Saturday, June 21, 2014

Between delusion and reality

"Because it’s so easy, isn’t it, to fool yourself that things are what they really aren’t, simply because you want it so badly?" -Margie, Rappler 2014

Sometimes I just don't want to think of anything at all. I'll just go with the flow this time. My brain doesn't function at all and I don't know if what I think I'm seeing is real or just wishful thinking. Maybe, I'm at your mercy. You're kind and insensitive at the same time and all I wish to remember and think is you and your kind acts. The acts I've been holding onto and enjoy. Maybe you really are kind and you really do take care of me and you being insensitive is just you being clueless and forgetful.

What if I move that the relationship should be opened? Will I dare date other guys? Are there any other guys that will look past behind my physical imperfections, the pimples and all? Or am I doomed to be alone without you? That you are the first last, and only guy who will settle for me? The only one who will settle little old me, who thinks too much, pa-virgin, and ugly? In this sexually charged community, is love really hard to find? Don't I have that already?

Why me? Why am I even in a relationship in the first place? Aren't all relationships doomed to fail at one point? That some relationships only survive for we have clinged on the ideals we delusionally see to the point we lose sight of reality?

I have my own faults I believe. You have yours. Who am I to point out yours? Does that make me perfect?

I don't want to ask anymore. Lead me from delusion to reality.

I want to be part of your world as I am more than willing to make you part of mine. Compartmentalizing me is something I understand but to understand for how long is something I wonder.

I want to be assured. I want to fix this. I want everything to be okay.

Please, let me feel that. As you jokingly threaten to leave me in the streets, with your smile and all, while I point out you've been late for an hour and a half leaving me waiting while listening to how the rain beat the roof on last night, I felt scared. Who wouldn't? Am I not exerting enough effort to understand and fix things and yet there you were telling me that you will leave me if I point out how late you were. That I shouldn't test you and your patience. Have not I been patient enough?

How can I be assured that everything will be all right when everything has been a seesaw with you (there I go again asking questions with answers unsure)?

I guess life is just full of ups and downs.

You might become my downfall.

Brain stop thinking, please. Please, stop.

Evrything feels disconnected as I am left disoriented.

posted from Bloggeroid


  1. I can only imagine what youre going through right now FSOQ... I dont have any idea with how homo rels work but I guess when it comes to love, its no different with that of a boy-girl... When love hits a person, it tend to change our perspective... The good becomes the best, the worst become acceptable and tolerable because that's how we love--- unconditional. But later on, we get tired.... Youre still fighting. Sooner or later, youll get tired, or both of you will get tired of the fight and will have a concensus on how things will best work for the two of you. For the meantime, if you decide to continue to fight, take a rest. You cant let your brain stop functioning coz you will end up losing this battle. Take a deep breath and think. This time, for yourself. What's best for you. Have u had the chance to ask yourself, how are you?

  2. FSOQ, you now came to a point where your outlook towards love and relationships have become negative. No love is perfect but no love should make your outlook towards love as twisted as it is now. There is only a time when we should hold on to something but there is also a time when we should let go. Especially when it is no longer healthy for you.

    Also, it sounds so cliche but you need to learn to love yourself. Then you will know that you are special and needs to be loved, no matter what flaw, imperfection you have. There is someone else out there, better for you. I wish you the best :)

  3. hay love.
    honestly i don't know what to say.

  4. And when you've enough, you'll realize there's a sunshine beyond the tunnel. :D Whatever lies ahead, I wish for your happiness.

  5. I would like to echo some of the words mentioned above. Love yourself. When it's no longer healthy for you, maybe it's time to quit. Love is a complicated thing.

    I will not fault you if you think low of yourself. That sort of thing do happen. We can be idealistic and say that you shouldn't do that and say words like you are worth it, you have lots of potential, and there's light at the end of the tunnel. Though these words may certainly be true, I believe in being realistic. And right now, the reality is you are suffering and it's a good thing. It will teach you what heartache is. It will help you grow and mature as a person. We all want you to experience happiness of course. And as so much as to try and to avoid what path we have already taken, the path of misery and depression, we would hope that you would heed our advice and try a different path. But maybe, that is not your path. Maybe yours were written in pain and blood. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's your path. And only you can take that road. Just be brave enough to face it and know that if you need a shoulder to lean to, we're here.

    keep moving. keep pushing. keep improving. keep living. keep loving.

  6. Love is a battlefield.