Monday, February 26, 2018

Gaano katagal bago mo siya nakalimutan?

I feel... empty.

I should be glad. This is a chance to start a new life. I wanted this to happen. I mean, it wasn't working out. There are just some things we cannot agree on and I had to choose myself.

Did I give up too easily? 

Was I right? Everything was perfect except for the fact that I don't know a thing about him outside the relationship. That's how it is when you are shelved. When he worked his ass hard to keep his life compartmentalized. Was it enough reason for me to let go? Was being a part of his other world really a big deal? Shouldn't I have been contented with just us in our own little world we built together? We were happy. I was happy. I think.

It's been three months actually. But I still remember him in every little detail. To the books I read. To the places I visit. To the cup of coffee I now sip alone. Sometimes, I would imagine how things would have been if we were still together. How he would have reacted to Meet Me in St. Gallen. How excited he would have had with Himala: Musikal. I miss the understanding silence between us when I get my usual Americano and his cup of cocoa. 

I miss him.

During the first month of our breakup, I still received some of his texts. At first I was pissed off because most of the texts ignored the fact there's actually a problem in our relationship. The usual sweet-nothings. The usual good mornings and good nights. I wanted him to stop and acknowledge that there's something we need to talk about. That there's no use with him delaying our issue further. But now, I would have given anything just to receive a message from him. To know that he's okay. To find out whether he still thinks about me. To let me know that he still wants to save the relationship. I've been texting him this past month.

But there was no reply. There isn't anymore. 

Is there something lacking? Why didn't he choose me? Why didn't he choose to fight for what we had? Wasn't I enough to give him a reason to say, "Hey, I'm not afraid. I want you to meet my friends." or  "Hey, I want you to meet my mother." because I've done that with him. He became a part of my world. I, on the other hand, was apart from his. 

I'm still not sure I did the right thing.

But hey, I am crushing on someone right now. We went out the past weekend for dragonboat training and Himala: Musikal. Supposedly a group but we ended up with each other instead. I just hope this is a sign I'm starting to forget him.

Still, I can't help but wonder the what-ifs. 

That Thing Called Tadhana quotes hitting me lately with uppercuts and quick jabs:

Mace: “Gaano katagal bago mo siya nakalimutan?”
Anthony: “Matagal.”
Mace: “Gaano nga katagal? One year? Two? 3? 4? 5?”
Anthony: “Importante pa ba ‘yun? Ang mahalaga, nakalimutan.

***

Mace: “Kung mahal mo, habulin mo, ipaglaban mo. ‘Wag mong hintaying may magtulak sa kanya pabalik sa’yo. Hilahin mo. Hanggang kaya mo, wag kang bibitaw. Sorry, mahal ko eh.”

***

“Pano ba makalimot?” 
“Pwede kang uminom gabi gabi, pwede kang umiyak gabi gabi, pwede kang makipagdate kung kani-kanino, o pwede ka ring makahanap ng new love.”

4 comments:

  1. I feel for you. I went through something similar almost 2 years ago. pero hanggang ngayon, meron paring what-ifs at lingering feelings na di pa maalis.

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  2. I often feel that decisions are neither wrong or right. They're just things that needed to be made. And at that time when you broke it off with him, you made exactly the decision that you needed. People, like our other experiences, are lessons to be learned. We just have to find out what and next time around, it'll be better. I promise it'll be better.

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