Monday, January 1, 2018

Of closets and heartaches

I broke up with him. I called off our nearly five-year relationship. This blog has been a witness to how we started. This blog was created the time I met him and most of my entries are about him. I had my Facebook account for my political, irreligious, and not-so-personal rants. This blog was for him. I had this vision when we grow old together, we can look back at my blog and see how things were from my perspective. I guess, we can never do that now.

Anyway, actually, we rarely have problems. The relationship was pretty much smooth-sailing as far as I can remember. Except for one thing. The world where our relationship exists only have the two of us. I was never introduced to his friends nor his family. We've been together for five years and I don't know exactly where he lives nor where he works. I don't know the company name he works for. I've only seen pictures of his friends and family. You see, he's closeted. I dated a closeted 37-year old guy. He has several friends who know his sexual preference but I don't know who they are nor do they know that I exist.

You might think, "You're trying to be hetero-normative." but what I really want is functional. I really wanted to move things forward. Five years yun e. Ano ba naman yung five years, diba? Aren't we supposed to be making plans about living together. Building a family of our own (it doesn't have to have kids but rather being recognized as a unit by our respective families). I was so sure of him. I was ready to propose. To tell him, "Hey, let's spend an eternity together." Then, I hesitated. If we live together, who should I contact in case there's a health emergency? What if he's together with his family and something happens, how do I know that something actually happened? How would his family reach me? I cannot live together with someone (oh my god) I barely knew.

I told him that three years ago. That I wanted to meet some of his friends and if possible his family. He said he can't introduce me. We broke up for a few months because of that. "Hindi ko talaga kaya," he said. Still, I reached out to him. I went back to him. I rekindled our relationship. I was the one who fought for the relationship and I was glad we got back together. He told me, "Ipapakilala rin kita next year."

The next year came, I asked him if he has plans how I can meet whoever he wants me to meet. I highlighted it doesn't have to be family. That I understand his situation. Unfortunately, I only got a sad reply and he told me he's not ready. Next year, maybe.

Three years, I waited. Five years into the relationship. I've been dropping hints. I have been helping him gain courage. I introduced him to friends, workmates, and family. He was included in my sister's birthday celebration and my brother's party for passing the board exams. He was invited during my travels with my office mates and he was warmly welcomed. My mother even asked him to be with us during my parents' wedding anniversary. When I extended the invitation, he irritably told me, "Kailangan ba talaga ako roon?"

So, our dates would usually consist of us two only. For five years, every week only us two. I felt like I went back to the closet but this time it was not my closet but his. I felt suffocated. I felt trapped. I wanted out.

So after three years of asking, nearly five years into the relationship, I asked him again, "Ipapakilala mo ako? Kahit sa isang friend lang?"

"Oo, pero di ko kaya ngayon."

I snapped. I know we have our own pace but isn't five years enough? Shouldn't five years have already given him the courage to at least let me meet his friends who knew of his preference? What's wrong? Is there anything wrong with me? Pangit ba ako? Bobo ba ako? Hindi ba ako yung tipong maipagmamalaki?

"Ayoko na. Break na tayo," I told him.

"Ayoko.  Natatakot akong biguin ka ulit. Pero di ko talaga kaya."

I walked past him. He followed but later on he disappeared. After that, I received messages from him. He kept on texting me. You know what felt off? His texts were the usual texts as if we were still together. As if nothing happened. Is he really going to ignore the problem? Is texting the only effort he will push to try and save the relationship?

Haiy. He greeted me "Happy new year. Wag mo kalimutang mahal kita." It's been a month since I broke it off and I am starting to think that the relationship may not be worth saving.

It hurts like hell. Fuck. But I'd like to believe that I did the best for the both of us. Maybe we're not meant for each other. I was only asking him to let me be part of his world. I understand his situation. Maybe it's wrong for me to ask him to come out. But 37-year old closeted guy with effeminate streak? Shouldn't it have been obvious already? Haiy.

I did the right thing. I hope he finds a guy he will fight for. A guy worth of his bravery and courage. Yung kaya nya ipaglaban. 

May we all get the love we think we deserve.

"If we're meant to be together, then blah blah blah." - Titus, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt