Monday, October 27, 2014

Still in contact

We're still in contact and we're still fighting.

I fail to reply to some of his messages, he gets mad and I get accused of sleeping around, waking up in another bed, and beside with another man.

"I feel offended. Don't you have trust in me? How can I have the hope of this, us, getting fixed if you can't even trust me? When doubts still loom?" I asked.

"It's not you that I don't trust. I don't trust myself."

Does this mean he doesn't trust himself to man up and fight for whatever is left in our relationship? Does this mean that I'm waiting in vain? That all my hope is for nothing?

Will he fight for us? Stand by us?

Will he choose me? I made a promise that I'll wait for him to come back, that we will still grow old together, that what we have is worth fighting for.

Stop. He left. Already. He chose self preservation. Your love for each other is not strong enough.

Your love has already ended.

But I'm willing to live in delusion.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Something and someone better

Still not able to continue the story. Hopefully this weekend.

But things that bugged my mind pre and post breakup I truly am ready to share:

"Why do love ones leave us behind?"

"You deserve someone better. Ditch the jerk," a friend said.

"Deserving better doesn't have to be from someone else," another friend said. Different setting. Different place. Two unrelated friends giving me advice in a time of need.

Did I make the right decision?

Why do people enter a relationship without the having the sense of responsibilith to preserve it?

Why does love have to end?

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Hurt yet numb

Even with all the words I would like to scream and let out and with all the words I would like to put on paper, the pain still holds me back into silence, darkness, and confusion. As much as I would like to update this blog, continue the series of not so fortunate (or maybe fortunate) events that supposedly continues the previous blog post, revisiting the past causes so much pain and disappointment to the point that I lay down in defeat helpless to write anything.

And the funny thing is, with all these pain, I feel numb. Yes, numb. I feel empty. I feel pain yet at the same time I feel empty. At first, I was confused. How could someone feel hurt yet numb? Today I got my answer.

Because today I realized that my love left me, keeping with him all my feelings and emotions invested. My whole future supposedly with him snatched away leaving me shattered into pieces.

As these shattered pieces lay untouched, as I feel the pain and at the same time emptiness, I am slowly losing my values and beliefs. As much as I like to hide it, I could do nothing but admit defeat and embrace change. Embrace the fact that there is no such thing as forever because everything has an ending. Everything has a period. Embrace the fact that man is inclined towards self preservation. Embrace the fact that there are some love not strong enough to defeat this inclination. That there are just some love that may end.

Love stinks.
posted from Bloggeroid