less frequent.

I became cruel and jaded. Defense mechanism.

I miss being a kid. It's the innocence that I miss.

But I would never be the kid I was before. Life doesn't work that way. Surprising (with full of killer sarcasm). But I could always hope. I guess if I could travel back in time and I could give a message to myself, I would tell dear young me to never rush and enjoy being young. To hold to what we believe. To always look at the better things in life no matter what. To never give up on happiness.

Because life may be cruel. But it will always get better. Sooner or later.


14 comments:

  1. It gets better and better. It has to :)
    Kapit lang FSOQ.

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    Replies
    1. Yes. I'm holding on with the best of my efforts. Thanks, yccos! I really hope that the gets better part comes soon.

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  2. I can so relate to this!

    Yeah, life is full of shit. But it is full of beautiful things as well. It's just a matter of perspective, I guess; depends if you are an optimist or a pessimist. In my case, I'm usually the latter. :l

    It's up to us if we have the will to turn those shitty things into gold. We are all alchemists, in one way or another. ;)

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    1. That book was far too dragging and overrated that by the time he met the Alchemist things started to get boring.

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    2. Same here! I'm a bit of a pessimist. Haiyayayaiy.

      I have yet to read the book. Hehehe.

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    3. Teka, I'm not pertaining to Coelho's book ha. *hahaha* Yun ba naisip niyo? :P

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  3. Have you wished things were back the way they used to be?

    Yes, everytime I realized how complicated the life of an adult person is, I always what to go back to the times wherein the only problem I have is what cartoons to watch, what food to eat and what kind of game I will play.

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    1. Yep, adult life is complicated. I agree with you. This truly is a slow realization of increments as we thread further down life's track.

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  4. Yes din sagot ko doon sa lahat ng tanong.

    I was a great kid. I was great being a kid. I had all things figured out when I was a kid. I was happiest when I was a kid.

    puro yun nga, tumanda tayo.

    tama, life is full of shit. pero di naman nagbago ang life e. shitty pa rin ang life before. ang pinagkaiba lang. when we were kids we always face everyday with a smile and a hope for an awesome day :)

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    1. I guess I should work on my perspective and look with the eyes I had before.

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  5. Nah. Not me. To think I'm already 30 :)

    With innocence someone almost always has to protect me and yet I can't choose the people around me, where I want to be, and even the books I need to read. Innocence may have a fresh look at things but it also comes to show you don't know what's going on around you and if not careful, it will consume you.

    There are cruel people. Most of them are cruel not because you did something bad, just because they like to be cruel.

    I just learned how to empower myself. Be evasive. Assume power and even become manipulative. Now the world is in MY control. :)

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    1. I don't have the guts to be manipulative. I admire you for that.

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  6. minsan masyado tayong tali sa past (guilty din ako dito) nahihirapan na tuloy tayong magmove on.

    well kung nagawa nga natin ang magagandang memories na yun nung bata tayo, well we can create more beautiful memories as an adult right? :)

    and yes please don't give up happiness at yes there's always the brighter side (pero dapat realistic din sa pagtingin ng bright side para hindi ka rin madisappoint. hehe).

    hugs hugs! :)

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    Replies
    1. I won't give up on happiness. Thanks, Kalansay for reminding me that.

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