Monday, February 26, 2018

Gaano katagal bago mo siya nakalimutan?

I feel... empty.

I should be glad. This is a chance to start a new life. I wanted this to happen. I mean, it wasn't working out. There are just some things we cannot agree on and I had to choose myself.

Did I give up too easily? 

Was I right? Everything was perfect except for the fact that I don't know a thing about him outside the relationship. That's how it is when you are shelved. When he worked his ass hard to keep his life compartmentalized. Was it enough reason for me to let go? Was being a part of his other world really a big deal? Shouldn't I have been contented with just us in our own little world we built together? We were happy. I was happy. I think.

It's been three months actually. But I still remember him in every little detail. To the books I read. To the places I visit. To the cup of coffee I now sip alone. Sometimes, I would imagine how things would have been if we were still together. How he would have reacted to Meet Me in St. Gallen. How excited he would have had with Himala: Musikal. I miss the understanding silence between us when I get my usual Americano and his cup of cocoa. 

I miss him.

During the first month of our breakup, I still received some of his texts. At first I was pissed off because most of the texts ignored the fact there's actually a problem in our relationship. The usual sweet-nothings. The usual good mornings and good nights. I wanted him to stop and acknowledge that there's something we need to talk about. That there's no use with him delaying our issue further. But now, I would have given anything just to receive a message from him. To know that he's okay. To find out whether he still thinks about me. To let me know that he still wants to save the relationship. I've been texting him this past month.

But there was no reply. There isn't anymore. 

Is there something lacking? Why didn't he choose me? Why didn't he choose to fight for what we had? Wasn't I enough to give him a reason to say, "Hey, I'm not afraid. I want you to meet my friends." or  "Hey, I want you to meet my mother." because I've done that with him. He became a part of my world. I, on the other hand, was apart from his. 

I'm still not sure I did the right thing.

But hey, I am crushing on someone right now. We went out the past weekend for dragonboat training and Himala: Musikal. Supposedly a group but we ended up with each other instead. I just hope this is a sign I'm starting to forget him.

Still, I can't help but wonder the what-ifs. 

That Thing Called Tadhana quotes hitting me lately with uppercuts and quick jabs:

Mace: “Gaano katagal bago mo siya nakalimutan?”
Anthony: “Matagal.”
Mace: “Gaano nga katagal? One year? Two? 3? 4? 5?”
Anthony: “Importante pa ba ‘yun? Ang mahalaga, nakalimutan.


Mace: “Kung mahal mo, habulin mo, ipaglaban mo. ‘Wag mong hintaying may magtulak sa kanya pabalik sa’yo. Hilahin mo. Hanggang kaya mo, wag kang bibitaw. Sorry, mahal ko eh.”


“Pano ba makalimot?” 
“Pwede kang uminom gabi gabi, pwede kang umiyak gabi gabi, pwede kang makipagdate kung kani-kanino, o pwede ka ring makahanap ng new love.”

Monday, January 1, 2018

Of closets and heartaches

I broke up with him. I called off our nearly five-year relationship. This blog has been a witness to how we started. This blog was created the time I met him and most of my entries are about him. I had my Facebook account for my political, irreligious, and not-so-personal rants. This blog was for him. I had this vision when we grow old together, we can look back at my blog and see how things were from my perspective. I guess, we can never do that now.

Anyway, actually, we rarely have problems. The relationship was pretty much smooth-sailing as far as I can remember. Except for one thing. The world where our relationship exists only have the two of us. I was never introduced to his friends nor his family. We've been together for five years and I don't know exactly where he lives nor where he works. I don't know the company name he works for. I've only seen pictures of his friends and family. You see, he's closeted. I dated a closeted 37-year old guy. He has several friends who know his sexual preference but I don't know who they are nor do they know that I exist.

You might think, "You're trying to be hetero-normative." but what I really want is functional. I really wanted to move things forward. Five years yun e. Ano ba naman yung five years, diba? Aren't we supposed to be making plans about living together. Building a family of our own (it doesn't have to have kids but rather being recognized as a unit by our respective families). I was so sure of him. I was ready to propose. To tell him, "Hey, let's spend an eternity together." Then, I hesitated. If we live together, who should I contact in case there's a health emergency? What if he's together with his family and something happens, how do I know that something actually happened? How would his family reach me? I cannot live together with someone (oh my god) I barely knew.

I told him that three years ago. That I wanted to meet some of his friends and if possible his family. He said he can't introduce me. We broke up for a few months because of that. "Hindi ko talaga kaya," he said. Still, I reached out to him. I went back to him. I rekindled our relationship. I was the one who fought for the relationship and I was glad we got back together. He told me, "Ipapakilala rin kita next year."

The next year came, I asked him if he has plans how I can meet whoever he wants me to meet. I highlighted it doesn't have to be family. That I understand his situation. Unfortunately, I only got a sad reply and he told me he's not ready. Next year, maybe.

Three years, I waited. Five years into the relationship. I've been dropping hints. I have been helping him gain courage. I introduced him to friends, workmates, and family. He was included in my sister's birthday celebration and my brother's party for passing the board exams. He was invited during my travels with my office mates and he was warmly welcomed. My mother even asked him to be with us during my parents' wedding anniversary. When I extended the invitation, he irritably told me, "Kailangan ba talaga ako roon?"

So, our dates would usually consist of us two only. For five years, every week only us two. I felt like I went back to the closet but this time it was not my closet but his. I felt suffocated. I felt trapped. I wanted out.

So after three years of asking, nearly five years into the relationship, I asked him again, "Ipapakilala mo ako? Kahit sa isang friend lang?"

"Oo, pero di ko kaya ngayon."

I snapped. I know we have our own pace but isn't five years enough? Shouldn't five years have already given him the courage to at least let me meet his friends who knew of his preference? What's wrong? Is there anything wrong with me? Pangit ba ako? Bobo ba ako? Hindi ba ako yung tipong maipagmamalaki?

"Ayoko na. Break na tayo," I told him.

"Ayoko.  Natatakot akong biguin ka ulit. Pero di ko talaga kaya."

I walked past him. He followed but later on he disappeared. After that, I received messages from him. He kept on texting me. You know what felt off? His texts were the usual texts as if we were still together. As if nothing happened. Is he really going to ignore the problem? Is texting the only effort he will push to try and save the relationship?

Haiy. He greeted me "Happy new year. Wag mo kalimutang mahal kita." It's been a month since I broke it off and I am starting to think that the relationship may not be worth saving.

It hurts like hell. Fuck. But I'd like to believe that I did the best for the both of us. Maybe we're not meant for each other. I was only asking him to let me be part of his world. I understand his situation. Maybe it's wrong for me to ask him to come out. But 37-year old closeted guy with effeminate streak? Shouldn't it have been obvious already? Haiy.

I did the right thing. I hope he finds a guy he will fight for. A guy worth of his bravery and courage. Yung kaya nya ipaglaban. 

May we all get the love we think we deserve.

"If we're meant to be together, then blah blah blah." - Titus, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt