Sunday, August 24, 2014

22 Candles

I turned 22 around three weeks ago and I felt a little bit older. Some say I'm still young but to be honest I don't feel I am at all. I feel old and, let's face it, no one is getting younger. No matter how we hold on to our young selves, we have to let it go and move on in order to make progress. In the process of letting go, we learn new things about ourselves that might take us by surprise. As we move on, we are shedding off our old skins and we are showing off someone new. We might not necessarily like it (we don't have to) but we learn to deal with and accept our own changes.

Because sometimes, it doesn't mean we have changed...

we just thought we have already known ourselves completely.

So, here are my 22 candles. Each I blow off one by one. Each a realization. Each an experience during the past 22 years of my existence.

1. I thought I will never eat vegetables but I recently have included colorful veggies in my diet. I love it now.

2. I have always believed in the goodness of people but some people are cruel to the core.

3. Confidence was something I took pride of only to realize that my confidence masks my low self-esteem.

4. I was never into physical activities but I learned I love lifting weights and I'm beginning to have an interest in learning martial arts.

5. Despite being an extrovert, I exhibit certain introvert characteristics. I'm a mixture of the two. I can befriend you right away or I might shy away from you. No certain indicators lead to neither path.

6. I firmly believed that sex should be done within the grounds of a faithful relationship. Presently, I believe that sex between friends is possible as long as the two can handle the conditions that come after sex. Not that I have had sex already. Just a realization.

7. I thought I was being pure by holding myself back from my sexual urges. Looking back, I think I was being prude. I've been sexually immature and now I'm working on it step by step. Learning is all about pacing.

8. I pictured myself growing up having hairless chest because none of my cousins nor my uncles have hair on theirs. Alas, I'm growing some chest hairs!

9. I thought being gay means burning in hell. Now, I'm having a hard time believing there is a hell. I've been a religious Catholic, an open-minded Atheist and a devout Born Again Christian. Now, I am left between Atheism and Protestantism. Nonetheless, I believe there is a God, it's impossible that there is none considering what does exists. But at the same time, I find it hard to believe in a God considering humans exist. The explanations behind my beliefs deserve a post by itself.

10. Before, lunch or merienda means having a burger, large fries and coke, and a rice meal brought from fastfood restaurants. Now, you will never catch me eating fastfood.

11. I hated rain. As I grew up, I learned to love the philosophical feel rain brings as it washes away uncertainty.

12. I have accepted that love comes in different forms and sizes. That there is love between three people and if these three people were able to make love work, who am I to judge?

13. Luck does exists but it is not as mystical as I have believed. It is merely a combination of circumstances beyond our control that may directly or indirectly affect us. 

14. Love is an attraction towards the totality of the person. I formerly believed that as long as the inside is attractive, love will thrive. But I was wrong. What you see physically is also important. Let's face the hard truth.

15. Sex is okay. It's not disgusting nor is it a sin. Before, sex outside the comforts of a relationship is disgusting until I came across the word recreational sex. 

16. I thought writing is easy. It is hard work!

17. Being employed is not as glamorous as I thought it was when I was in college. I was in a hurry to graduate and get employed but now I can't wait to study again. Graduate school, please? Resources please.

18. Not all gays are loud as I used to believe. I now have gay friends, actually I only have two I can actually call as real friends and they're very interesting and fun to be with. I like how I learn more about them and what they do. I may be silent when I'm with them but usually because I like listening to them. Finally, I have friends from the "same team."

19. "We are masters of our own decisions," a friend said. We once argued about the morality of cheating and how rampant it has become. I reasoned out that in cheating, it is not always the fault of the cheater but there are also contributing factors from the one being cheated on. Despite of this, he said that our decisions are only based partly with these external factors and we should be its largest driver.

20. Our worst critics is ourselves. I may not be as ugly as I think I am. Nonetheless, I still think I'm ugly. Thank goodness partner is there to convince me otherwise.

21. Birthdays lose its essence at some point. I'm nearing that point.

22. I have always thought that I am matured for my age. I realized that just like my sexuality, along the two extremes of maturity, I'm standing in between.

Cheers to the past 22 years and looking forward to many more years to live by.

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